Trying to find acceptance

[Serenity541]

I find it super aggravating that I am so accepting of me being a drug addict but am so resistant and so critical of myself when it comes to having the anxiety,depression, adhd, and most of all the PTSD. I allow myself to feel so bad about myself with any of those things are triggered and most of the time I don’t even realize that is what’s going on with me when it’s happening... it’s hard for me to accept that I might forever struggle in the smallest areas because ultimately those small areas affect so much more than what one would think. I guess it was easier to accept being an addict because once the using is stopped then I’m in control again and with the other things I have no control over them and I absolutely hate it! Idk I’m just having a hard time never in my whole life have I felt ok in my own skin that’s why I turned to drugs at 12 years old I didn’t

Know how cope and getting loaded was the only thing that made all the crazyness in my head go away and it was also the only thing I had ever been good at...idk where I’m going with all this I think today I am just sad maybe even grieving for the person who I could have been had certain things not been taken from me at such a young age... I’m going to try not to dwell but I don’t want to numb them out either cuz that gets me loaded.

[Ladybug9]

The problem with self medicating with drugs is that we think the drug will cover up all the things we don't like about ourselves. But when the drugs wear off, what we hate about ourselves, is right there staring us in the face. I see exactly where you are going with your post and I understand the turmoil swirling around in your head. Before you can even begin to work on the issues at hand, you need to start by giving yourself a break and stop judging yourself! I don't know who you "could have been" but is there any reason why you can't be that person now? Stop beating yourself up. Your wings already exist. All you have to do is fly!

[Serenity541 in reply to Ladybug9]

Thank you for that. The hardest part is I’ve been to treatment so many times and have learned so much during each time I know all of the right things to do and I’m capable of doing them I’m even really good at it but then once that depression kicks in it’s like I’m more powerless to it than anything I experience it when I’m clean too I don’t know how to get around it it’s almost debilitating and I’ve struggled with it since I was a kid before I ever tried drugs. It’s almost like the up and down of when I’m using but with out the drugs I’ll have days where I’m full of positivity and energy and then it’s followed by days where I hate myself so much I physically feel sick and like I can’t get out of bed I’ve tried so many different medications and they work sometimes for a little while and then they don’t and that makes me feel crazy so I’ll quit taking which makes me crazy and sick it’s just an ugly cycle that I desperately want to break. I cant stand the way my mind and body feel day to day it affects me to the point that’s where most of my anxiety comes from is when I just have to be myself and feel things it’s puts me in like panic mode and I don’t know how to relieve it

[Ladybug9 in reply to Serenity541]

You are self sabotaging yourself for reasons only you know. For some reason we don't believe we are worth feeling"good" about ourselves and life. And when we feel that way, nothing will change. Anything we can do to help, we are here for you!

[ciley in reply to Serenity541]

I HAVE DREADFUL PROBLEMS~~SICK AS~~???

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Serenity541, Thanks for sharing. I am curious why you think those are “smallest areas”. I believe those are part of defining who we believe we are. Maybe it is because addiction is something you can see and physically do and go through the withdrawal and the others are emotional and neurological, nothing concrete.

I have not been addicted to substances, but I think my codependency and some self-harming behaviors were giving the endorphins one would get from the substances. It was really hard to push through codependency. Self-harm turned to self-sabotage, a step up, slightly.

Addiction, depression, anxiety, adhd, and PTSD all have physical and chemical changes to our brains. They are interdependent and linked to each other. You have to give yourself permission to feel those emotions and not hold them back because you see them as small areas. They are big areas. Journal, talk to a therapist, figure out tiggers, and then move through them.

Best of luck.

[ciley]

I WENT TO LOCAL A &E TODAY~TAXI DRIVER KEEPS ASKING ME FOR FARE WHICH OBV I HAD PAID !!THEY REFUSED TO TAKE ME IN~NOT QUITE 'ILL' ENOUGH GAVE ME 5X 5 MSG VAL AND MANAGED A PHONE CALL APPT WED WITH A NEW DR~I CANNOT SEE THIS WORKING OUT~WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU ARE SEVERLY ANXIOUS LIVE WITH SOMEONE DIFFICULT AND NOWHERE ELSE TO TURN~?