Today isn’t such a good day. I’m relatively new to all this therapy, discussing feelings and medication stuff. Started two years ago but I don’t have much of a voice due to high social anxiety so the process has been mind numbing slow. I keep waiting for my therapist to throw her hands up in the air and say I’m not fixable, healable. That I’m too needy or dependent.
I feel so disconnected from the world around me, life. There are good moments here and there and I know I should focus on those but it doesn’t seem enough, those moments. And they should be, they should keep me going, my children should keep me going, my husband, my friends. Yet I can’t feel that inner drive to want to live, to want to fight. I feel I could sit here and waste away, just letting go. I think most days I want too. But I know I’ll get up, I’ll run due to OCD, I’ll work because people are waiting for me, and I’ll go through the motions of life, I always do. But I don’t think I actually want to and it brings so much shame. Yet it is there and I just don’t know how to deal with that nor change it. I feel weak and unworthy of the life I was given and should be grateful for.