Do I want this?

[BetterMeToday]

Do you ever feel like on some level you need to be in pain to feel normal? Sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t know how to function or what to do if I’m not fighting for my life. Even on good days a certain uncomfortable situation might occur and I imagine having a panic attack like it’s supposed to happen. I don’t want it to but I feel like suffering has become my identity. Anybody else feel like this?

[Ladybug9]

Some people feel as though if they aren't in pain, it means they are dead. For others, they feel they deserve the pain. I hope neither is true for you! Pain is part of your life for whatever reasons, but definitely not your identity!

[BetterMeToday in reply to Ladybug9]

It’s tough to say because on one hand I don’t really feel joy and comfort and safety so without the suffering who knows. On the other hand throughout my life I’ve been made to feel less than or not good enough to deserve love. I have a lot of love in my life but it’s like I have a shield of suffering that doesn’t allow it to sink in. I’m working on not identifying with the pain. It’s just so exhausting. Thanks for your support

[Bba6 in reply to BetterMeToday]

Oh my I understand completely! I also do not feel real joy, comfort or safety. I haven't for 3years now. I have tried so hard to make things better and yet if i were to go as a new patient somewhere I would be writing the same stuff as I did 3 yrs ago. It's very difficult to accept losing 3 yrs of my life. I've lost who i was. I don't really know who i anymore. A lady in the store asked me what I like to do for fun..... I honestly didn't have an answer. I fibbed and made up a few things but I've been haunted by that event. Ive thought about it many times.

[KittenMittens22 in reply to Bba6]

I feel awkward too when people ask what I do for fun. I want to tell them fun for me would be not feeling like crap. Feeling normal would be a great day.

I do understand though with being identified by pain. On the few days I feel great and normal, it makes me feel a little weird to be in this unfamiliar place. It’s like I almost forget what it’s like to not be in some kind of turmoil.

[Bba6 in reply to KittenMittens22]

Me too! Me too! Me too!

[BetterMeToday]

I completely understand how you both feel! I have a hard time with free time. I start to panic when it’s time to relax. I use to feel like I was much more than my suffering but lately I don’t even know how to talk to people unless it’s about my issues. I hope you both find some relief and thank you for your responses.

[Hidden]

Yup read my post yesterday!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Everything has a balance I tell myself. Dark and light.

Live and hate

Peace and suffering.

Some of us are just a little more wired towards suffering side I think like a car with a factory recall

[BetterMeToday in reply to Hidden]

My brain needs a recall lol but yes, always searching for that balance. The highs and lows become exhausting and unmanageable at times. As much as I don’t want anyone to suffer it helps to know I’m not the only one. I hope you find some relief my friend.