One night after moving back into university halls of residence last year, I basically watched Porn Hub for around about 7 hours intermittently when my depression was as its worst height.
I'd also already experienced false memories by this point, and very unusual, irrational obsessive worries about hurting children. This originated from the extreme distress I felt after finding out that an ex-teacher is a pedophile. The overbearing empathy and sympathy I feel towards people in general led me to believe that I was somehow to 'blame', unnecessarily.
That night, I would go from lying on the front of my chest and humping the bed (an awkward way of doing it that I developed when I was in my early teens) while watching the different bits of the same Porn Hub video on my phone, to then sitting back up and watching random videos on YouTube.
The second to last video I watched was a video of Kurt Cobain and his 18 month-old daughter, that appeared on the homepage after sitting up in bed again.
At this point, I remember thinking that if I were to watch this video, I shouldn't watch another video afterwards, purely ''because this YouTube video had a baby in it'' - even though I knew deep down that the two videos were entirely separated by tabs on my phone, not to mention obviously by content.
Nevertheless, I watched the interview video, scrolled through the comments and paused at a specific point then went back to the lewd stuff, and only then did I kneel down again, but with the video loaded.
Finally, I remember sitting up again and going back to the YouTube homepage and the first video shown was a slideshow of Cobain's daughter through the years and I remember feeling so much guilt for having wasted my evening watching Porn Hub.
The reason for this guilt is that - as best as I can describe - seeing a baby (the pinnacle of innocence) in the YouTube video made me realise the essential humanity that we all have, including the adult performers I'd been watching. I felt heavy guilt for objectifying them, as well as a hypocrite who talks about the importance of feminism.
Even though the videos were obviously different, my mind basically told me that going to watch porn again after watching an unrelated interview video that - just happened - to have a baby in it, somehow made me an ''anti-feminist'', an ''evil person'', and a pedophile.
Perhaps I overthink the morality of things, I don't know. I remember going to the sink afterwards, dry-vomiting because of this guilt, and then eventually calming myself down through talking to myself for an hour step-by-step. The next morning, I wasn't stressed.
How my brain has twisted all of this is to say I humped the bed to the point of ejaculation while staring at the paused video image of Kurt and his baby.
I have no explicit sensory recall of any of this. But obviously, the more I've obsessively ruminated about it, the more the 'image' in my head has gone from being grainy at best to very detailed. Yet again, I don't remember the sensations of any of this. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself were this the opposite. Plus, this worry only arrived in May, as far as I can remember.
I remember having worries/intrusive thoughts about this same OCD theme for weeks/months afterwards, but never this specifically. How could I push this into my subconscious?
I literally remember feeling content and happy/making different mental leaps forward at further points towards the rest of 2019, and on New Year's, and not being worried about anything, let alone this. Surely, I couldn't have done this and 'repressed' it?
Yet, I still feel like a liar and fraud who shouldn't live, and has been lying to himself for the last 12 months.
The guilt and stomach pains and sore throat is so painful, and I keep losing sleep. It's gotten so bad that I tried to hang myself a few weeks ago, but I stopped myself before pushing the chair away.
I currently take 1 mirtazipine (for depression) and 3 propranolol (for this intrusive thought and anxiety). First OCD therapist appointment two weeks ago was helpful and he just told me "You know who you are, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that".
I've realized I most likely have POCD, which fits in with my history of obsessive compulsions; plus, Asperger's makes me obsess a lot over the past too. At this point though, all the anxieties have left me; I know I'm not like my teacher and never will be, it's just this one intrusive thought that is preventing me from moving on.
I'm living on a peripheral level at the moment: not confident enough that this has happened to kill/severely injure myself, and not confident enough that it didn't to be productive. So, I just eat to stay alive and sleep a lot.
My mum and brother and friends keep telling me I didn't do it, as well as my own inner voice/event recall; though, I'm wary of the addictive nature of being constantly reassured.
I'm currently trying a new angle of just forcing my mind to work on other things, like writing a poetry album etc, while still taking my medication, etc.
Mum said, ''Worst case scenario, you did it; after watching that stuff for 5 hours and being as low as you said you were, you might've made a mistake. That said, I'm pretty certain, because I know you Dec, that you wouldn't do that''.
So, at the moment I'm 50/50, but more inclined to think I didn't do it. My brain keeps going from doubting to hopeful, and it's killing me, but I hope things get better. I want to move on with my life so bad, but the niggling voice tells me that I 'ruined' it. I'm worried that I might have done this while desensitized.
While it's not the worst thing in the world a person could do, I still feel though in the moral sense, it's pretty f-ed; not least because the man is dead. Yet, I remember vaguely listening to Nirvana on vinyl that week and in October and not feeling guilt. And I've never confessed this to my mother or brother before May, which I feel as though I would have.
I keep waking up in panic attacks, none of which happened before this popped in my head in May. I'm terrified this is true, and if so, how can I live with myself? On the one year 'anniversary' yesterday, I tried to re-trace my steps, and did fully, but I still wasn't able to see how I could have done it, even after getting to the point of viewing the video.
I'm close to tears most of the time, and I feel like I'm "living off of borrowed time" or that I just compartmentalized it away very effectively, and I'm so scared.
We can never say this enough to other sufferers. I suffer from ocd too. My ocd has been about so many different things. One thing ocd loves to pick is the immoral ones. The ones that make you feel like a monster. I have had my episodes of doubting what kind of porn I saw on pornhub or just having it open and something else non related pops up. When my ocd gets spiked on a theme like this my best friend I talk to about these things clearly points out that I am way overthinking things. I think that your therapist is right. You know who you are. You gotta stick to that. Also you said it. Getting busy working on your hobbies helps. You need to know again you are not alone. You are a good person. You are overthinking things. Thats ocd. Its time to put your focus on your work and hobbies. Keep taking your med. Ask for stronger ones from Doctor if needed. I take Klonopin works great for giving my mind a break. Remember this that ocd is as only as big and as powerful as you give attention to it. Its time to just see your porn experience as just that. Its in the past. You can move on. Its all gonna be ok. 
Suicide: NOT The Answer
My past is haunting me..
Avoidance and suicidality
I just can't take it anymore, everytime I think of suicide I see my son's face
