Feelings of emptiness

Hello everyone.

I've just joined this community to be able to share my feelings with people who understand and who may have personal experience.

To give you a bit of backstory, the past few years have been a whole mess. My life has changed in so many ways, and a lot of them weren't all that great.

My parents got divorced about 4 years ago, followed by my mother losing touch with reality and kind of putting up walls around herself around myself and my sisters, she just doesn't feel like the same person anymore.

Neither myself nor my sisters have ever really had much of a connection with our father because he was always elsewhere, rarely at home.

At this time I was very depressed, I couldn't motivate myself to do anything at all, and even my best friend of 5 years decided to abandon me at the worst possible time, without explanation.

Fast forward to July, two years ago, when I moved in with my partner, whom I'm living with still.

At first all was great, I thought I was starting a great new chapter in my life.

But we've had many problems, most stemming from his infidelity. We've talked about this a lot and I've come to the conclusion that while I may be a 100% monogamous person, he's more the type for open relationships.

I respect that, I do, but it was not what I thought I was getting into when I started dating him.

Still, I told him how I feel about that and due to the fact that we need to stay together (at least living together) for the sake of it being valid on paper (we're using our relationship to get him citizenship in my country), we are still trying to make things work.

Of course, things are not great.

I don't feel like I can trust him with my heart, and my abandonment issues that stem from childhood and later on in life are not helping.

I feel as though the abandonment issues are the ones that caused this whole mess for me.

I feel scared whenever he leaves the house. Whenever he stays out past midnight, even though he's just with his male friends. Whenever he's texting on his phone.

I feel anxious and jealous if I hear him even mention a girl's name or the word 'she'.

Nothing has really happened apart from the one time a year ago. Even then nothing physically happened, but I am aware that he wanted it to (the girl herself told me). But he has talked to other girls. He has been friendly with other girls. And I'm terrified.

I'm terrified because I have the feeling that he doesn't like me as much as he likes other people.

Why?

Because no one has ever liked me more than the next person. My parents were always in their own worlds, most of my family was always obsessed with my older sister or my younger sister (although the younger one to a lesser degree).

I don't follow the traditional path - I left university and have been supporting myself for these past 2 and a half years, without any help. My grandparents don't appreciate anything except education and barely talk to me.

I have always felt like everyone's second choice.

I'm never the first person anyone talks to.

With these relationship issues, I've also started feeling like I'm just not good enough. I'm not interesting or attractive enough.

I'm never the best choice and that's why it's so easy for everyone to just abandon or forget about me.

I've been struggling with these feelings for months and months now and it's getting me to a very dark place. I cry a lot, and I just feel so empty. I try and try to help myself by distractions and meditation and such, but it's not working.

If anyone has been through something like this, I would love to hear from you.

Kind regards,

D

[Casper22337281919]

My parents are divcored, I feel yah

[Casper22337281919 in reply to Casper22337281919]

Feel free to chat me

[Shivedita]

Oh dear Angel. Yes, I have been through this emptiness, though because of different reasons. The explanation is simple, you are addressing your own being to others. Only your own love to yourself can fill this emptiness.

We all are there with some or other baggage through life. Accept that, it is okay that your childhood was like that. Your choices are your own, it is okay if others do not appreciate that. You must appreciate that. And, for relationship, don't tie down to someone. Build your best relationship with yourself first. You must not be with someone just because you need them but because you love to share life with them. Communicate everything with your partner, your needs, your choices, your conditions, if he loves you, he will support you in getting through this time. But, one thing that you have to ensure is, that your support for yourself is 100%.

You are hero to have passed through all this and having made your own choices. While your are being a hero to me, you have to be first a hero to yourself. It will take some time to heal, accept all this but you have that courage within you. Step by Step with patience and hope.

[Hidden in reply to Shivedita]

This nearly made me cry.. Your words resonate with so much truth.

It's difficult to train myself out of thinking that I need to have someone around for comfort and I know I need to become my own hero.. I wish I knew how to get rid of the loneliness that I feel when I spend a lot of time on my own.

The irony in all that is that I love to be on my own and go to the cinema or so by myself, as an introvert, but at the same time I don't feel like I could spend, let's say, a week all alone. Without another person in my apartment, or anything.

I'm going to take steps towards this, thank you for your encouraging words!

[Shivedita in reply to Hidden]

I understand. This happened with me also. And, it happens with almost every introvert. One solution is to have your support group who understand your need to be alone sometimes. Because this is the truth of life, we need people around but we need time for ourselves too. Sometimes circumstances diifer a lot in contrast to our needs and we land into loneliness. I know you are a hero aand soon you will be sharing a story of, how you did all that and will help all others dealing with it.

My best wishes. <3