Trigger Warning: Do I really want to keep going?

[Runningfargal]

Hey all,

Today isn’t such a good day. I’m relatively new to all this therapy, discussing feelings and medication stuff. Started two years ago but I don’t have much of a voice due to high social anxiety so the process has been mind numbing slow. I keep waiting for my therapist to throw her hands up in the air and say I’m not fixable, healable. That I’m too needy or dependent.

I feel so disconnected from the world around me, life. There are good moments here and there and I know I should focus on those but it doesn’t seem enough, those moments. And they should be, they should keep me going, my children should keep me going, my husband, my friends. Yet I can’t feel that inner drive to want to live, to want to fight. I feel I could sit here and waste away, just letting go. I think most days I want too. But I know I’ll get up, I’ll run due to OCD, I’ll work because people are waiting for me, and I’ll go through the motions of life, I always do. But I don’t think I actually want to and it brings so much shame. Yet it is there and I just don’t know how to deal with that nor change it. I feel weak and unworthy of the life I was given and should be grateful for.

[DeadRose]

Hello.

I share so much of the same feelings. I wish I can give you a remedy to jumpstart that appreciation for life you and I feel we are supposed to have, but I haven’t found it. I have been just waiting to die because I feel like I’m already there, but my body hasn’t caught up yet. I’m thankful to Hear you have a family which helps to keep you from giving up, and OCD which keeps you pushing forward to being a better you. Maybe you have all the solutions you need?, but feeling it in your heart is something different; I know. Sending you healing.

[Runningfargal in reply to DeadRose]

I wish they were, maybe they are but I don’t see it. Most days the OCD is a curse. My family is good, I just don’t deserve them. I always feel they should have someone better. I know it’s the depression talking but it’s pretty loud lately, not a lot else gets in. Thank you for your thoughts. It helps to come here.

[Hidden]

Once you completely give up as I have, it is extremely difficult to pick yourself up again. I know how it feels to just stop everything in life. I hope you are able to find the help you need before that happens. I have had therapists & doctors give up on me or I gave up on them after not seeing any improvement.

I hope you keep pushing forward. Remember that you deserve happiness.

[Syllabus18 in reply to Hidden]

Lavender E I hope it's not like that now

[Hidden in reply to Syllabus18]

I’m new here but just posted an introduction. I have been isolated for almost a decade now. I just stopped everything & gave up.

[Syllabus18 in reply to Hidden]

I just woke up and I'm laying in bed and I was just going through the new messages on the site and my heart just sank when I read your reply what cause you to feel this way

[Runningfargal in reply to Hidden]

Thank you LavenderE. You do as well. I hope you can find some flicker of light to get you going again. It’s hard, when that light fades away, goes out. I guess then we turn to those here, maybe there is some hope, somewhere.

[JAYnLA in reply to Runningfargal]

I hate to hear how heavy you're feeling right now. So sorry. But I do want to point out that the 'light' has not gone out. It's still there. It's what got you to reach out here. Much love to you, stranger.

[quitter333]

"I feel so disconnected from the world around me, life"

You need a vision.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "You have to dig deep, deep down and ask yourself who do you want to be. Not what, but who. I’m not talking about what your parents or teachers may want you to be but figuring out who you want to be. Figure out what makes you happy, no matter how crazy it may sound to the other people. Rule number one is trust yourself no matter what anyone else thinks".

Think about something. visualize it. Then go for it. And THEN, when you are on your way - sure you will get dismotivated, you will be grinding sometimes, but you will always have a vision in front of you. And that will make you keep going.

[fauxartist]

I had left this response to your recent post you just deleted...hope it helps a bit:

If you can't talk about it, can you write about it and then share that with your therapist. Have you thought of doing some 'Art Therapy'...I don't mean just doing art work....there is actually 'Art Therapy'....which allows you to express emotions and feelings that may be otherwise difficult to verbalize. Because as long as you stay 'stuck'...you won't get any benefit from any of the therapy. You can show up, but if the willingness to change is not there, or the ability to take in whats being said....you will stay stuck. But this is not the end, it's the beginning.....finding what the key is to un-stuck your feelings.

Everyone internalizes or handles their issues their own way, and some are angry, some sad and introverted, some just numb....some do all these things....but until we get to the root of our feelings....and why we shut down or act out....nothing changes.

[Runningfargal in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for responding, I get self conscious sometimes in what i write and end up deleting thinking I sound foolish or stupid.

Thank you for what you said, I think I just need other people’s encouragement that what I’m feeling is “right” or “okay”. I keep getting thrown all these “tools” to use with CBT and DBT, but you are right and it was what I was feeling, until I get to the root cause and express the feelings that have been stuck for years, i won’t be able to use those tools.

Thank you again for you kind and encouraging response

[fauxartist in reply to Runningfargal]

It takes a long time for some of the damage to us to happen....and we live with it all our lives....it's going to take us the time it takes to help cope and get better with it. There are sadly no complete fix's....sometimes we are fragile and broken but don't know where to begin to put the pieces back together...and sometimes they just don't go back together quite how we would expect them too....we have cracks in the veneer....but that's the beauty of us too...it's what makes us unique...one of a kind....and that is the validation of us being special. You will get there....it takes what it takes....and time is not an issue....

Dont' worry about what you say or how you say it when your trying to express your feelings in your posts here....your anonymous....no judgement here...we all are here for our own reasons, and many have been judged harshly in life....this is where you are okay to share what you need to share...nobody knows you in the real world here unless you tell them who you are....

[Runningfargal in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, you have such great insight. I feel like this is an endless, dark road. Thank you for being a little bit of light along the way

[fauxartist in reply to Runningfargal]

Sometimes it does feel that way.....and I wish I could tell you it's all going to be okay, but with this disease....we just have good days and bad days....and until we start learning to accept that we just feel bad sometimes because of the disease, a chemical imbalance....there doesn't have to even be a reason to feel bad....we are lost as to why we feel bad..... there are outside influences that effect our disease as well, that's for sure.....and they are harder to cope with for us with depression.

We can have a life though....even if it's only being happisher....we can have a life worth living....believe me....but it's always going to be work. But what life isn't.