Thoughts

[Llama00]

So lately I had been in another rough patch and really depressed again. I stopped eating alot and my grandmother and mom started bugging me about it. I don't talk to them about how I feel and never will because of how they've treated me. My mom set me up a Dr appointment(call) that I didn't want and then she texted me saying "people care about me stop being so damn mean". Years and years of my family being mean to me I hated my family growing up I felt like an out cast. When my mom first found out about my depression an suicidal thoughts from my schools guidance counselor she asked me am I lying multiple times. My grandmother always has been the worst to me and growing up I even asked her does she really love me because of how I felt compared to my siblings and cousins. When I get into these super depressive moments they like to fact and act kind to me like they care so much but after a while they always go back to how they really feel which is that I'm a lazy burden. I act kind and speak to them but honestly I hate being around my entire family, I don't trust them and never will. I've been told I should forgive but I can't and won't. I told myself when I was a kid to never forgive anyone who made me hate life, I know that's not healthy but I won't change.

[JeonBee]

I can relate so much to this. Minus a few bits, this is me exactly. All I can say, is to stay strong. I know it doesn’t mean much, but me, this random stranger, is hoping for all good things for you!

[hypercat54]

I can relate to that as my family did similar to me and I always thought they hated me. I asked my mother many years later why she always shouted at me and ran me down. She looked at me and said I was trying to help you dear. I told her calmly that it didn't help in the slightest and actually had the reverse effect. That's when I understood that she had always loved me but didn't know a healthy way to show it or give love in a way I could relate to. It was nothing to do with me but her. In many ways she had a lousy upbringing too.

You don't have to forget or forgive your family but you do need to get rid of bitterness and resentment, not for their sake but for yours. When you carry such negativity round it only hurts YOU. I know you are not at the stage yet where you can really understand this or can imagine it happening but in time you will find this to be true.

No matter real or perceived wrongs there comes a point in life where you have to own the damage regardless and as an adult you will be able to so you can move forward and leave the past where it belongs. In the past. I know you are shaking your head now going 'No way' but I have been where you are and thought the same. Age has taught me differently. It will happen to you too in the years to come.