I hope you all forgive me because I think I'm hilarious when I write my titles but I am also usually exhausted and a little punch drunk from a long day.
I got scolded this morning from my psychiatrist when she called me to see how I'm liking my new antidepressant prescription. Do you remember when you were a kid and you would promise yourself that, when you grow up, you were going to eat junk food whenever you wanted, sleep in late and do what you wanted? Well, while TECHNICALLY you can, but its super frowned upon from societies higher minds. No worries, I'm just kidding, I don't sleep in late since I work an 8-5 job, I don't do want I want ALL the time and it's not a crime YET to eat too much junk food. Mostly my doc was upset with me because I take a sleep aid (Ambien XR), an antidepressant (Pristiq), an upper/concentration aid (Adderal) and I've had to increase my usual intake of Xanax due to the panic attacks I get when I have to wear a mask for work. I spent the last two months at home and rarely went out, so a mask was unnecessary but I have to wear one all day at work. I have this past trauma about being suffocated so I am still in the early stages of figuring out how to deal with the panic. I'll get it eventually, no worries.
So dear doc is worried because of this particular chemical combo, plus (this is a trust fall confession, so lay off the preaching, please) my current drinking problem. I know, I know, I KNOW....i know. I never claimed to be smart, just sarcastic. Fact is, if I didn't drink, I would not be on this site because my brain would be in a stressed induced coma.
(I wouldn't bother to seek others because let's be honest, no one really knows a person or can truly care about another. We are all driven by self interest and survival but since we were hardwired to survive by surrounding ourselves with others, "safety in numbers" so to speak, we have this built in drive and need to connect to other people. But from what I have witnessed, the truly damaging aspect of life is the people who surround you. Balancing our personal weaknesses with others strengths does holds merit but in this day in age, do we really NEED to connect deeply with our fellow humans?)
The content above between the ( ) is a sample of the thoughts I have when I am not desperately trying to distract myself with outside stimulus. So when my HIPAA certified dealer (who has never previously appeared to give a damn, even after two years of treating me) suddenly starts showing half-assed concern, it can make one pause and wonder....did she just lose a patient, get reprimanded by higher ups or forced through sensitivity/quarantine training? I'm gonna go with the latter because her words had that "new car" smell of bull to them that only newly minted Psych graduate students have. I am well aware that I need to exercise, eat probably, not drink or smoke nicotine, expand my support network, go back to my therapist, adopt puppies, live in the moment and stop and smell the roses. I'm not dumb, I just act like it in real life.
But seriously, if I could do all those things, why would I need you? I have a problem that perpetually throws me into a cycle of self abuse after every attempt at bettering myself. I am a self entitled baby who needs someone to hold my hand to do the things I'm supposed to do. I thought you knew this already, doc!
Husbands depression, adha, has ruined early Christmas with family
anyone awake? Looking for a friend and support
Feeling so miserable!!😭😭
Advice anyone please just had a huge break down
Tonight I heard my mum say I should end it all. (venting)
