Didn’t miss the feeling

[gilded_masquerade]

At the beginning of spring, I made a post saying how I found it odd that I didn’t feel anxious nor was having any kind of episodes. Today, I had two brief panic attacks within a half hour.

Went to Timmies with my boyfriend in his car and before we could even make it to the drive thru, I began to feel anxious. He pulled into an adjoining parking spot and let me play one of my calming songs on repeat as he talked me down. After this, I felt better. We went through the drive thru and then to Giant Tiger and I felt fine.

After leaving GT, we got back into my boyfriend’s car and he asked if I wanted to go for a little drive, I said sure because I thought I was feeling better; apparently not.

We started going down a road that would eventually lead into the city (which is an hour away). We were heading into the city just going for a drive but of course, I felt the feeling creep up again so I told him I was ready to go home.

I know I’ll still have my days but I have no idea what triggered it. I have an earache and sore neck due to tension either in my shoulder or neck (still can’t figure out where) but it wasn’t because of that. My dad got hurt when trying to retrieve a toilet we had on our front lawn to be taken away but some kids decided to toss it off a nearby bridge (not seriously but I was still upset about it). I watched “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” for the first time and my boyfriend thinks I was triggered by the rape scene. I’ve also been watching crime videos on YouTube frequently as of late. I’ve been having wine the past few nights but if this was the cause why did it only effect me tonight?

Finally; my mum told me that she and my dad are heading out of town for the long weekend so I’ll be home with my disabled brother and my boyfriend, she wondered if maybe that was a cause? Although I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Unrelated but I’ve also been having nightmares for the past 6 nights in a row, starting with past experiences and then shifting into things that, once were said aloud sounded ridiculous but for some reason we’re enough to jolt me awake.

So I’m not sure what did it today, I don’t think I was thinking of anything that would’ve triggered it, I thought of it as more of my body just sprang into action but honestly who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry, just wanted to get this off my mind.

[Hidden]

I get panic attacks all the time for no reason. I've been waking from nightmares the past 3 nights as well. Its sucks and I'm sorry you have to go thru that. At least your bf is understanding and helps you thru it. I'm dealing all alone. I hope it gets better for you and I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, makes me feel like I’m back at step one sometimes even though in reality I’ve come a long way. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to as well, no one should have to deal with things like this alone 🖤

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

Mahalo, I appreciate that. But I find it hard to open up, I'm very macho and don't do feelings.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It does feel like going backwards but and i wish i could fix it i hate feeling this way.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

That’s alright, well if there’s ever a day where you feel like you need someone to talk to feel free to message me! And I know, it is very demoralizing and defeating but I think if you think about where you were and where you are now, you’ll realize how far you’ve come and how much you’ve evolved as a person

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

That is true and thank you, I appreciate it. Hope you're feeling better now.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

Anytime and yeah I do thank you!

[Marshall64]

Anything else going on in your life like work or college that might be contributing stress?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Marshall64]

I’ve actually dropped out of college twice and had to leave when I initially went due to an ex putting me in a financial problem. I live in a small rural town and I did just start a job but have only worked one shift because the boss is “trying to get everything ready” (he took over the business and is trying to revamp it to his liking) but that was almost 3-4 weeks ago. I have since called him back and he told me he hadn’t forgotten about me and that he’ll let me know when everything is good to go but he has other people (servers) already working there so I’m not sure what to think other than to look elsewhere for work :/ other than that, not much else is happening in my life.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to gilded_masquerade]

However my dad did kinda get injured yesterday. Some kids took a toilet that we were getting rid of, off our front lawn and chucked it down a nearby hill and into the river. My dad cut his hand on one of the shards and he has a bum knee. He was carrying it back up the hill (I offered to help but he’s stubborn, that’s clearly where I get it from) but we were both upset about it, me more so because my dad got hurt and although it wasn’t serious or fatal; it could’ve been worse

[Marshall64 in reply to gilded_masquerade]

Could that uncertainty about your job and concern for your father create panic attacks?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Marshall64]

It’s possible, I tried thinking about what could’ve triggered it last night but to no avail. Could’ve been a mixture of things or just could’ve been random. I was fine until I left the house which struck me as odd as I’ve been doing really well but again who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️