im gross

[roachkid]

depression has led to a lack of motivation has led to poor hygiene... at this point it's become normal for me not to brush my teeth- disgusting, i know. It's not hard or complicated to get myself to do it and my excuses almost never include actually forgetting to. im just addicted to self sabotage and self destruction. ill avoid drinking water like the black plague or pick my skin raw or make myself stay up late. small, stupid things which are really just replacement behaviors for more serious and alarming ones. its a subconsious compromise where ill focus on redirecting unhealthy coping mechanisms, all of which function as some form of self harm, just to swap them with micro versions of the original action. like instead of c*tting i dig holes into my skin under the guise of grooming. instead of indulging in anorexia and being severely malnourished im just super dehydrated. Instead of managing a healthier sleep schedule i stimulate my brain into the night via creating art or reading or watching videos so idont have to focus on my restlessness and body pain. all for some pitiful claim to self control. technically, i could stop sabotaging myself- but having that reason to fall back on functions as a reminder that im not completely out of control when it comes to my own autonomy.

[Hidden]

What you wrote makes sense to me. I wouldnt mess around with dental hygiene though. My bottom gums are very thin because I neglected brushing for a while. Now that I'm feeling much better I wish I hadn't done it. I'm probably going to have to get the bottom front row taken out eventually. I'm only 28. Once those gums are gone, they dont come back. Bottom line is you could get better one day and you want to be healthy physically too. I know you're in a tough spot right now and it's way easier said than done.

[Purrsona in reply to Hidden]

Scheisse I'm sorry about your teeth. I'm glad the rest of you is doing better though!

[Hidden in reply to Purrsona]

Yea it's a bit of a bummer

[Hidden]

You seem to have a lot of understanding of what and why you do these things. I would say that is a good start to making better choices or changes where needed. not everyone can see what it is there doing let alone explain it. Good for you. I get self sabotage, for many years I did that tell one day two years ago I woke up in such a bad place I had to make a change. Its been a long road and I still have a ways to go but at least I am on the road and not in the ditch.

[Purrsona in reply to Hidden]

That really struck me too. Roachkid, you are very good at expressing yourself and seem to have a lot of insights, which I hope will help you on your recovery. FWIW, I have some similar habits that sort of reduce self-harm to something less noticeable--scratching, pulling my hair, etc, although for me these are extremely hard to control. (I also have a lot of trouble not distracting myself with moviesm internet, and books, as you said.) If you're looking for a greater sense of control, there are other things you can do: yoga, meditation, exercise, even holding your breath to increase your lung capacity. If that all sounds undoable, you can also try shocking your system by dunking your head in ice water.

I also wonder if it might help you to go in the opposite direction and exert a sense of control by scheduling things--I HAVE to go to bed at this hour, I HAVE to get up at this time, etc. Even a small victory can affirm your autonomy. Take care.

[roachkid in reply to Purrsona]

thank you this is the most helpful coment ive recieved by far! its also really nice to relate on this level

[roachkid in reply to Hidden]

im so happy to hear youre doing better! you inspire me whether or not you recognize the credit you deserve for making such a difficult transition. i would genuinely appreciate to hear how you managed

[Freedom57]

How about trying to change your mindset from self hate to self love

It’s difficult but possible with effort you might be able to change & support yourself instead of self sabotage

Being dehydrated is very dangerous for your health

I used to not care, back in 2016 my tongue was so dry it stuck to the roof of my mouth because I drank so many dehydrating drinks

I became very ill shortly thereafter & was diagnosed with 6 illnesses & diseases in one year, two involve lifelong chronic pain

I wish I could turn back tome & get a redo. I definitely would take better care of myself

You can change your life in positive ways by taking one step at a time in a new healthier direction

Not getting restful sleep is terrible for your health, maybe you can start there

I wish you the best on your healing journey

My cousin had your attitude four years ago, he died five months later

because he gave up

Life is worth living when we build a better life, you can do it...I am, one day at a time🌻

[roachkid in reply to Freedom57]

thanks for sharing part of you and your cousins stories and experiences with such things. i definitely feel for u both<3 i do care about being better at taking care of my basic needs but it's often all or nothing.. i end up caring so much i get overwhelmed and avoid it anyway smh. as for truly changing my mindset, i really hope i make it there. ive gotta focus on just surviving each day for now

[Freedom57 in reply to roachkid]

Take small steps, don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself

After awhile, you’ll form new habits that will become a natural routine

Focus on two things tomorrow maybe

Brush your teeth & hydrate yourself

You are worth the effort & love 🌻

[OR4377]

Your self awareness is amazingly on point. I recall trying to explain some of my struggles to someone- they figure since I knew exactly what was going on I should have been able to control what I was doing. It’s difficult to not know what’s going on with you... it’s even worse to me to know exactly what is going on and not know how to “fix” it. Thank you for sharing🌻

[roachkid in reply to OR4377]

totally. getting better is so hard and falling deeper into depression is so easy for me. soo frustrating when youre in a mental space that leaves you feeling 'stuck'

[Freedom57 in reply to roachkid]

We have a lot of practice being depressed & feeling bad about ourselves, it’s almost like an addiction to sadness

You have to change up what you’ve been doing to get positive results!

[1OshunDreamer]

I'd like to make a suggestion as a starting point for you. One of the first thing we're told during depression is always make your bed. Some people take it literally and make their bed everyday, I take it as get into a habit to force yourself out of bed everyday. In my case brushing my teeth is what gets me out of bed. When I wake up I brush my teeth and do not go back to bed. That doesn't mean I'm not going to lay on the couch all day, but I get out of bed every morning and go to bed every night.