Self doubt

[Mishell11]

I have tried to keep myself motivated everytime, but things don't end in my favour. I have always believed that beauty doesnt matter as long as you are a charming person, because thats what my parents told me. But no, everything is always loved with its first look. For eg, You are always asked to look perfect and presentable infront of a gathering, because no ones going to look at a non-presentable face and share their problems or even select you after an official interview. Well, looking beautiful somehow matters.

And i have been into 3 relationships earlier, the first kept bragging about how great and pretty his ex gf looked and how i didnt and he that he didnt care about it as long as i loved him. 2nd one, would say he like fat chicks like me, but ends up falling in love with the skinny ones. And my 3rd one was the longest and he kept telling me from the beginning that how his friends disapproved of me being his girlfriend as, they felt like he deserved someone beautiful. My insecurities kept growing, but i was always very much okay and chill about it. I never let anyone feel that i was ever upset about it other than my 3rd one, because i loved him soo much that i thought that once he poves me he will find me pretty, but that didnt happen and i had to say it while we broke up.

And today, i have been talking to a guy with whom i met on instagram through a friend of mine, its been 2 months since we actually started talking and we started video calling, hes fun and non judgemental, but today as he showed his friends my face while we were on a call, they called me pretty much ugly directly. And i laughed to it , so did he. But now, as i think of it, it feels pretty heavy inside me. I haven't felt this offended, maybe because this is the first time someones ever told me to my face that i look ugly.

But then later on, when he called me he was like hey you look beautiful today, and i acted very normal and i was like please stop kidding around me. I think he felt a bit bad about it and kept telling me that i look beautiful. That took me nearly to tears and also a smile.

And i realised how being beautiful is such a mandatory thing. I have always forced myself into diet and other remedies to make myself look thin and beautiful, when i found that my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. But nothing changed, he still didnt respect me.

Maybe someday someone will look at me and tell me that i am beautiful not just from the inside but also to the outside.

[hypercat54]

Oh tell me about it! I have had lots of 'ugly' comments from men all my life or little digs which upset me. I suspect you are young, and young men can be very shallow I found. Some older men too as it boosts their ego to have an decorative ornament on their arm.

I found when I got in my mid to late 20's though most men look for personality and women who were confident in their skin as that's very attractive. Make the best of what you have and develop a bit of a sharp tongue and don't let men's insults get to you too much. Ask yourself if you would want anyone this shallow.

[Mishell11 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah i try to develop a sharp tongue, at times it has helped me but moments like these which come a bit too surprising to me , makes me uncomfortable and just makes me want to hide somewhere.

[hypercat54 in reply to Mishell11]

I know what you mean but it's better than taking crap from people.

[Mishell11 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah i get you. Thankyou ☺️

[kbrauer]

Hello hon,

Yes, we are always the hardest on ourselves. We cannot expect anyone to feel love towards us when we first do not love ourselves. - We must first find the way to grow in confidence in ourselves before we can expect others to believe in us. I used to be a extremely shy p[person. I never talked anyone. Then one day my Sunday school teacher told me if I wanted to get anywhere in life I had to learn to open up and start talking to people. Kids would not want to be around me because I would not speak to them - I was so afraid that they would laugh at me if I talked. Then in my early twenties I really realized I was not going to go anywhere if I did not open up. My bicycle was my way of escaping people. I grew to love biking and I started riding up to 200 -300 miles a week back then. I met some other bikers and I found that I started t talking and opening up. Then, some of my friends who have hung in there with me all this time started noticing that I was talking more. I started noticing that I did have things to talk about and people did not make fun of me. In fact, they were impressed by some of the things that I have been doing. It took a long time to learn how to open up though. At first people had to ask me to speak up , because they could not hear me. It was quite embarking for me to have all of peoples attention directed towards me... All these years later, I have to keep telling myself, if I do not ask the question I might miss out and if I do not speak up, I might miss the opportunity to - . What can you do to help yourself change? Dieting can be good, but what else can you do to help yourself esteem? Have you thought about getting involved in a support group that fits your needs? Your local Community Health Department will have information, you can check out your local community church and the pastor can help you find the right direction/ group for you, your doctor can help you find the right direction too. Family and friends can help as well... I hope this helps you. Hang in there, there is always hope!

[Mishell11 in reply to kbrauer]

Yeah i know i have to work on myself a lot, and thankyou, i am glad that i atleast have this support group, where i can speak without fear.