I screwed up

[Starbrush]

Trigger warning*

Well, I haven’t been on here for a very long while... today marked 7 whole months clean from any form of self harm, but today I screwed up. Because I am dealing with quite a few things I started to forcefully bite into my arms/ hands to the point I began to bleed. I just feel like I’m useless and I’ll never be able to do any of the things I actually want to in life because I’m not good enough and weak. I also feel incredibly guilty with my current state because I am so privileged to still have enough money for university/ a roof over my head and so many other things but yet, I’m so f*cking ungrateful to the point I just throw myself a fucking pity party and don’t do shit for days. I don’t even have the energy to text people anymore. I feel so worthless. I used to have people I could rely on but I’ve lost that so basically my entire support system is gone. I’m just trying to articulate it all but I can barely even express the absolute torture today has been. I was shaking so uncontrollably today I could barely walk... I’m so tired and I just want to end it all.

[zperry4]

Hey, glad you wrote something today. I'm really sorry. I haven't dealt with self-harm before, but I definitely have had some of those other feelings before. Do you want to talk at all? I think I'd definitely have a really hard time without anybody to talk to.

[Agora1]

Hi Starbrush, first of all let me congratulate you on your 7 month success in avoiding

any self harm. Today, because you are human, you slipped back for a moment. That

doesn't make you weak or worthless. You did the right thing by reaching out to us.

Don't think that there isn't one of us who hasn't slipped back from time to time.

It happens. That is why it is important to have coping skills in place so that when push

comes to shove (and it will) we are ready to be in full control.

Even if you took one step back today, that does not mean you have to continue on that

path. Going forward once again with the help of your therapist can help guide you back.

The Pity Party is over. Now it's time to focus on the positives that you met during the

last 7 months. That's the real you.

I certainly understand the feelings you experienced today that produced horrific physical

symptoms. The answer is not about ending it all but about stopping the negative thoughts

in your mind. Once you do that, you will see life a little clearer then. Don't allow this dark

passing cloud to obscure your future. We are always here for you. You are not alone xx

[zperry4 in reply to Agora1]

Ditto to all this, well said.

[Starbrush in reply to Agora1]

I needed this, I know I need to realize one step back doesn’t mean failure but... it’s really hard because no matter how hard I try I manage to screw up over and over again.

[Witsend8]

Hi lovely, you had a bad day. That's all, today is a new day. When u do a backwsrd step you feel worthless and its all nothing. Having now been through it, you learn only how to deal with it. That's the key. There's always someone to talk to, strangers often better I found. I rang the samaritans who just listen, no condemnation, just listen. I also found going to a group called mind helped me. Plus I was referred to a psychiatrist, I had to lie to h be discharged from their care to be able to do mind courses which when I did some twice helped.

You I think, had a bad day only. Its a setback, you can always move forward again lovely. You did it before and my head knows if you have support from people here, I'm one, you can and will do it again. The old saying today is another day, it's true. Lots love and no one can change yesterday, only today and tomorrow xxxxx

[SunIsShining]

Try to focus on the 7 months you avoided self harm. That is a huge accomplishment! Just because you experienced a set back doesn’t mean you’re useless or worthless, you overcame that defeated feeling you have now for 7 months! You can absolutely get to that place again

[Starbrush]

Thank you, you’re right. I can get there, and I will.