So I won't post here what I've done cause it will get taken down AGAIN (although I don't understand why this happened the first time) but I'm so fully regretful and depressed over something I did 2 days ago. I couldn't think straight.
If anyone wants to help me, PLEASE, we can talk via my email. I really need your support on this.
I beg the ones that will across this, do not take it down. I'm in a very bad place right now and nothing seems okay. 
Can you think of a different way to put yourself and what you've done across?
What do you mean? Like to say what I've done??
Is there a way you can try to undo whatever it is you have done, make reparations? Are you able to allude to it without defining it? Trying to think of an example, often I use a film or suchlike to explain just what I'm feeling.
So sorry to burst in here, but did you read her first post? Before she potentially blows up in your face, she can't undo the act unfortunately.
Hope you're well!
No, I haven't seen any other post than this one but I'm sure axaxou can only be helped if we understand the problem, the depression is linked to the act, I would have thought and she sounds as though she really needs help.
I'm a gay man by the way.
Okay, my apologies, another poster that seems to have seen your other posts used 'she' so I thought that was the case.
Of course I can't undo what I've done!
Most of us have done things in our lives that can't be undone, it's how we deal with it that's important.
Ok see, this response is exactly why I responded to English_Patient. I wanted to prepare him for unfair blow-ups.
I'm bowing out of this entire conversation now.
Don't blame you I did
You know it turned out fine, I'm a female btw hehehe, but thank you anyway.
＼(^o^)／
Oh yikes! I'm all over the place with gender, aren't I? Sorry!
No worries hehehe...
I'm not so sure what you are asking me to do, but I can't undo what I've done (of course).
People have been forgiven for actions committed in a moment where they lose control throughout time, I didn't see your original posts and want to help but in order to do so, need to understand what's making you feel the way you do and how we might offer some help.
Okay, can I private message you? If I post it here it will get taken down
I didn't even know you could private message on here, sure, go ahead.
Inappropriate private messages can be reported by who you are messaging. FYI
Don't worry, I'm the same person in private messages that I am on the main forum 
I'm so confused right now. I responded to your other post (as did many others) suggesting that you get professional help with this. If I recall, one of your responses to this was "I can't and I won't". Can I ask why not??? This sort of thing cannot be left to complete strangers to help raise you up again with. Did you read my second post before it was taken down? I sure hope so because I think you could learn from the sh*t emotions I endured. Please get the personalized help you need. It is fine to come on here for secondary support, but definitely not for primary (and especially since you're in such a bad place).
Want to know something? When I read your first post the first time, I could relate to where your mind was going. You know why? Because of my two replies to you. I thought to myself "damn, I can sure relate to that!! Maybe I can help". No I didn't do what you did, but even though this is true, sometimes different situations can bring about eerily similar shame spirals.
Okay, so seeking professional help isn't always easy. For example I don't have the money to do so and even if I had, I would have a very bad problem dealing with my emotions and expressing what I've done.
I don't think I saw your second reply, no.
Also I would like you to know that I have called many hotlines and I haven't got any real help.
It's all the same "you haven't done anything wrong, stop worrying about it".
I don't know how to deal with the situation and that's a fact.
It all may seem very confusing to you but that's how things are, sadly.
Maybe they are correct and you won't accept what they say. If many hotlines are saying the same thing?
Join a support group for gay men online or in person their usually free.
True we can only support and then the pros do the rest. If he can't and won't we've gone as far as possible with suggestions.
Well I read the other post and posted a long response. I guess it wasn’t helpful or someone posted something outside the guidelines after my post.
Soooo not sure how to respond other than if you are in a bad place, potentially a harm to yourself seek emergency help. If this was just a bad decision on your part, an experience you wish to never have again in your life, your choice is to deal with it and move past it.
You are 20? Experimenting is part of life, examples might be drinking the first time, a one night stand, or something like you did. It’s not the end of the world (being blunt and honest) but if it does seem this way to you and it’s detrimental to your well being, seek help of someone experienced in this specific type of behavior or someone to just help you get to the root of the situation of what stemmed from your actions or reactions to it so you can deal and move past it.
That's a very helpful. Seeking help is definitely needed but I cannot do it cause of the recourses here. I don't know if I make any sense anymore.
I have not read your first post but you ca message me .
You need to find a way and forgive yourself. What you did was not illegal and was consensual. So why all the guilt?People have done a lot worse in their lives.
Would you just move on if you had done the same? I'm sorry, my mind can't accept that, hence I can't move on so easily.
You really need to cool it right this minute!! All we can do is try and help. You're just putting people down for trying to build you up. So not cool, axaxou!!
Since I don't like giving up on people, I can re-type my response to you that you didn't see. I really think you ought to consider my kind offer to do this. I think you might get more out of it than you think. If not though, I will say goodbye now.
People here have judged me tbh. Not all of them though.
Sweety, I don't want to judge. I try hard not to. I care about you. Please let me in.
I am trying to help axaxou I think at this minute it maybe 247 over thinking what happened maybe making it hard to think clearly . I have said get help ... Just being there and listening ..
And bless you for that!😊
Yes, I think her over-thinking is definitely a factor here.
I'm about to leave for the day, but I will be back later. I think we all really want to help this girl; it's just such a shame that she is not allowing us to. I haven't heard one judgement from our side, have you?
Axaxou, if you're reading this: the judgement is coming from you. You are judging yourself. Trust me on this one.
I have not read the full messages as I just read a few post ... Please note like axaxou said he is a man !! It is so hard when you feel a set way to read the post the right way I have done it myself on a bad day think people are being rude so not the case. I am leaving health unlocked going crocheting . If you have gone through a different situation I am hear if you want to share.
Got it. How embarrassing. Sorry, axaxou!!
Have fun crocheting!
I am trying to crochet an owl but I start and my back is killing so have to stand and sit and crochet and do all over again so not really doing much .
How cool!! My mom knits all kinds of animals. I cross stitch all kinds of things. Would you feel comfortable posting a pictute? I will of my roses.
Okay
Okay what? Okay you want me to re-type my response?
Sorry about not catching on that you're a guy. I must say I'm a bit embarrassed now. Pleaseforgive me. I'll forgive myself if not.
I am just guessing but this may confuse axaxou the okay bit
Oh, I think he understands. But I appreciate you're message.🙂
I think we all need to calm down. I know my mind is fried (and its only afternoon!) Thanks for switching the subject to something calming! I so appreciate it!!😃
I just think to the hole story you just need to get help to move on help meaning therapy.. As I say we are not angle we make mistakes and learn from it and heal ... Heard to heal but comes with time and learning and moving on . Can I help with your fried mind always hear if you want to message me and share never no judgment
He needs to see. Therapist. If he chooses not to, that's fine but enough of us all responding of he doesn't get help. Professional!
See a Therapist
People, I'm a man!
Hey Axaxou
Give urself a break.
I dont know what u have done but aless u murdered, raped or really physically hurt someone how bad can it b...
We have all messed up... we have all experimented .. drink drugs sex. Men. Women.. that how u grow up.
I read ur 20... that so young what could u have done?
Just admit u messed up and move on.. if i felt guilty about everything i done in my 20s id b in therapy all the time
He's 20 openly and an openly gay man so I'm not sure where his guilt is coming from from having relationship with another gay man..sounds normal to me
I have depression and Obsessive compulsive disorder. I can obsess over ANYTHING. I don;t get why I get attacked here. My intentions were never to troll ANYBODY. I just wanted some support. My obsession was the huge age gap. It doesn't always have to make sense. Mental illness doesn't have to make sense. I just wanna get better, okay? I'm telling you that cause you reported me as you said.
And, lastly, I finally reached out for help.
is this about being gay or mental iIIness? Mental illness just doesn't go away you need the help of a Therapist and some cognitive behavioral therapy and possibly medication to help you with your obcessive thoughts, depression and anxiety
I have anxiety, (social, panic attacks etc..) and depression..I'm a Therapist. I get mental illness and what it's all about. I see a Therapist and a nurse for medication. I'm in a much better place.
We cannot "make it go away" however we can support you. The pro's need to help you with the rest.
I think axaxou is not in a financial position to get professional help.
There's sliding scale fees
Where he lives??? Possibly.
I have suffered with anxiety all my life im now 46 and do u know what i realised about 5-6 years ago...
Live ur life how u want to live it .. we have one life and do not live it for anyone else..
Do not make it your mission to people please just YOU PLEASE...
Dont worry about what any one says or thinks
U KNOW WHAT.. ive not suffered with anxiety since
Thank you for this. I really needed it
Hey im glad i helped ...
We are not forgiving enough with ourselves... we forgive others we love when they hurt us or upset us but we tend to hold on to that and do not let it go then we feel guilt because we feel like that..
I have learnt to not let them people do that in first place , stop it at beginning of the cycle.... so il either pull them up on what they said and say “ why u said that or what do u mean by that?” Then its been addressed or i do not allow them in my life...
I spring cleaned alot of family and friend about 6 years ago,just stopped contacting them.. as i realised after a mini breakdown it was there fault!
Honestly u wont know how much happier ur life is till u do it.
I now only surround myself with fun happy caring people that i love and they love me...
SO MUCH HAPPIER!
I reached out for help though
I am on this journey of self healing, and forgiving my self, and my life because no matter how hard we (we try to be different) in every moment we are being/doing the best that we honestly can. Please no more manifesting negativity and sadness. with time and understanding we can move on to manifesting more self forgiveness. message me if you need a friend to talk to. sending utter peace
Thank you. That's all I have to say.
Thank you.
It's just that this thing made me very depressed that led me to post in here. Seriously, I don't try to troll anybody. I don't know why many here say that. I just wanted help, maybe in the wrong place (I get it now) but I won't do it anymore.
Either way no-one can really help me, I only can help myself.
Thank you very much!!
I get what you're saying and I thank you.. but please try and I understand my situation. Those things I've posted here are most likely compulsions (confessions and asking how bad someone is are some classic compulsions). Also, as I mentioned before, I got to see a therapist. I also used some hotlines that didn't help that much tbh. Anyway thank you for your help! 
Yay, I got a thank you!!! I'm guessing that was hard for you, so I truly appreciate it. You're welcome!🙂
Nobody truly knows anyone's situation. The only person who knows is the person in that situation. The only thing outsiders can do is try their best at understanding. I felt like you were asking us to become you so we could understand. That, my friend, is not possible.
I did not know that about compulsions, so thanks for educating me on that. I don't have OCD, so I did not understand that.
Btw, how are you feeling about yourself today? Better I hope.
I am going to retype my last response to your other post. I think you really should hear what I have to say. While the situation is different, the response is eerily similar. This okay with you?
Dear axaxou,
I wanted to re-type my last response to your first post that you didn't see.
Before I share, please note that, while it was a very different situation, my response to it was so similar as to give me goosebumps. You have no idea how much I want to help you, which is why I'm sharing this. I am choosing to share on here instead of messaging you because it might help others who respond like we do to know the importance of getting help. I understand you can't afford a therapist. And you probably can't reach out to family. What about a trusted friend? The point is, you need a third party (a physical third party) who won't judge you in any way. You deserve that.
My story:
About 8 months ago I talked about something on anothe other online community I am part of. This other community is for a physical syndrome that requires treatment. Suffice it to say that my online speech came about because I felt bad for those people feeling pressured into taking a certain kind of medication (opioids). In my speech online (and since I didn't want to use the term I used when ranting to my husband -- "opiooid addicts"), I said "those so deep into opioid usage as to not be able to see another way to treat this". What I was trying to say was that there are options other than opioids to treat said physical syndrome. I gor rudeness and bullying in reaction to this. As a result, I blew up online.
How I reacted:
I was ashamed like I had never been ashamed before. I couldn't take back what I said. I put blinders up. No one could cheer me up (and I mean no one). I wouldn't allow anyone to try and cheer me up (or calm me down for that matter). I had made up my mind that what I did was so incredibly awful and totally unforgivable. I felt like scum. I felt like the worst person on the planet. I felt like I wasn't worth sh*t. I 100% believed that not even God would forgive me. I 100% hated myself. These thoughts went around and around in my head. I felt so utterly alone and thought the only thing I needed to do was end my life. I thought that that's what God wanted me to do. I could hear the cheers of people on my site upon hearing that I was no longer. That evening, my husband burst into the bathroom and saved me from choking myself with my exercise band. He had me watch a Ted talk on self-hatred, which made me feel better in that moment and for the rest of that day. It didn't stick, though. My husband went to work the next morning with instructions to call for help if I needed it. I remember sitting at the table feeling awful. My thoughts were going around and around in my head. I decided I would OD on my medications. But, and since I was really afraid of dying if I did that, I called the ambulance instead. They came and got me, my husband and therapist were called, and they met us at the hospital.
You can't tackle immense shame alone. Please talk to someone you trust.
I'm so sorry that your experience led to you feeling so bad, here's a ＼(^o^)／ for you and I hope you find the help you need.
Thank you.😊 I am. This is actually why I came into this community; I needed something to supplement the help I'm already getting.
I'm hoping axaou will see my response and know how important it is to have a physical suppprt system in times of overwhelming self-hate and shame. I couldn't help but see parallels between our reactions, even from when he did his other post (which was deleted).
Thanks again!!😊
You know for me there's a comfort in being able to talk to people that feel the same way, not that I want them to feel that way, but when I try to talk to others that aren't 'there', they look flummoxed and try to make a quick exit, can't blame them, they often don't have the skills necessary to help and are probably afraid I'll take them down with me. Often, I'll tell them to test them, shouldn't because it's unfair really. At least, from their reaction, I know where to draw the line in the sand.
I wish I could give axaxou a huge hug, I really do.
I totally agree with this I wish I could give him a axaxou a huge hug, I really do.
As axaxous some peoples messages made him 100% worse some comments where not needed we are all meant to support not judge !! I understand how hard it is though !
I've very sorry for what you've got through but I'm glad you got over it!!! Thank you very much.
They say time heals anything. It seems to be the case here too. I already feel better.
I, also, talk to my therapist and things are starting to get better. I don't feel this awful human being anymore and I've started to heal.. Again thank you and wish you the best (and Mia898 too)
Thank you!!🙂 I forgot to include that a lot of the judgements put against me came from my own mind! The judgements you are putting against yourself are from your own mind! Our minds sure do crazy things sometimes, don't they? One thing we can do is to talk back to our mind and bring it back to reality.
I'm so glad you're talking to someone (and even more so that you're feeling better)!! I'm so glad that you don't feel an awful human being because you are most definitely not!! Did we make mistakes? Most definitely. Are we bad people because of it? Heck no!! Do our mistakes show us that we're human? YES. So, you're human!!! Congratulations!!!! How's it feel?
We are all humans and humans make mistakes. The trick is to not let those mistakes define who we are.
Here's to not letting our mistakes define us.
I can't tell you how grateful I feel for reading this comment!
I still struggle cause, you know, mental illness lol, but I will eventually get so much better than it won't bother me anymore (or at least that's what I hope).
I'm so glad it helps!!
I'm here for you if you should ever need it. My inbox is always open!
Take care,
Jessica
😀😀
I admit I was confused by you and your motives at first. I probably played a part in making you feel bad. For this I am truly sorry. Human here.
Oh, I just thought of something. Have you heard the song "Human" by Rag n' Bones Man? Awesome song!
I am only 19 years your senior, btw.
Hi axaxou.
I did not see any of the prior messages. I read the current ones and I must tell you I am so glad to hear you feel better.
There is probably somebody out there that has done worse than you have doesn’t make yours any easier to deal with I myself have done something I regret deeply but I must keep it inside and deal with it my own way like yours I can’t change it I can’t fix it I just need to learn the way to deal with it
Bad Day, In A Series Of Bad Days, ALSO WELLBUTRIN SUCKS
I did a bad thing
Mother of a depressed 22 year oldI'm so sad and depressed, and there really is no help unless you have tons of money to pay for it.
I've noticed a lot of people, really a lot, are depressed rn. Maybe seasonal depression. You're not alone
