The people the pain of it

[Starrlight]

I’m tired of people wanting so much from me. Constantly. I do tend to give a lot but when I say no I mean it and they press and press and I’m f ing tired of it! I expressed my view to one of them but I don’t know if it did much good, we’ll see. Anyone feel similar? I swear right now I just want to block everyone out and just do what I want. Ha I’m usually not so irritable and negative😡 just having a time here.

[All_alone]

Ha! Sounds very familiar. The ones I get a kick out of are the ones I never hear from till they want something...

I'm sorry. It must be the full moon. I dont know. I have put my phone on silent for the last 2 days. It works for me in a way. ❤

[Starrlight in reply to All_alone]

It feels like a full moon doesn’t it?!

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Yes. There are people who treat you like you are a wallet--go to you when they need something, and when they get it, they put you out of mind until they need something from you again. I have to keep telling myself that there are people out there who will be friends to me--I just have not found them yet. You have the right to your feelings, and I can understand your feeling irritable. Situations like you describe do not make you feel any better. Hope the support coming your way helps a lot!

[Agora1]

I use to hate that Starrlight...I'd say no but feel I needed to explain why.

That's were I got myself into trouble.. Once you give an opening to the

other party, they'll keep badgering until you cave.

My sister finally gets the picture when I say "no", that's what I mean.

But then again, I no longer feel I have to give a reason. xx

[Starrlight in reply to Agora1]

Yes! Exactly. I used to let my youngest son talk me into doing things I reaaally didn’t want to do. I’ve been easing into meaning no, still feeling bad as I explain and soon I won’t have the need to explain. I love being able to say yes to him I do but I just get so tired. I don’t want to become resentful and it would be my fault for not saying a firm no.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

‘ No is a complete sentence, it does not need clarification’

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

I like that Danielle...."No" is a complete sentence.

Thank you, that's something I will always remember xx

[Hidden]

Well as for me, a lot of the time I am not really a people person. So many people just try to use you in some way, like extract what info they can from you and then they move on. I don't know if I'm too fussy or something but I just don't seem to get along with certain people, I've been through too much and my radar is up for figuring out if someone really cares about me or not. If someone wants to badger me after I've said no to them, I'd be wanting to tell them What part of no don't you understand??? I know how I might come across as rude or blunt, but there are so many manipulative people out there that I think with some of them, that's what you have to do to let them know you will not be manipulated so easily!!! Or some people will just try and try or take and take!!!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Yeah I hear ya so true! I think it’s ok to be blunt and take care of yourself for sure.

[Africschoice]

Your always so positive.... This is just a blip you are so strong

[Starrlight in reply to Africschoice]

That means a lot to me, thank you!

[TailWags]

everybody is allowed to have their time.

I was feeling like i had care giver OD last week. Tending assorted people long term while trying to crawl out of a hole myself. It just kind of got to me. i dont dislike the people i was tending, i actuallly care about them quite a bit. I think i just felt all given out. Doing much better now. Anyhow, that is long term caring.

As far as people asking for favors , i generally try to be nice and helpful. Sometimes i wonder if they think i am a sucker. Sometimes i dont care if they do. Sometimes i am not that helpful.

[Starrlight in reply to TailWags]

((((((((Hug))))))) you seem like an amazing person

[TailWags in reply to Starrlight]

I think there are a lot of amazing people on this site. The longer i am on it, the more i think people with depression and/or anxiety are just more empathetic and compassionate than the general public. Or maybe it is that just people using this site are. There are so many here with their own significant troubles that are willing to listen, support and encourage gentily. They understand and know how to help each other. I havent quite figured out the whole cause and effect or correlation, but i am impressed by the durability and compassion shown. Thank you

[Hidden in reply to TailWags]

You are a good person. There is caregiver burnout although you are not near that. You do, though, need to take time for yourself, to enjoy whatever makes you feel happy and relaxed, be with people who appreciate you and value what you do for others. People who think you are a sucker are not worth your even noticing them. Please do what you are doing and know you are valued.

[Hidden]

Yikes! Where'd Starrlight go?

It's okay, hon. You are entitled to be irritable. In fact, I'd be worried about you if you didn't show these emotions. Go through it and let it take its course through your system. It is not healthy to keep it bottled up, so thank you for doing this! It's okay!!!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I agree thank you , beautiful!

[Prancer500]

Whatever you do, don’t let people make you feel guilty. You have to set boundaries and stick to them even if you want to help. There are times that you just Can’t take on anything or more. It took me a long time to not feel guilty, worthless etc but Once I did, I took better care of myself, which has had a domino effect because now can circle back to help others. This versus just shutting down for two weeks...

[Starrlight in reply to Prancer500]

Awesome!!!!!!!

[Want2BHappy3]

I get it, I’ve had many siblings asking for help in the Past...hinch the word PAST. You have to stand your ground, I’m such an aggressive person that I pestered them for any money I lent them to the point that I was such a pain in the ASS, that it wasn’t worth it For them to deal with ME😡

[Starrlight in reply to Want2BHappy3]

((((((((Big huuuuuuug))))))))

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks 😷🙏

[c-mac]

Hi, Starrlight! I'm just going to throw out here that you sound justified in feeling the way you do, nobody should have to give more than their fair share. But the intensity of your irritation, which seems out of the ordinary to you, can be a symptom of hypomania. You had been worried about possible mood swings the other day.

[Starrlight in reply to c-mac]

Oooooooh yes thanks for that insight. I will pay attention! How are you doing?

[c-mac in reply to Starrlight]

I'm good, thanks. Succumbed to temptation and had a large caffeinated iced coffee at 5 last night, so I was up til 4! Ya. I try to keep the caffeine to a minimum, too much can trigger a hypomania, but I think I was not high last night, just super-awake! And for no good reason, i was actually bored. It would be one thing if I got a lot of housework done or something, but I hurt my foot so I'm pretty useless these days. But, I'm good, all told.

[244624]

Starlight my heart goes out to you I have realised I've given me away ,give give give i know i have to set boundaries now or i will never rebuild ,ive totally emptied my tank of emotions on others,my battery is all but dead ,i hope telling my people won't be seen as selfish, im scared of losing the few people I have in my life if I declare that I need to look after my needs for now ,its so tough when you want to help but have nothing left to give ,I ADMIRE you for having the spirit to tell people ,I will probably just run out of battery having given given given ,i used to recharge on the gratitude but nowadays each giving leaves less of me

Sorry too for the moaning but its a grey day here in my world ,hope I can get the courage to do as you did for my sake

Good luck in everything you do ,live up to your name Starlight

[Starrlight in reply to 244624]

Yes you can get up the courage. I believe in you. You are a special soul who deserves everything good. ❤️

[244624 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you starlight

Desperate to find a way through this because I need to get back to a life where I'm not the bottom of the pile where needs and caring are concerned,love all the positivity here maybe if i give myself a chance it will permeate my shrivelled being and help me start to care for me ,💖

[Starrlight in reply to 244624]

Care for you, yesssss!

[244624 in reply to Starrlight]

I do wish it but I seem to be unable to give care to me without feeling guilty ,why cant I see myself as worth it ,it makes me feel truly rotten ,I cant just relax and enjoy, im waiting for the next demand on my nil reserves I cant shake the darkness today ,maybe tomorrow ????????

[Starrlight in reply to 244624]

Hoping that for you

[Hidden]

I found when I didn't have any limits or boundaries I got walked on lots. But now they are in place I see way more respect and this doesn't happen anymore... It feels so nice..... ♥

[244624 in reply to Hidden]

Hi ,any clues as to how to start setting boundaries without losing friends and family,delighted to hear you have successfully managed and are reaping the benefits ,im terrified I will lose most of mine if I stop being the source of funds and the rest ..

[Starrlight in reply to 244624]

Maybe we can start small?

[Hidden in reply to 244624]

You'd think you would loose friends and aggravate family members with boundaries and limit, but in my case it didn't.... I let them know it's a new me, advised by my therapist to do this. They were in shock. but they don't push anymore. People will only walk over you if you lay down. They respect you more when they can't... Worked for me... Keep in mind, it is all about you...♥

[244624 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you ,i suppose I need to get to a place where I can actually face them with those words the "new me "sounds like a brave new world and hopefully I'll be ready for it sometime soon ,continued good wishes to you and keep enjoying your new found nice feelings 🌞

[Hidden in reply to 244624]

Thank you . If I can suggest a book for you.. It is " There's a hole in my sidewalk" by Portia Nelson. This is a motivational book I find very helpful in keeping me in line...

[244624 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you i will have a look ,anything to try and heal,just so low at the moment cant shift the feeling of having broken inside,and slipping into the chasm .........cant formulate positives ,or energy to set those boundaries,its like living in an envelope of fog with the edges sealed .the world is going on without me.

[244624 in reply to Hidden]

Just ordered the book !!!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Awesome

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I need in on this as well please. Any advice?

Edit: just saw the book you recommend. Does it talk about how to get past your insecurities about setting boundaries? For example, I don't think I deserve to give others boundaries because I don't want them to feel bad. Does that make sense? Thank you!

I hope you're doing well.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No the book doesn't give you boundaries. It just makes you think about situations... Boundaries and Limits are a good thing. You have to set them up yourself. How and what will you take from yourself, that is also what you should expect others too... People are not door mats and should be respected... By enforcing them for yourself it just rolls into standards of what you will accept. Don't let others treat you less than expected... It is easy once you get the hang of it... Hope this helps.. ♥

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes, this helps. Thank you!🙂

[HidingInPlainSight]

Been going through the same thing. I give all I can, but they always want more. Very draining and frustrating.

[TailWags in reply to HidingInPlainSight]

i care for my mom who is living with me now. I have periodic phone calls with her drs and nurses. They typically ask how I am doing at the beginning of each phone call. They caution me to take care of myself first. They said that they generally see the patient do fine but the care giver gets sick. You need to stay well in order to help anyone else.

[Spooky99]

Yep!!! I only hear from my one son when he needs something. I ALWAYS have an excuse ready. I’ve been a doormat too long. I say my excuse and that’s it. I’m terrible lol. I hate being committed to something, giving rides, babysitting a long time. Lol. I get taken advantage of. No more!! Lol. I am a nice person 😂

[cutaway]

Try this when someone asks you for something or to do something. "let me check my schedule/with my husband/family and I will get back to you in an hour/day/week." this will give you time to take a break, and look at your schedule and how you feel about it. A good come back can even be "wow I didn't realize how busy I was, I can't help this time but ask me again." If they get mad or upset at you they are not very good friends or appreciative of when you do help. Good luck. Remember we can't help others if we are not helping ourselves first.

[Prancer500]

I know that this sentence is going to seem impossible to perform but it is not impossible. If your disease that you had was cancer instead of anxiety depression disorder do you think that you would have the same feelings of what people think of you? Probably not. You should not care what other people think of you as long as you are doing the best you can. Once the paranoia of obsessing on what others thoughts may be, you will be amazed how much more you can do. Again I do stress as long as you’re a decent person and doing the best that you can. Some days my best is making my bed. But more days I can be much more productive than 3 years ago.Some days it will be more and some days it will be less. Also we cannot read their minds. Facial expressions do not always correlate what the person is feeling or thinking.?If it’s a smile what are they smiling about? If it’s a grimace what are they actually grimacing about? I have learned that you can’t go by what a person is feeling by their looks on their faces. For example, sometimes when a person is telling me something it will strike me funny because of a totally different thought that it reminded. But, what they’re actually telling me is not a funny at all and so I have to explain that I wasn’t laughing at what they were telling me. I was laughing at a memory related to the same item in a completely different situation. But you need to be able to not assume what they are thinking by their expressions. If you are concerned, sometimes it’s ok to be direct and ask them what they are thinking or feeling. I know this sounds impossible and I did not used to be able to do this. I was a very bad assumer. This would create those feelings of no self-worth, feeling like a loser, feeling in adequate, and a plethora of other self deprecating thoughts.It takes a while to reprogram yourself but it certainly can be done. You just need to keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can. There are still some times when I revert back to my old stinking thinking however I am able to process it and realize. Every day is always learning learning learning.

I wish you the best and at one time I was going through exactly what you are. It is soooooo hard. It takes so much time it’s easy to just hide in your room. Praying for you to get some relief.

[Starrlight in reply to Prancer500]

Thanks for sharing so many helpful insights. I appreciate you,