Life Update | Hint: Not so great!

[Nerdo243]

I'm purely at a loss as to what to do. Got the sweet major depression, have had it for years and officially diagnosed. Spent a year with a therapist and medicine which in the end did nothing. I have zero strength to get better and the tiny tiny amounts of will I get sometimes are not enough.

I've been unemployed for nearly a year now, have no savings, and have payments coming up. I try looking for jobs with my work experience in the IT field, but hilariously I live in rural country where these positions are very very rare. Each time I open job searching sites I'm filled with complete and udder dread and don't believe that "It's worth it." A good way to state how I feel is to say I don't get any satisfaction from these things. When working before, earning the paycheck to pay for things filled me with no feelings, I did not care or feel any signs of "Yay I did this, I can take care of myself!"

My family is the type that doesn't believe depression is real, that I need to "man up" and stop being a child so I don't really get any support. The 2 friends I do have I see maybe 3 times a year who don't really understand how I feel either, it's the same "get a job you'll feel better."

I just want to exist but it doesn't seem like that is allowed, this house is so noisy and loud all the time I want out, I keep setting dates for myself and flip flopping on them (the bad kind) and I'm overall just an unreliable horrible person who should work in fast food (according to basically everything)

I don't know if registering for unemployment is really possible or easy to get on thanks to Covid and our government is, well, in turmoil and only gave out a hilariously small stimulus package for how long everything has been going on. Just a big fat "what's the point?"

Anyway I have no money and I cant wait for everything to crumble and crush me.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Sorry you aren't feeling great

Have you considered voluntary work just to get you out there mixing with people ?

Web design.is in demand could you train to do that? Or train even more in IT

[Hidden]

That was well written. Maybe you should write because I totally understand what you said. I feel happier since starting a serious health routine with vegetable juice and online classes. I hope you find your "ikigai". I am bipolar and I like that you are open to the idea of getting better. It's possible to be happy. Good luck!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

P.s. I am technically disabled and it saved my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That's why there are services for it. It doesn't have to be permanent. That's all. Hope it helps you.