Nothing

[Hazel___]

In high school I didn't have many friends. I eventually made friends with a girl who had two brothers, whom I was also close with. We started to drink and party together and there was one party where I had decided to stay at the person's house after all of the boys had left. I remember passing out on a couch and woke up to one of my friend's brother's having sex with me. I was frozen. I couldn't move or speak or think about what was happening. I have never felt more out of control in my life. I can still feel him inside of me and his hands holding me down. I laid there until it was over and then got up and went into another room still drunk trying to get away from him. He followed me into the other roomed and forced me to suck his dick. I remember feeling so powerless and like I was suffocating. After it was over I sat in the room in a chair trying to make myself as small as possible. The next day I left and went home and showered just trying to feel clean. I wasn't sure what to call what had just happened because of how the sex ed classed in my school lacked any form of knowledge. I had talked to my cousin the next day and explained to her what had happened, she told me that I had been raped and that it was not ok. I remember not knowing how to feel about it because from what I knew about rape at the time was that it was done by a stranger in a dark ally, and not by someone who you were supposed to trust. The next day in school I was eating lunch in the hall way when a bunch of my friends ran out asking me if I had had sex with that guy. I explained to them what had happened and they were pissed at me and told me I was a drunk slut. I felt even more confused than ever. I went up to him after that and asked him why he thought that it was ok to do that to me when I was passed out. He told me that "idk you made a noise when I stuck it in so I figured it was cool." I remember walking away being like what. I didn't understand how that was ok, or how someone that I had trusted could betray me like that. For the rest of the school year girls called me slut, whore, and hoe. This was so hurtful and really damaged my relationship with girls in general because I felt like I couldn't trust them. The boys on the other hand came to the conclusion that I was easy and could be tossed around from one guy to the next one. I remember going out every weekend after that happened and hooking up with as many people as I could so that sex would become meaningless for me and then what that guy had done and what all the girls called me wouldn't hurt as much and would be meaningless too. I found out that I was pregnant about a month later. I was so alone and confused and stressed with my life that keeping it didn't feel like an option, but before I could decide to get an abortion I had the choice taken away from me. The miscarriage started during a history class. I ran into a stall and was in so much pain and was bleeding and so sad. I did my best to hide it from everyone in my life, and it was only a few moths ago where I told my mom what had happened. There was only one person I felt like I could talk to aside from my cousin who was generally unhelpful at that time, my teacher a woman in her twenties who made me feel safe. I never told her about the miscarriage but I did tell her about what had happened to me and she was a great source of support. After the miscarriage people continued to use me for sex and there was one party in particular where I hooked up with five different guys. The night started when I was in a pool with many other people and a guy came behind me and started having sex with me. I didn't even know who he was until he finished and then we went inside and had sex again. I had never met that guy until that night, I later found out that he filmed us having sex and sold it to some people at school. I have never seen the video. Later that night I had a guy finger me and then his friend came over and joined. There were two other guys that night but I can't remember what we did because I was so drunk. The scariest things in life are the things that you don't remember doing because you have to trust in what other people say you did, but how can you do that if the people that were there proved themselves to be untrustworthy. I stopped sleeping after that for more than an hour or two a night. I would wait until four or five in the morning and then go to sleep because I never wanted what had happened to me to happen again and I felt like if I was awake it couldn't. I still have a very hard time trusting people because of these things and it has an impact on the relationships I have now. It also makes being let down our disappointed difficult because there is always a spark of hope that things will get better so when I allow myself to think that they will I often get hurt.