Suicide is not a solution : I've... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Suicide is not a solution

appreciatetheleaves profile image

I've thought of suicide on and off since I was 9 years old. I've been hospitalized and made suicide attempts multiple times in my life. Living with Bipolar 1 and PTSD has been so very difficult I can't even put it into words. Being an Aunt is what has saved me. Hurting myself is not a solution, and that's all there is to it. Even though sometimes I really, like right now, want to die. I have to remind myself of loved ones. I hope anyone who reads this can think of at least one good enough reason to live. If so, I would love for you to share that reason.

134 Replies

Great post there. My reason would be live, live for yourself, you will find joy again. Suicide is a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem.

If you find the right people they can help you to find a way to overcome some of your problems.

❤️

thanks for sharing we`re glad your here to tell your story.

Same to you!

Only reason I can think is my family would be sad. Otherwise idk . Don't have much purpose here . Never happy . Alot of times I ain't sure why to even bother. I just don't want to hurt anybody I guess is the only reason .

My only reason is to not hurt anybody either. Mainly my niece and nephew. I am sorry you suffer. You are not alone. I am glad you are on this support group. I hope it helps some.

I have dealt with suicidal thoughts most of my life. I know I'd really hurt my family but I haven't been happy for quite a while. Deal with anxiety & depression & migraines. Sometimes it sounds more appealing because my head would finally be quiet. It's always good to know that we're not alone feeling this way.

Yes, you are definitely not alone. My mind most of the time is filled with racing thoughts/just chaos. You will be happy again. I can't tell you when, but things always change. Sometimes I just want to make my pain stop because it gets unbearable, but then I think of one good thought and try to hold onto it to think of another good thought and another good thought... etc. until I've shifted my thoughts towards thinking of all of the beautiful things in life. Maybe you could try making a reasons to live list. I make one every year. I read it when I'm suicidal and it really helps me. Hugs.

Greenland44 profile image
Greenland44 in reply to Sabbath1

I had suicide thoughts I told my self if I die my family would be sad and mother can't take no more sadness after the death of brother and father I having nightmares when I wakeup I say to myself might this change and joy happiness comes back to my heart after this suffering

I'm really sorry your going through that battle...it's hell. And sometimes we just don't see an immediate way out of our pain, so we think the end would be a quick fix. We just want to feel that we have some kind of control over our life. But in the long run, the ones left behind are the ones left to wonder why, and what could they have done , and often they wish they would have known what had us feeling so destitute.

With mental illness and mental injury... we have not only a chemical imbalance but we have emotional damage from one issue or another, trauma, abuse, abandonment...these are deep injury's and cause many of us here much heartache and heart break. We feel like a broken record sometimes and don't think anyone wants to hear about our problems anymore because we just seem to stay the same. It's exhausting trying to stay ahead of the lows with this disease and emotional distress. We never know when we are going to get triggered and how low into the abyss it will take us.

My heart goes out to you...and remember...no one should judge you, none of this is your fault. If you want to focus on those kids in your thoughts during those lows, you may find hope to want to be in their lives as they grow up, and that joy will help you from slipping too far on those dark days. But if you just can't...pick up the phone, and call for help. I'm glad your sharing here.

Wow. Thank you very much. And you couldn't have said any of it better. I am glad you're alive and on this forum. You can really help people. I have no other words except those of appreciation for your post. Thank you again. ❤️

Your very kind and I appreciate what you have said...that is very healing.

You know what really helps me to come back from that edge...to talk to someone else who has been there too. And by doing that...we can become a tether to others who understand... life is so hard for us sometimes... but I kept holding on, and if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met others like yourself that make life worth living. It shows that others can care, even if we don't know them personally in the real world...empathy anonymously can mean everything to those of us with trust, fear, isolation, social anxiety, and desperation...we can feel completely safe to share.

You should write a book and get it published. ❤️

Wow... I often have thought of how it would be so beneficial for all of us here to write our own story and share it in a book, how many in the world could relate and know they are not alone. No one needs to have a PHD to understand depression, we live it every day, who better to be experts on the topic than us. To know that it's okay to address our mental health and mental injury, and start poking more holes into social stigma and the myth of 'normal'...To feel safe and share with others who live with it.

We are the new normal....believe me...

And all the proceeds would go to affordable care for those of us who can't afford help.

I completely agree with you.

There you go... you could have a path ahead of you with this idea...you never know...

Thx ❤️

bethelbee profile image
bethelbee in reply to fauxartist

The only ones who understand depression are those of us who have experienced it. Not even our therapists or doctors, unless they've been there, can totally understand. I am very open with my mental health struggles . And, yes, the more we talk about it and educate others the less stigmatized it will be.

"...and all the proceeds would go to affordable care for those of us who can't afford care." Amen. It breaks my heart when I think of all the people out there, like myself, who are suffering and have almost no good options for care due to the cost. It is an absolute travesty. For what little it's worth, I am behind this idea 110%!

When people's jobs afforded them good health care, this wasn't an issue. But now that almost everyone does not have healthcare in the workplace any more because of some clever maneuvering of work hours to make everyone part-time and ineligible for full benefits...the old red flag of gov. being responsible for health care for everyone being socialism kind of smacks of letting everyone be victimized to unaffordable health care, mortgaging homes to pay for 700% mark up on medications and the same for personal health care plans that are a joke ,you may as well throw your money in the fire, at least you would get some home heating out of it.

You said it friend. I suspect you and I could get into some trouble together, lol! Well observed and well put, mate!

thanks Rupert...

Great post. Thank you for the info. You are very compassionate. Bless you for sharing that. You are right about Reach Out for Help! There are So many suicide prevention lines and crisis lines. Just hearing a voice that (1) CARES and (2) UNDERSTANDS you helps me Tremendously! Love to all. <3

Sending you love! I like your username!

Thank you so much! I will keep sending Love to you. There's a song called Sara Smile and my middle name is Sara, so I like to use that name. Hang in there. I know it's easy to say, but I've been through the darkness many times and thank goodness it always seems to pass. Love you. <3

You're right. "This too shall pass" Thanks for all the love! I love you too, and will keep sending love to you.

Thank you, and thank you for posting places for others to go to for help.

You are so welcome!

Sedani profile image
Sedani in reply to fauxartist

This is the reason I joined this forum recently. You have a clear understanding of what depression is all about because you live it every day. I got tired of explaining how I feel to people who will never understand me and brands me a failure. Now I know that I belong somewhere and all is not lost. Thanks Fauxartist, you are a true gem.

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to Sedani

Thank you Sedani, your very kind. We are all experts on mental health and mental injury... and it's hard sometimes for some to express themselves, and some of us just can't. I appreciate that I can write it out, it's part of my healing... I always believed writing out our stuff takes just a little bit more power out of our pain. You don't have to be grammatically correct, Word will spell check for you, as I am a terrible speller, and most importantly, just the process of getting it out can help.

For some reason when I hit the "reply" option now it always tells me the page can't be found. But yes this group does help some. I just wish I didnt feel this way. Really wish nobody would feel this way it's awful .

I wish no one felt this way either. It really isn't fair. I think it was Robin Williams who said: "You'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." I just hope you have happy moments. I hope you get to the point where you can find joy in simple pleasures, keep fighting, and more than anything to keep holding on because things WILL change. I am fighting and hoping for change. I am tired, but I didn't come this far to just give up. ❤️

Thank you for your powerful honest post. I've been struggling too... trying to tell myself that it's the anxiety & ect, not reality-based, not the solution. That I need to take time & check in with myself. Like you, being an Aunt helps. Those kiddos love mean a ton. Reaching out here, helps too. Reminds me I'm not alone & that there are people who care & understand.

Thank you for your reply! I definitely care & understand. I have to check in with myself, too. I was going to overdose. I'm glad I changed my mind. It really isn't the solution. We all die one day anyway... why rush? When there's so many beautiful things we haven't experienced in the future. Sending you some good thoughts.

Very true. Glad you changed your mind.💛

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to melbrown

Hi ya my ole friend... I'm so happy to see you here... I've missed you and many others who have taken a break to live life in the world. I am sorry to hear your struggling, and I hope you share about it when you want to.

melbrown profile image
melbrown in reply to fauxartist

(((Fauxartist))) Glad to see you. Yes, I am still around... did a post last night. Hope you are well dear friend. 💗

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to melbrown

Mel!!!... I think I responded, but I'll look for it my friend, keep in touch pal... I'm glad to see you hangin in there and fighting the good fight...

I agree 100% with you. None of us live in total isolation. It could be he most random person at the grocery store check out who is glad to see you every week. You may be his only acquaintance. Family is a huge deterrent indirectly. Somedays they drive you crazy, but your choice is permanent. Your choice models for others. Others may get PTSD because of your actions. They may become depressed, because, little did you know, you were their favorite. If lived in a bubble and no one else would be impacted, I have had enough s#@t happen to me to make me want to quit. But I will never, with intention, hurt someone else.

Absolutely beautiful respones, and so very true. We think we are alone when we are in the depths, but it turns out, there are people around who love us and need us, we just didn't realise it. Got to hold on to that, that we can all support each other, because that cliche is also very true, eveyone is fighting a hidden battle.

I had suicidal thoughts too. What changed me is reading about psychology and how to see my distorted beliefs for what they were: a lie . What helped me change after seeing my beliefs for what they were was my turning to Jesus Christ..He changed my mind. It s an outgoing process, He s doing it slow!y with me. I seek the truth now and the truth will set you free. Andrew Womack s ministries on you tube gave me hope. There s a lot in life beyond what we can see or grasp... And my purpose now is looking beyond!!! Take care, eat well, exercise, trust in God, don t give up, week beyond!!!

Hi, I am very sorry to hear you are struggling, and I am so relieved to hear that you changed your mind. I have PTSD too, and most people I know don’t understand what I go thru. I was never depressed growing up, and I don’t have suicide ideation, but I do sometimes tire of the fight and in those moments I understand suicidal thoughts. But today I was realizing that suicide is really a total abandonment of self. And that even if no one else is there for us, we need to be there for ourselves. To love ourselves enough to not take the ultimate step against ourselves. And so, use that energy to fight for your life here. Enjoy the blessings in your life and strive to create more joy for yourself. I’m an aunt too, and I know what a blessing that can be.

" suicide is really a total abandonment of self. And that even if no one else is there for us, we need to be there for ourselves. To love ourselves enough to not take the ultimate step against ourselves." You have no idea how profound this realization may be for many who consider suicide. This is so true. I have come to realize that for the past 15 years, I had begun to abandon myself - through dissociation, alcohol, all sorts of other harmful practices. Now it makes sense to me why suicidal ideation has become such a habitual and dangerous habit too. Thank you so much for this insightful comment.

Chrysalis ❤️

Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. Take care of yourself. Hugs. ❤️

You are so welcome and hugs to you too ❤️ By the way, I love your moniker! Leaves and trees in general are amazing.

Thx! 💚

Yes I live with constant suicidal thoughts too they are a nightmare I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety then schizophrenia so ino how hard it is I've also been hospitalised twice once wen I threatened an overdose and once when I actually took it my daughter n husband are what keep me going x

I completely understand. You are definitely not alone. Hugs.

I realise how painful it is when you don’t want to live as my son experienced this.Unfortunately he did take his life.I understand why,but people like myself know the devastation we are left with.I hope you find peace and comfort in your life.

Chrysalis20 profile image
Chrysalis20 in reply to Mia51

Mia51 so sad and sorry to read that you lost your son in this way. Thank you for sharing this so that those of with those thoughts can remember the impact it would have on those we love. x

Mia51 profile image
Mia51 in reply to Chrysalis20

I appreciate your kind words.I do also suffer from suicide ideation over many years.As I’ve said I lost my boy to it.I have no anger towards him.I am part of a group of parents who also have experienced this sadness.Until it happens,you have no idea the emotional pain it leaves.The mental torture of this is indescribable...the what ifs, the why,the guilt and so much more.We talk everyday just like we do on here,and go round in circles trying to think where we went wrong as parents.Some, like myself have serious mental health issues due to our loss.Like depression no one outside our small circle wants to know,they assume you get over it..you don’t,you live with the pain.Hope this helps even one person to find another road,I know it’s so hard.💔

Chrysalis20 profile image
Chrysalis20 in reply to Mia51

Hi Mia and thanks for that response. I know this will be little consolation, but for those of us that have lived with depresson for no apparent reason, and eventually start seeing suicide as the way out, it is not a reflection on our parents, our upbringing...I of course don't speak for everyone with those thoughts, but can speak as someone who absolutely blames myself, me. And also, once I began to entertain suicide as the solution, the escape, no one could have changed my mind. And my family did their best, as no doubt you and your family did their best. But everytime I read a post from someone like you - a parent, a sibling, a partner, a child, a friend, it reminds me that the ramifications, the devastation, is too big a price to pay for my attempting to escape. So every time you share your story, you are helping, and maybe even saving lives. The other thing from reading about the pain, and yes, the mental torture that you and the others left behind are going through, is that it makes me think about a younger member of my family suffering ideation. I never want them to feel like that, I never want to impact on them by doing that act, and I want them to learn from me to not entertain those thoughts - to try and see that those thoughts are liars, and those thoughs are potential killers. In my case it is that I allowed negative thinking to spirtal...as I say..I take full responsibility for that. Once again, I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you a hug.

Your user name gives you the answer. Develop an attitude of gratitude yourself. I suspect we all think of suicide from time to time but your bi-polar must increase the prevalence and strength of these thoughts. Are you on the right level of medication at the moment? Seeing your doctor about this might help.

Fauxartist has also written you a lovely uplifting reply.

I agree, Fauxartist gave a great reply. I see my psychiatrist every week. We're trying to get my meds right. Thank you for caring! Hugs.

🤗

❤️❤️❤️

appreciate dtheleaveavwa, thats so awesome. Thank you for this. As a therapist, is love to pick your brain about this so I could use your thoughts to help others. Would you please message me? Thank you.. 💗

So true what you wrote. Everyone should have a good reason for living. So glad you have found the thing you can live for.

Thank you ❤️

You're welcome

My only reasons are also being an aunt, I have a niece and another one coming in March, and that’s what’s keeping me going.

Oh yay! Another little one! I bet you can't wait until she gets here. :)

What if I don't have any loved ones? I just don't matter.

YOU MATTER.

There's a reason you're here. You're meant to be here.

I just don't believe that.

Every time you write something here in HU, you are helping others. We learn from you. And that’s how you matter to me.

I've felt that way before... in fact to this day even with loved ones I think my life doesn't matter... that I'd be better off dead, but sometimes our thoughts lie to us. I agree with Isinatra. We have a lot to learn from you because of what you've been through, and what you're currently going through. You could really help people. You matter to me. Please keep holding on. ❤️

Yes, we are all of us, meant to be here. If you don't feel that's true, you must look for your passion in life. I'm finding it difficult but I know that is what I must do.

Hello @appreciatetheleaves.

Your post has prompted some bittersweet feelings in me. I have always suffered profound depression, but had always got through it. I never wanted to fall into the Mental Health system. 5 years ago, after a relationship break up, I allowed myself to fall into a very dark spiral of thoughts, and begun to allow the suicidal feelings and ideation to slowly destroy my life. The saddest thing is, I too am an aunt, and lived very near my precious nephew. We saw each other regularly, it was he that gave me joy whatever else was going on. Once in that ideation mindset, I lost sight of him - began to believe he was better off without me - I lost sight of wonderful friends, and of the many gifts and talents I had.

The outcome of of all of this is that I ended up being persuaded by someone well-meaning to leave everything that I cherished behind. I now live in a different country, did end up in hospital and stuck in the MH system as a Client rather than the independent person I used to be, and ultimately lost my self.

The saddest thing is that though I got to see my beloved nephew a couple of times a year, it took Covid for me to wake up and see just how being close to him had been keeping me buoyant for so long prior to breaking down. I have one wish and that is to be able to find a way back to my home city and country soon, re-start my life as working and productive person, and get to spend more time with my beautiful nephew. I so wish I had seen your post 5 years ago, it may have been the thing to wake me up. But thank you for reminding me now that though he is no longer aroiund the corner, I need to hold on, get stronger and make a good life for myself again so that I can be a guiding light and a loving presence throughout his life, and that of the 2 new babies I became an auntie to in this last year. That will be the reason I keep living 💗

You got it! 🌟

I really, really hope I have. Courage and hope and faith are what I wish for...this ☀️beautiful sun sent back to you...💗

Thank you!!! It's gloomy where I'm at, so I could use some sunshine! ❤️

Beleive me, I live in a place where it rains most of the time...hailstones this morning, very gloomy...but I am amazed by this rare blast of radiant sun..it is still shining ...amazing and a bit of a miracle...metaphorically shining it on you, me and all that are struggling ☀️☀️☀️

I think you're right!

And just as I sent that to you, beaming sunshine came out from the dark clouds and is right at this moment shinging in on me ...I will take that as a sign of HOPE ☀️🙏🌈

Aaawww 😊

Life is a precious gift reason 1.. family and pets reason 2.. a good nights sleep.. a walk or jog .. a good meal.. Christmas.. a relationship with god . Hanging out with family.. Wim Hof guided breathing exercises 2-3-4 times daily.. and 5 minutes pure cold shower daily.. a hug and kiss

Sending you a huge hug! Thx for sharing!

Suicide happens when a person is in more pain than they can cope with for an extended period of time and they lose hope of it ever getting any better. Often they feel worthless or a burden. When we know someone is experiencing pain, hopelessness or is overwhelmed there is usually SOMETHING that can done to ease their burden, reduce their pain, or offer them hope. Talking is the first place to start. While there is breath in the body there is hope. Nothing is so bad it can't be helped, fixed or made better. Suicide doesn't end the pain it just passes on to those who love you. My son died 10 years ago by Suicide. I miss his voice, his laughs, his hugs. His girls missed getting to know him they are 13 and stuggle similarly. A well brain does not want to hurt a body. If you are experiencing dark thoughts please reach out to talk with someone. This group is a start. Good job keep reading. Perhaps meds or a change of meds? A support group? Direct therapy and counseling. Don't self Medicate. Alcohol is a depressant. Drugs alter your mind. Get good clean nutrition. Exercise and keep your body strong. Get adequate sleep. Stay connected to healthy family and friends. Leave the toxic people and habits behind. Connect with a higher power. Find your reason to stay, your passion, your purpose. Create happiness and find joy. You matter. Each of you.

A reason to live is so we can be there to help others who are dealing with mental health issues.

I love that reason.

Thanks 🚴‍♂️

I have felt like that many times myself. Sometimes the pain gets so bad and you feel hopeless. I am glad I didn't for a few reasons. 1) It would have devastated my children 2) Life got a whole lot better and I would have missed out on so much good 3) After studying spiritual matters I discovered suicide is not an "escape hatch" out of the pain. I believe when you die you have the same frame of mind as when you murdered yourself. So on the other side you are still in the same amount of pain and still have to work through it.😩

I am so glad you didn't either! Stay strong. ❤️

Thanks 🙂💗

Mia51 profile image
Mia51 in reply to Tara52

I don’t think your belief is helpful to anyone who has a child like me,who has ended their life.Very insensitive

Tara52 profile image
Tara52 in reply to Mia51

I am sorry I didn't mean to come across that way. I lost my fiancée to suicide. I suffered greatly from that loss so I have some idea of how you must feel.😞So sorry for your loss. 😢💔I found some comfort learning my fiancée was not burning up in the flames of hell for eternity, like my old church taught. I know God is a God of love and I believe He/She is loving and helping our loved ones get beyond their pain.

Mia51 profile image
Mia51 in reply to Tara52

To comment that people who have taken their lives as if they had murdered themselves are still in pain is an unforgivable and cruel statement.People like my son were very ill with mental distress.Why should they be punished more?The ONLY comfort we as parents have,is they are at peace now,so be very careful in future what you say

Tara52 profile image
Tara52 in reply to Mia51

Sorry poor choice of words. I once had a counselor tell me I was attempting to murder myself when I attempted suicide because of my self hatred. I won't use that word again, sorry. I hope we both can find forgiveness and healing.🙏💔

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to Tara52

I'm sorry you had a counselor use that terminology. That was poor training on their part and should never have been said to you. Don't take it to heart too much when you're dealing with grief and loss...it's a short fuse for most. The reality is, we should always acknowledge that this is a choice for someone in that state of mind to take, as they already feel they have no control over their lives, and often this alternative seems to be the only control over living in pain they have at that moment. A good therapist should acknowledge the pain, and offer you alternatives and a course of action to help you find different ways to cope with your present state of mind, but there are no long term solutions for most either, it's a process, no one should make anyone promises...none of those options should involve guilt-tripping or any religious connotation, that is not helpful and often can make someone feel in even more despair.

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to Mia51

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and no parent should ever have to go through the loss of a child. Everyone deals with this topic so differently, and that's the point. We need to understand that this isn't a topic that should have any judgement, or 'should haves', or religious connotation attached at all. We never truly know why someone has chosen this path, and some feel it's a quick fix to a temporary situation of utter despair and feeling of hopelessness, sadly.

Those left behind all grieve differently, but guilt, and grief seem to always stay with family... I'm only an outsider to this...and really have no place saying something stupid like I understand anyone's pain... we don't, I don't. I've experienced this first hand with some friends of mine who lost their son who took his life. They needed help for a bit sorting out the circus of people showing up to tell them how 'they knew how they felt', or 'how upset they were about this kid, or how sorry they were... but none of this takes those parents pain away. And actually some can be harmful... no one knows how you feel. All I could do is dishes, taking out the trash, and putting an arm around my friend's shoulder as they cried. It's awful and very sad to see such pain.

Mia51 profile image
Mia51 in reply to fauxartist

Thank you for your wise reply.We as parents who have shared the trauma of suicide are very wary to talk to others.We are so fragile and sensitive to judgement.Its a club no one really wants to join.

fauxartist profile image
fauxartist in reply to Mia51

I've seen the devastation of the teacher couple friends of mine who lost one of their sons, both trying to deal with their grief differently, and that itself has been another blow to them. One of the saddest things of all of this is the surviving son who if afraid to grieve because his brother in life had been so much more demanding of their time than he, so he always quietly tried to be an over achiever because of it. Now he once again is left to grieve on his own in a way because he doesn't want to burden them in their grief with his suffering and his loss.

So glad you found a reason to live. I know you've probably heard it before, but you don't have to live like that all the time. I've had several different kinds of treatments for PTSD over the years, including a private hospital in Hollywood FL

(I live in Daytona Beach) and admitted myself twice. It took my Medicare and it helped tremendously. I found out about it while going to a weekly depression support and information group. There's all kinds of stuff out there if you open yourself up to receiving the info from the Universe. It's true. :) <3

Thank you. ❤️ I really need EMDR. I get triggered a lot. On top of that my Bipolar 1 disorder is a severe case. It has become my norm to have mood swings, insomnia, anxiety, and depression. I really don't want to live like this, but I love people too much to give up.

Good for you! I've had

EMDR several times in the past and didn't find that that helpful. But that's me; I've heard good things about it. Love you.

Thx for sharing! I guess if I can I'll try it in hopes of it helping me. I'm sorry it didn't help you. I love you, too!

Having once seriously -- very seriously -- considered suicide myself, I understand. A lot of different thoughts can be used as coping skills in addition to reminding yourself you are an aunt. One might be that you are going to die anyway at some point, so no need to rush it.

Another is to think of happy moments, memories, times, things and learn how to force the scary and negative thoughts out and replace them with these thoughts. Different things work for different people but some for me are looking at pictures of fall foliage on line, smelling food grilling on the BBQ, and when I had a bad night I would sometimes go to a hardware store. Looking around at all the tools and parts and supplies there was a creative atmosphere of useful things that could be done.

It seems like the simpler, smaller and seemingly unimportant and irrelevant these simple joys are to my illness, the more effective they are, because you instinctively recognize that they can't be causing the feelings of hope in and of themselves, there must be something -- or Someone -- behind them...

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry it took me awhile to get back to you. You are so smart and I agree with everything you said. Sending you a hug! I hope you NEVER consider suicide again. I'm still trying to get it out of my brain.

21 years ago my daughter then 31 tried to kill herself twice. I was told the reason, but I felt helpless. The thing that helped was when she found out she was pregnant. She had her daughter and had something to live for. She stayed with her partner, the babies father. They both have problems that they dealt with when they became parents. My grandaughter is 21 and beautiful, my daughter has stopped talking to me, she suffers from bi polar. I am still glad she did not manage to kill herself, I would love it if she called me.

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel. Sending you love and warmth. ❤️

I am suffering with anxiety depression insomnia and headache, tinnitus that hasn’t left in months. The SI started in July and hasn’t left - I don’t really know why I am still here- I live in a toxic situation, nearly everything sets off my anxiety , it’s hard to do much at all. I am not close with my siblings or family, my mother is a narcissist and is against me taking psych meds and thinks that energy medicine or exercise or meditation is the way. I’m not sure. It helps a little but feels like I’m Just buying another day…

My headaches have gotten a little better since seeing the chiro but they still spike and still linger around- no one has looked in my head with a scan so of course anxiety thinks it’s horrible . I keep on having to push my initial neuro appt back due to other reasons so it’s just meh. It’s likely not anything bad but still.

My therapist knows about my SI but doesn’t think I’d act on them- though when I put my mind truly into something it gets done and well im scared that I’ll cross that bridge and we’ll no one can pull me back. Set goals, do motivation things. I’m trying to be kinder to myself - I beat myself up wanting to be healed already from this but it keeps on ripping me apart. The psych that I have is nice but I can’t see her much plus I’m so hesitant to try uprising meds due to side effects which I will have to weather alone as my toxic mother doesn’t support me with that.

But whatever I used to think it was my cat as he really only loves me but mom feeds him so he’d be taken care of. So I don’t know what keeps me going.

Every day just feels like the same monotony- I wake up anxious and depressed and with no job. I have friends but im at the age they have families and their own lives- so really I don’t even know.

I have PDD persistent depression disorder so I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember- even as a teen. It’s just now with everything I feel like the knot I am holding onto is is fraying and while I have so many more coping skills than I did back in April when all this started up I have no motivation. Sigh . Sorry for this long post but I feel like the song “bring me to life” . I wish someone could indeed breath into me and make me real…

You're here because you're meant to be. Things will change. I lived in a very toxic living situation for 5 years putting up with abuse from my mom and her boyfriend. I finally got out of it and am safe, but because of my PTSD I still don't feel safe all the time. I am so sorry. I wish I could take away your pain. Don't apologize for the long post. I'm glad you shared. I'm sorry my post isn't longer. The truth is I just wish you could feel better. Things WILL change. That is certain. Please keep holding on. Sending you so much love. ❤️

Ty hugs and I wish things would change. I just feel after all this time nothing really has sigh.

Since my suicide attempt in 2017 not much has changed. I am tired. We can be tired together. 💚

I made several suicide attempts before I got a diagnosis. In 1994 I almost succeeded. I was so mentally ill at the time I wanted to die. Fast forward to about 10 years ago when out of the blue it really hit me what I would of missed if I'd of died. All the years of being with my family, watching new members join my family, the reality of the devastation and long term consequences for others that I love of me dying and by suicide. At the time I felt so horrible and everything just felt so helpless. It took ages but I kept going. I got a diagnosis and got the right medication. I still suffer, I get so depressed I can't move and I stink, I don't move for days I crave company but can't cope with it. I'm useless at speaking to my family but they still love me. But when I feel that I'd be better off dead I think about the time since 1994. Lots of bad days but some wonderful ones. Feeling like nothing and sometimes feeling nothing, being empty or sometimes feeling terrified because my illness is thinking up ways to terrify me ,making me hallucinate. But with all that I'm so ,so glad I'm not dead. That I didn't die. I'm crying as I write this because I'm so glad I didn't die but also because the pain I feel with coping with my life. I barely cope with bad days but thinking of the rare good days keeps me going.

I am so glad you didn't kill yourself. Friends? I almost died in 2017 in ICU. If I had waited 5 more minutes until calling 911 I wouldn't be here. Thank you for choosing life. I know it's hard, but I and other's are so glad you're here. 💚 It's okay to cry. I cry all the time. Don't fight it. Just let yourself feel because the good times will feel that much better. I hope you're doing okay today. I am here for you.

Thank you 🤗

My pleasure!

I think I wouldn't because of my friends, boyfriend and my pets. I had a long history of suicide attempts but I was so deep in my depression I don't think about others I kept sinking deeper and deeper but People were able to pull me up and I am stronger today. Some days are still hard; Sometimes I do think about how everything would be easier if I wasn't here but I know there is people that love me. Also pm if you need to talk ❤️❤️❤️

Connection is everything for me. It helps so much with the suicidal thoughts, but also I think we need to learn to live for our self's. It's something I am still trying to work on. What pets do you have? I love animals. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

yep I learn that the hard way ( I depended to much on people for happiness so when they left it went down hill) I have 2 cats, (one is named luno originally luna but we found hes a boy and orea originally oreo whe found out it was a girl so gender were switch lol) I have 1 dog his name is bean and 2 guinea pigs one is named Rosita and anna they are very loud and love to eat lettuce lol. Do you have any pets

No, sadly I don't. I love bunnies though. I use to have one, but she died. Her name was Alice. I miss her.

Im sorry they are better than humans sometimes lol. They always keep you companie and are not judgy

I agree! lol How is your day going?

its ok ! im tired but ahh im trying to get through the day. How about you ??

I'm tired, too. A little anxious because I have a psychiatry appt. later today. I'll be fine though. I hope your day gets better! 💚

how did your appointment go ?? yep It got better, im just tired physically lol

It went well. I am so lucky to have a good relationship with my psychiatrist... I know so many people don't. I am tired both physically and mentally. I feel emotionally drained. I have very vivid dreams, so I'm not going into a deep sleep cycle. I feel like I haven't slept in a week, so I've been moody. How is your day going though? ❤️

oh im sorry to hear that ): Is there any medicine you can take so u can sleep??

make sure to take time for yourself. Do something you enjoy to ground yourself. go for a walk, sing , listen to music etc. My day is ok Im really tired I slept 4 hours yesterday I had a lot of hw.

I got on a very low does of a sleeping pill recently. I think we need to increase it. Last night I had a very vivid nightmare. 😥

I'm sorry you only slept for 4 hours. And thx, I hope you can make time for yourself, too. 💚

I did what you suggested and took time for myself! I took a walk and read a book in one sitting!!! Thank you for reminding me to take time for myself.

im glad it helped yeah sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves

I hope you do something to take care of yourself today!

I went for a walk which was kinda a bad decision it was really cold and windy but other than that enjoyable ❤️❤️ hbu ???

I really didn't do much. I'm so tired, unmotivated, and depressed. 😭

oh no why?? do you wanna talk pm me ):

I just did! 💚

💚

I have to live for myself, in a sense. I have to live for God; I can't make a mockery of what He took such great care to create (me). I have to live for my mom/uncle/cousins. I have a niece as well, I'm about to have 2. I have to live for them & show them that I'll always love them & be there for them. ❤

Love it! ❤️

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