March 16 was the last day I worked full time before my job shut down for the virus party. Since then I have been sequestered in my home with my teenage son and newly minted 10 year old daughter.
I am extremely fortunate because my job continued to pay me like normal despite the lack of my presence. The problem is that I worked really, REALLY hard on my skills of socializing and had built up a certain amount of immunity to the strains of interacting with my fellow humans as well as some confidence in my role and contribution there. But now, it's almost all gone.
I have been simmering in a cesspool of depression for 60ish days and been left alone with nothing but my own thoughts and opinions without the positive influence of those few people I hold dear. I have reverted back to the pathetically weak person I was 5 years ago, except I no longer have in my possession the perfect excuse for why I am so screwed up right now. FYI: that story is long and boring and totally "Jerry Springer" worthy and I feel EXTRA pathetic when I tell it, so please don't ask for details.
I have really gotten off track, what I was trying to get at is that I have finally gone back to working full time today and it didn't go well. I work at a public library and there are sooo many new policies in place that I'm overwhelmed and insecure because I am feeling so lost. I no longer know what my role is or what people expect from me. I have never really been very good at the job I was hired for but in my defense, i was honest during my interview. But since I have always known I couldn't live up to the standard expectations, I have have pushed myself to be as helpful as I can be to anyone to needs a hand. I have always forced myself to smile, to listen when i only wished they would leave me alone, to be compassionate to their problems, to be silly to make them smile, to be available to cover when a fellow coworker called in sick, to be the employee that might suck at her job but is worthwhile enough that you want her stay.
But now....i'm lost again. I don't remember what I used to do, or the tasks I was responsible for have been stopped for the time being. I'm supposed to wear a mask around everyone and since I stayed home and didn't go out I am not used to wearing it. Found out today that wearing one feels as if someone is slowly suffocating you.............omg....that's why I panicked. That's why i started to freak out......
I need to process this but I don't want to delete all this post since I've been typing and erasing for over an hour so I'm gonna post unfinished.