Feeling a lot of hate towards my creepy dad

I can NEVER get away from my dad, my dad hounds me, when I get up from the table talking to another member of my family, my dad will take my chair!!!! He's rude with a capital R. I just went outside to talk to my sister who's visiting my family's home, and here comes my dad 2 minutes later still wearing the stupid set of headphones he wears to listen to old movies on his television set, and if I try to tell him to go away then I'm looked at as being the rude one. I'm not going to mince words here. I feel no love at all towards my dad for any reason. I have a long history with him of being belittled, minimized, hit by him, and I'm so sick of him and his poisonous attitude. Now I have to live in his house because I have nowhere else to go. I can't stand to even have ANY conversation with him, we will NEVER see eye to eye on anything. There's so many times I'd love to speak up and say a lot but I don't dare. I am constantly stuffing my words inside of myself. I am the designated scapegoat and crazy person in my family, and from my point of view I feel like who WOULDN'T be going insane the way I grew up, but if I try to relate how I feel to my mom and my two younger sisters, I will just get told I'm being too dramatic and emotional and my dad's not THAT bad and just a ton of gaslighting and sweeping stuff under the rug kind of thing. This messed up situation has been going on my entire life and I can never get away from it!!!!! For a long time I had a section 8 voucher where I lived in a series of lousy apartments, that's no solution either, neither is me going to a group home or lousy room and board place- - been there, done that, those places constantly have some very messed up people moving in and out of them, people way more screwed up them me. I'm trying to figure out how once and for all I can just support myself, I haven't even worked in years, lately I was trying to work with a so called employment specialist to just get some kind of part time job, but this guy has been making me jump through hoops and he's been frustrating to try to connect with and I'm ready to say so long to him, I don't want whatever kind of help this is supposed to be. On top of all this going on is the fact that I was in a bad car accident 2 years ago and I don't have my own car anymore, I was driving with my mom for awhile but it's getting to be aggravating constantly being with her. There's just no money for anything and I'm constantly between the rock and the hard place here, I never catch a break!!!! Well, I don't expect anyone on here to have any idea of what I can do or should do. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get any better, I'm 50 years old now, I still feel like a rebel 16 year old wanting to get away from everyone in my family but knowing that without them there's just no one. No job, no car, no spouse, no kids, yes, I do feel life has cheated me. I don't know how to help myself, thought about paying a therapist to talk to, and then the therapist gets the little money I have. I'm not suicidal, but I feel such despair that I can't keep living this way. My old age looks scary, is my family just going to throw me into a terrible nursing home???!!!!!! I can't figure anything out.

[Ladybug9]

A lot of your post sounds so familiar~ Except my problem was with my mom as I only met my real dad 3 times. My mom and I were complete opposites and she had no problem sharing that she was a snob, totally the opposite of me! She would tell me I was "too nice" and say things much like your dad says to you but a bit different. She moved in with me because she was sick and I took care of her the last year or so of her life. It almost killed me too before she passed in my bedroom. I wish there was something I could do for you. I can be here for you, listen, understand, and be a support system. And there is always room at the Inn at my house!! Sending you lots of extra hugs as I can tell you really need them.

Also, what I felt for my mom? I did not like her, I did not respect her, but I loved her. I don't know how to explain it any other way. You are not alone!!! Sending love and more hugs!

[SuZQ154]

YSo glad you are posting!!! Your anger and frustration are directed toward your dad, and you have done this for a long time. I understand!! I used to do that too until I went to counseling. My counselor helped me se how to get out of my habitual victim thinking. I learned to set boundaries, own my own part, apologize for it, and not expect anything in return. It has worked! Counseling was the most significant catlyst for change, and perseverance, determination to get better in exercise, nutrition, education, and communication, and faith were secondary at first. Now they are the cornerstone of my healthier me.

Please know there is HOPE! Keep posting!