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Hate my toxic relationship

I hate everything about my relationship. I have to say how of a douchbag my husband is. He is a fucking veteran with problems, but he is draining me away. I’m not the person I used to be & I look myself in the mirror and feel so unattractive.... and lonely. I don’t feel loved at all, to be honest I feel hated. I don’t even have a sexual desire anymore. He just treats me like shit everyday...I’m depress and I can tell. I just wish my life can turn out differently.

Sorry, just wanted to ventilate.

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Jfb007

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30 Replies

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I’m having the same issue. My husband is an a**hole too. I’m currently focusing on myself and I’m trying to stay detached because he has put tremendous amount of pressure on me and he gets a kick out of it. My self esteem was beat into the ground. Everything he criticized me about was really how he was. Not smart, lazy, a user, not responsible, among other things and I believe him, until I began to see him for who he really was. So, now it doesn’t bother me as much. I still have my days but I picture how rewarding it’s going to be to leave.

I understand completely. I don’t get how they can criticize if actually there describing there self’s. I imagine my self without him and it would be so much better. I try to ignore but sometimes is overwhelming.

Thanks for the comment 🙂

Why not focus your attention on planning a better life for yourself without him?

No one has to put up with toxic partners, I left mine many many years ago, I left with my 3 very young children and it was a long hard struggle to get back on my feet, but I'm glad I did because I deserved better, and so do you, xx

That’s a good question that I still have no answer. But if I have to think why is much on the economic part since I’m in College at the moment...

But I know the answer is my happiness before anything.

Thank you xoxo

I feel for you. Your worth so much more than dealing with his crap. We all are. From my personal experience, get out sooner than later before the toxicity of hate and resentment takes even more of a toll on you. Hugs and strength!

Thank you for that. I appreciate your opinion. Xoxoxo

I'm sorry you're going through all that. It's a lot to take care of someone with PTSD or care for an adult in general. PTSD is serious and he needs major therapy, which you can't provide. This comes from someone with depression and mild PTSD. It's my responsibility to go to therapy or figure out a way to get better, so I feel better and don't take my crap out on others. That is a really tough situation you're in.

As others have said, you don't deserve to be treated like that.

I feel the same way you do: lonely, unattractive, no sexual desire, I don't know who the hell I am. I don't have to take care of my husband. He does have some good traits, but it's like we're brother and sister. I don't have money to get a separation.

Thats the thing.... PTSD need treatment and since the pandemic the treatments has been superficial. They call and ask normal questions and hung up, they are not treating the patient correctly. I feel so much pressure and the need to help him that is draining me. And yes, I don’t have the economically stability to be alone. I just need to take care of myself. Thanks for understanding I truly appreciate it. Xoxoxo

(((Hug)))

I can totally empathize with you. My relationship with my husband has also turned toxic. And it doesn’t help that we are quarantined inside together. Am trying to refocus attention on what I want from life. Sick of taking care of HIS needs. Groan!

This pandemic is making everybody anxious... and yes we need to refocus out attention to ourselves. I get you I’m sick of taking care of his need as well, is draining!

You are all singing my song too. Quarantine has been really hard on relationships that were already sucky to begin with. I originally started posting because the stress of dealing with family members who are mentally ill, abusive, and exploitative was causing me severe depression. Unfortunately, the economics and the current state of things don't allow for much reprieve. So the challenge becomes how to keep one's soul alive and to try to keep one's mind from going over the edge which is probably normal given the abnormality of living with someone who is incapable of any kind of normal response. To make things worse, it seems that this person isn't happy unless they are the constant center of attention, and that means they will take both positive and negative attention if they can't get the former. What that means is that you can't just ignore them because they will do something to get negative attention if they are not being focused on (as in the constant center of attention), in some kind of passive aggressive move then complain that they are getting picked on! It is horrible. I know the game now and if I could leave and make it on my own I totally would but I don't think it is possible right now. Any kind of hope I had for things to be different died during covid quarantine. Now I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him; it makes me feel physically sick to be around him. I don't like who I have become in this either but pray that something good will come out of it. If nothing else, it is an opportunity for me to "stand up for myself" in a way that I never have before and prioritize myself, my health, my happiness. It is time to let go...

I definitely understand when you say you can't stand to be in the same room with him and you feel sick around him. In the last yr of my marriage we had become roommates that couldn't stand each other. Then during one argument I lost the last shred of respect i had for the man. After loosing that last bit of respect I was rarely in the same room and hardly said a word. I had no intention of leaving the house I paid for and looking back I should have kicked him out. But that is water under the bridge now. Difficult marriage situations are very stressful to deal with and I feel for any woman going through it. You are correct - you are the priority!!!

Yes is true, I need to make myself a priority. Thanks I appreciate it.

Ha ha! Same here, house is in my name but don't have the heart to kick him out in my case. Well, it is really a huge challenge isn't it? I somehow have to make it to December, get employment and move on. I am not going to stay here I am going to rent the house out to him and buy another property, I hope. I am just trying to get through all this with some bit of self respect and sense of moral obligation fulfilled so when I start my life anew, it is with myself intact. The situation would have been resolved sooner if not for Covid. As is, the whole thing is dragging on with very debilitating effects for me and my sanity. But, I pray every day and find strength in knowing that who I am now is a work in progress, and G-d's plan for me is always better than mine. It could be worse.

Yes I get you exactly. My husband has PTSD plus bipolar symptoms and this quarantine has made him worst. And yes, is mentally and physically stressful. The only good thing about my situation is that I’m studying and most of the time I’m doing homework and videoconference with my Professors. He is bored and he usually would go out and he can’t plus his anxiety doesn’t help at all. I’m trying to put him to do a major so he can get his mind occupied. I talked to him yesterday and gladly he said yes. Hope this get better. We need to stand up for ourself as well.

You keep up the good work and stay in school! Be proud of yourself! That is the best thing you can do to further yourself in life. You sound practical, I think you are gonna make it! Hugs

What you are all describing is Narcissistic Abuse. Projection is one of their go to moves. They'll call you a liar, a cheater, disloyal, lazy, etc when THEY are all these things. It's all a part if gaslighting - a "technique" abusers use to make you question your own sanity so they can control you. I've been a victim of this abuse and I won't be the first to tell you that it only gets worse! Get out as soon as you can!

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.

Thanks, good term to know. I hadn't heard it before.

I must agree! I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. It really destroyed me. But what help me climb out of that pit of despair is believe it or not YouTube videos from people helping victims of narcissistic abuse. In the search engine just put a narcissist and a lot of great videos will come up. It really really helps

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look it up ☺️

You're welcome. Just remember you are a VICTIM of his abuse no matter what he says. You are not alone.

Thanks for the support, and you are right. Xoxo

There are some good ideas that people have already posted. I cannot speak from a woman's or veteran's perspective. I can speak as someone who has been married 35 years and some of those years were very hard. For me, what makes marriage work is love of your partner, trust, respect and the ability to be able to really deal with hard issues after a blow up occurs.

You have probably heard the phraseology "When you do or say____________, it makes me feel _________. I would like for you to _________, so that I can better understand and work to resolve this with you" ....etc. Essentially, non-threatening and conciliatory without letting him get off the hook. Don't know if you have tried a good couples/ family counselor but that is what helped sort things out for my wife, daughters and me. I heard from my daughters and the my wife during therapy sessions and it was a safe place to have the hard conversations that were needed. Also, the therapist can provide observations to your husband about what he is doing and figure out motivations and ways to get back on track.

He may not agree to go and you may be way past this point but, my family benefited greatly from this. If you can find a counselor experienced with PTSD, that's ideal.

Before all of that I believe you need to take a break and go stay somewhere away from your regular routine to renew yourself and begin sorting out your feelings and personal goals. That should guide your next steps but making rash decisions without taking that break allows the situation to influence your decisions too much. For instance, is there still a real connection between you and your husband beyond physical attraction? Have you tried resolving issues in the past and he is unwilling to do the work to make changes? What are your personal and career goals outside being with him or someone else? How might your interactions with each other be increasing tensions? Is there a pattern?

Once you sort through things a bit, having a general Plan A and a Plan B (and maybe Plan C) for meeting your goals. An example might be that you will talk to your husband one last time and explain your concerns to see if he is interested and committed to addressing problems. If he is receptive, you can pursue Plan A. If not, you may pursue a plan that doesn't include him. You don't need to work everything out in advance, take a step at a time, unless he is abusing you or your children (if you have any) - then get to a shelter and take advantage of support services there right away.

Bottom line is that you do have options. They just have not been revealed yet. I wish you the best and that you find your path to pursuing happiness.

Shelters? What shelters? Actually, no, women who are in abusive situations have very few resources, especially women who live middle class lives. Most of the shelters are in areas of town that are far more dangerous to live in than staying with the abuser I am sorry to say. The suggestions you give are wonderful and very constructive, unfortunately, someone who is controlling and making life miserable for others is rarely willing to participate in counselling in a positive way in my experience. Abusers are really skilled at charming counselors and putting the ball in their court so they look like the "injured" party. I tried several times to get my partner to go to counselling and each time it was pointless until one day I arranged a situation to illustrate to the counselor exactly what I was talking about. The counselor instantly realized she had made a huge mistake and my spouse was so mad he never went back. All I did was use the therapy session to confront him with the news that I wasn't feeling well due to back pain and couldn't take him to the airport. I said, "I love you, but I need you to take an Uber..." his response was to become enraged and sputter, "You mean you aren't even going to take me to the airport?" like I had done something terrible to him and was guilty of long standing neglect when in fact I was so ill from several things at the time, I could hardly stand up. You sound like one of the good ones! Your family is lucky to have you.

I am very sorry to hear how bad your situation has become. It is obvious that you are beyond counseling, as he is unwilling to hear it or admit any responsibility for what he has done and is still doing.

I would not write off shelters though. They are usually quite safe within the shelter grounds, even in sketchy neighborhoods, and they have access to resources to help you gain the wherewithal to be able to change the course of your life. Aside from this, asking any reliable and supportive family and friends to provide you with a temporary place to stay and possibly money to get a new start may be a possibility. I don't know. Also, better women's shelters may be in a nearby city or town. Never stop trying!

I cannot understand what it is like to go through what you are all experiencing. However, I do know( as I am sure you do) that breaking the cycle of an abusive relationship is critical to taking a new path....much easier said than done. Getting therapy for yourself (often available through shelters in group sessions with other women) to change your view of the dynamics of your situation may be helpful. All I can do is encourage and cheer you on.

Still, you do have options but they all require some tough decisions. You sound very capable of taking control of your future. It seems like it may be a matter of how strong a grip the dynamics of your relationship has on you. The questions is how strong is that gravity that draws you back in and can you resist it long enough to break the cycle and get help?

I hope you can figure it out and reach out to see what support systems are available for you.

Stay safe and good luck!

Is there anyway you can leave him?

At this time no since I din’t have any economical resources & we can say basically I’m his caregiver.