This is worse than prison

[GreyCatLady]

I am an agoraphobic.My husband lost our house because he couldn't be bothered with doing a budget or calling back collectors. It was my whole world. Lost his job for a year. When he go a job. He was fired a few months later for always showing up late. 6 months we were homeless in a hotel room.

I know that isn't the worst but it also wasn't pleasant. After losing the house I had a complete nervous breakdown. I could barely speak or do anything but cry. I was and am still very sensitive to sound. I was trapped in a noisy box I couldn't escape. The husband didn't budget repairs to van. So no car.

I went through several hours of withdraw, because we couldn't afford my meds. I was hit by a eighteen wheeler in the 90's. I have asthma and nerve damage and am in constant pain. Not being able to breath sucks too.

I lost thousands of dollars in furniture and my FAMILY Christmas ornaments during the move.

Now I Can't have junk food. Yes I was spending too much on it. But we always had meals to eat. It was my last refuge. Being able to eat my feelings gave me the momentary escape to go on. I know junk food is petty thing. But I had no friends my family isn't close. I think death is my only option. I am crippled by my pain and agoraphobia. During all of this be keeps telling me to wait. I have spent 2 1\2 years waiting. I don't even think I'm holding on by fingernails. My husband is also mentally skating on thin ice but talking to him about these things, just makes him want to kill himself. I love him, but neither of us has much left.

[Hidden]

I am sad to hear your story. I can empathize about losing your house. My husband, x husband now lost our house. He was a compulsive gambler to the point of gambling our house. I didn't know, I trusted him and thought he was taking care of business. He blamed me and physically attacked me. He had never physically attacked me. We could have worked through the loss of the house and he could have gotten help for the gambling but when he physically attacked me, that was it.

Sounds like you and your husband have issues, problems. Life is life, you two will get through this. Ask for help, city, community outreach and state should have some resources to help you guy's get back on track. Don't stress, do the steps to get back on track. It'll happen

[GreyCatLady in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind reply. I have tried the gov. Wasn't able to get help. Plus with no car. I've tried the suicide got line 6hrs on hold no response. This was by email. I don't have a phone. Hearing that I'm not crazy for being miserable helps. I have tried to take a!l of this in stridestill. With the enormous load on my shoulders still feels like he is adding more bricks. He is stressed as well. But dose not seem to understand that I am suffering from his mistakes. Thank you again for your reply. I feel less alone. Hope life treats you well.

Sincerely Grey Cat Lady

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyCatLady]

Hi do you get disability or do you think you could be entitled to it? I know you are unable to work so surely you qualify?

I know you love your husband but you obviously can't rely on him to look after you or trust him too so the only thing I can suggest is you need to get some power and control back. When he is working again can you take complete charge of the household budget? Insist on it as he can't deal with it.

You are in a terrible situation so no wonder you feel like you do - it would be enough to break anyone.

I hope things improve for you soon. x

[GreyCatLady in reply to hypercat54]

He has had a job for the last 6 months. But his benefits just kicked in. My regular doctor says I should qualify for disability. But I need to see a psychiatrist. I have no idea on how to start on something like that. My husband said we can't afford it until sometime around April.

I would take over the budget, but it is so hard to think with my meds. I take pain and several depression medications. I know it's an excuse, but often I confuse quite easily, not to mention I am exhausted from the meds.

I am really hopeing that when I see a psychiatrist I can get some guidance. Maybe a social worker or someone that can help me with the procedures and paperwork. I don't currently have a car, phone, and no friends to help me. So right now I'm on my own.

There are times when I think I'm crazy and should just leave him alone and not complain so much. Thank you for your kind words. I feel less guilty for feeling bad.

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyCatLady]

Well I don't think you could do a worse job than your husband! Anything has to be better than relying totally on him and to stand or fall with his fortunes. He is dragging you down with him and has proved himself unreliable. You have to start realising that despite your illnesses you can take some of your power back. It won't be easy but it would surely be better than your current circumstances, coz it will keep happening over and over again. I couldn't live like this and don't know how anyone can. Taking some control will help with your issues I am sure of it. x

[GreyCatLady in reply to hypercat54]

Dear Hypercat54

Intellectually I know I need to do something. I just haven't been able to gather up enough will power to do it. I really really hate myself for it. I just have no fight left.

I feel like one of those wild animals raised in captivity. One day someone opens a door but they still don't leave, Or the baby elephants. Trainers put a small rope on their foot as infants. As they get older the same thin rope still holds them, because they remember as infants they couldn't break free.

My mind knows what to do, every time I try, I get overwhelmed and confused. I'm hoping a therapist can help me through this. I don't want to be agoraphobic, but it still makes it difficult to even go outside. I have some really bad compulsive behavior. I don't want to be compulsive. If I could it wouldn't be compulsive behavior, it would be optional behavior. I feel like coward. But I am trying to find ways to overcome my obstacles. This website is my first step in that direction.

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyCatLady]

Hi it's great you realise this and are taking steps. I apologise if I sounded uncaring there or not understanding but didn't know if you were aware of needing to take charge a bit more. You have taken 2 steps - the first knowing what you need to do, and the 2nd coming in here. We all understand where you are coming from so stay with us and we will help and support you all the way. x

[GreyCatLady in reply to hypercat54]

Dear Hypercat54

Not uncaring in the least. I appreciate the advice.

😸

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyCatLady]

👌😁 Am working on trying to be nicer! x

[GreyCatLady in reply to hypercat54]

Work is paying off. You have been nice and helpful.😸

[hypercat54 in reply to GreyCatLady]

😁👌💖 xx