When exactly does one decide they are done with life? Breathing is not always living.......................................................

[Myre]

I have reverted to an old, unhealthy coping mechanism; stress eating. Recently, I have been feeling even more vacant than is usual to this distorted normal I am used to. Having a discussion with my mom a while ago, I told my mom it was strangely dramatic how people comitted suicide. As long as there is breath in ones lungs, there is continuity and situation will not remain the same forever. Suffice to say, the certainity basing that idea today is not as solid as before, where I am nowhere close to contemplating suicide, I am not exactly a stranger to the prospect either.

[Theloudone]

This is all so strange. Being in quarantine. Everything is flipped upside down.

I don’t blame you for going back to stress eating. At least you have noticed that- so maybe you can at least once a day try to fight that urge

[Myre in reply to Theloudone]

As it is, I am stifling those unhealthy impulses, I am doing good. Thankyou. The quarantine is practically non existent in my place. The lockdown has been let up, nearly everyone is saying Corona's not real, not gonna test it though.

[Hidden]

I wonder what's going on with you that you're thinking like this.

[Myre in reply to Hidden]

Nothing much, besides incessant bouts of depression. I am managing fine though, thanks for your concern. The last post was a result of one of the more severe episodes. At the moment, I feel a lot better.

[Theloudone in reply to Myre]

I totally understand. It’s those moments that everything is so dark- I can’t seem to find my way out of the cloud... then when everything is better: I’m like, why the hell did I do that to my self?

Well idk, but I keep doing it.

[Myre in reply to Theloudone]

You know your last statement made me freeze a bit. You haven't done anything but care, and that causes us to worry, rumination sets in and the cycle rewinds itself, we are back at self blame. Take your short comings in stride, I don't mind being a bit wrong or silly sometimes. It must be awfully boring being so definite and put together all the time.

[ryelee]

a cliché but my psychiatrist say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whenever you feel the urge always wait until the urge passes. It always will. That is my many year's worth of experience. Seems simple but just wait it out.

[Myre in reply to ryelee]

Thanks for the input, ryelee. I actually feel so much better today. What I despise is the unpredictability of this illness, my heart always racing, dreading what's to come.

[ryelee in reply to Myre]

I know exactly what you mean. Are you on any meds? there are quite a few that can be helpful for this disease. Many are generic and very inexpensive; often less than OTC meds. I have been on meds for decades.

[Myre in reply to ryelee]

Not on meds but I am not all that keen on taking them, I haven't got a diagnosis though. If I ever were to take treatment, it would be CBT. One of the reasons being that it has proven to be more effective and my mom who right now manages all my finances won't settle for anything else.

[ryelee in reply to Myre]

As I understand it (not a doctor) I think you can use CBT and meds at the same time. I am a believer that meds work based on my experience. I know others disagree. If financial considerations are in the mix I think there are ways to get meds without expensive psychiatric consults,. maybe your GP can help.

[Myre in reply to ryelee]

Appreciate your advice; the be frank, I am scared of taking meds or seeking out treatment of any sorts. This illness is no more than a theory as everyone around me chooses to see it, an invisible ailment crafted by an attention seeking teenager with an overactive mind. Taking treatment will make it all too real and giving that it's a dog eat dog out here, the ridicule becomes real too. I'll rather they think I've got issues but nothing they can place their fingers on rather than put up with their false sympathy. Quiet is the way, it's why u am on this platform. No one close to me can know the 'depths of my despair'.

[ryelee in reply to Myre]

I get it. I felt the same way for a long time. My experience is that the longer you wait to get treatment the harder it is to improve. But understand the stigma you must be afraid of. All I can say is you have to decide in your own mind which is worse, The disease or seeking treatment. By the way it is often possible to keep treatment a secret between you and a therapist. I did for years while working in a demanding job,

[Hidden]

what finally made you stop not want to do it?

[Myre in reply to Hidden]

Great question. I really want to get back at some people. What better way than to overcome my hurdles, spurred on by the confidence of knowing i've conquered this and there's even more to achieve.

[Myre in reply to Hidden]

Minutes ago, I didn't get your question; why did suicide suddenly become an option? Cos I've been feeling like I am caught in a black space. The logic behind is there's no visible means of escape then why keep trying. Yeah, that's false. I' ve been let out of this funk for a few moments even if it's not gonna last long, regained a bit if my clarity. It's scary but these fears are a part of me now, rather than evade them, it feels much better to make friends with my demons. I've amassed some scars but they are nicked, badges to every battle I' ve fought. Sometimes you may feel like a looser, that you are not living well enough to leave a mark but you are walking aren't you despite the struggle. The gift of life, it's ours to utilize, to control, we are winners for every moment that we breathe.

[utep99]

If I understand right you stress eat. The problem with stress eating is that it is just as empty as the calories you consume. Therefore after a binge you feel just as empty or even emptier. I have wrestled with the same issue. But I present a idea you can keep or disregard as you see fit as nobody can do this for you. Also there is no store that sells it. In my darkest days what was missing was somebody to talk to that listened and understood. I found faith in God. I am able to scream into my pillow or just sit and listen. It has helped me immensely. I suggest if you are feeling this empty turn to a faith in somebody greater than yourself. He is there to listen and all you need do is realize you are not perfect (nobody is) and believe that his son came to Earth to experience what we go through. He forgives sin and tells us to look forward never back. It can make a incredible difference in your life and outlook. The choice is yours but it did help me.

[Myre in reply to utep99]

My first episode of depression, I ate so much I came to hate myself. It never made me feel better. Their days, i fear I've deviated back to it but I am gonna be mindful. Thankyou for caring.

[Bluetj]

I have been stress eating for a while & after its over I find myself looking up surgeries like liposuction etc to get rid of the excess weight. I feel like a puppy chasing my tail. I use to think about suicide but the fact that death horrifies me & I love my family to much to put them thru that is what kept me from acting on it. I can't even really cry, need to deserately. So I know how u feel. 😔😔

[Myre in reply to Bluetj]

I've schooled myself into holding back my tears, childhood was rough, there aren't a lot of people I can rely on but the thought of the useless tears they would cry at my funeral, all the times I've been dismissed as irrelevant only for me to earn some renewed importance when I am being lowered into the grave and have no use for it; yeah the thought sickens me so I am going to keep fighting this to triumph over it as I wish for everyone else in this platform. Thanks, Bluetj. Lots if love and best of wishes.

[Orzac]

Just think about what a great philosopher Emil Cioran said : is not worth the effort of committing suicide because guess what, you will going to die anyway

[Myre in reply to Orzac]

Point blank, but real true saying. Wish I had one of mine to use in crafting this reply but it's no qualms having it as simplistic as I feel at the moment. I am over the though, for now at least.