New Year and Confused

I was really hoping to get a fresh start to the new year by quitting my job and starting fresh, but once again I've talked myself out of it. I haven't been at this job a full year so it feels like I should stay, but I genuinely want to die everytime I think about it. Everytime my supervisor messages me I get an anxiety or full blown panic attack, and I get maybe an hour of sleep because I can't stop thinking about things I probably messed up.

I feel like I have no support in this job. I got no training, started as an intern and then got hired full time. As an intern I did almost nothing, now I'm on the biggest 3 clients with little guidance on what is expected of me or how anything here works. I'm usually ok with learning on the job and working independently but I feel like I have no clue what's happening. When I'm uncertain I try to ask my supervisor for help and he often says he either doesn't know because that used to be the role of the last girl in this position, or that what I'm doing is probably fine. Then weeks later I find out it's not fine and I'm expected to fix it within days, if not hours. It's so stressful, but I feel like it's just me and I'm just too dumb to have a job. And the more stressed I get , the more my brain stops working. Lately I can't remember what was discussed, what my notes mean, or what my deadlines are.

What if it's not the job though. What if I'm just lazy and bad at being employed. What if I quit without a job lined up and I can no longer afford my bills. This job is the main reason I've become super suicidal but what if I'm just being dramatic. I'm losing it. My brain is so broken haha.

[Hidden]

Hi Happy New Year. It could be the job itself. It is stressing you so much already. Your not productive and your not happy there anymore. But it's another stress to resign without another way of earning money to pay for the bills.

Maybe you need a vacation for a while. Time to forget about work for a while. Have moment to think peacefully.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yeah we got some time off for the holidays during which I was finally starting to slowly feel like myself again, but now that I know I have to go back next week I can feel myself spiralling again. I had decided I would stick with the job until I found a backup but now that I'm getting ready to go back it feels so daunting.

Thanks for the wishes by the way, happy new year to you too! Hope you're having a good week.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. Yeah, I don't feel like going to work either. But I have to.

[BlueSky125]

What type of work are you doing? It’s seem strange that the person overseeing you doesn’t know what your suppose to be doing. What’s an example of something you did that you later found out was wrong. Sounds like a very poorly run company.

[Hidden in reply to BlueSky125]

I work for a small marketing agency, I didn't specialize in marketing so a lot of stuff is new to me. I can't be too specific with my example since I deal with a lot of private brand information. An example would be we had certain information we needed to send to web developers for a contest for client, and I told him I didn't know if the information I had was correct/complete. I tried to show him, but he said he didn't know if that was the complete list because he didn't handle this part of the campaign last time, but it should be fine if that's what the previous girl in my position had given me. He didn't really bother looking closely, and never does. So I sent it to the developers as he instructed me to do. Today the contest website is live and at 7pm I was told the list I had sent was incomplete, and I need to find the full list. I have no clue who has the full list so now at 9pm I'm contacting a bunch of different people trying to piece together who has what.

A more annoying example is how for the same contest he kept finding errors in the website translations. I had tried to share the translations with him last month since he is the only one on our team who speaks Cantonese and Mandarin. Last week he told me the translations were incomplete and we would just have to move forward with them. He framed it to be my fault and the fault of the girl who was previously in my position for not checking. But I had brought it to his attention from the beginning that I had no way of confirming Chinese translations, and I think it's unreasonable to expect the other girl to proof them because she isn't on our team anymore and already has a crazy pile of work.

Remembering this brings back a lot of anxiety which makes me feel really weak and dumb. I should be able to handle these kinds of things. To be clear I don't think my supervisor is a bad person, I just don't think he understands the struggles I am facing even when I try to point them out.

[sweetiepye]

First thing to realize is no one who thinks about suicide is being dramatic . This is something you need to talk about with a professional. It sounds very much like your supervisor isn't doing his/her job and because of this you are being over whelmed by work. What do you think would happen if you let this person know how you feel. Say that you can't continue this way and your either need more guidance or a different job. I imagine you will find another job because you are so accountable. many people would take advantage of the situation and slack off. Don't give up on yourself. Pam

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Wow. Thank you. Somehow the word accountable has made me feel a lot better. I feel like I've just been whining this whole time, but you kind of made me feel like other employers would actually see some of what I've felt was weakness as a strength of sorts.

Deep down I know my depression brain is twisting my reality again, but it's hard not to believe it sometimes. I always feel like I'm taking my health stuff, like I've somehow tricked everyone including doctors into thinking I'm depressed. That's why I'm reaching out here for a change, I really appreciate everyone helping me see reality a bit. Just everyone telling me it really is the work environment and supervisor, not just me throwing a temper tantrum, is so comforting. Thanks Pam.

[sweetiepye in reply to Hidden]

You' re very welcome. Mr. Zee makes a good pointe too. You just needed a little back up.

[MrZee]

Dear backtohappy,

What strikes me on a real positive note is that you started there as an intern and then got hired full time. That sounds to me that they were quite satisfied with your work to bring you on full time.

Hey, we’re all our worst critics.

I know because my job is an Administrative Assistant at the local community college. When I interviewed for the position I had experience with most of the qualifications required....but not all of them. Yet they took the risk and hired me. When I began my job I walked into a mess not even knowing how the department operates. The person that had the job before me left so I had no training. I felt so lost and inadequate. I was left to figure it all out on my own.

Oh how I can empathize with those nights at home with the fear and anxiety that I’d never learn the job and would disappoint and finally get fired.

But that’s not what happened. I took the plunge and trained myself. Sure I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Yet I learned it. Now after being on the job 2 1/2 years I love what I do and get along great with the department. Sure challenges persist, but my determination got me to learn and enjoy my job.

I realize your job has it’s challenges but maybe perhaps trying to give yourself some more credit and self appreciation can help it improve. Easier said than done... but it is doable.

I wish you the best,

-MZ

[Hidden in reply to MrZee]

Thank you, it is nice to know others feel this anxiety. From the outside it looks like everyone just falls into the job so easily. This is my first industry job after graduating college, so that's another source of anxiety. I don't want people to think I'm a lazy millenial or don't have practical skills. I know I could do a really good job, I just feel like I can't get my brain and body to do what I know I can. Don't know if that makes sense.

[MrZee in reply to Hidden]

It makes complete sense what you’re saying.

I’ve worked many jobs over the past 40+ years. And every single job I’ve had, I’ve felt the “new one on the job jitters” (anxiety). And here’s what I have learned: *Everyone* feels that deep rooted anxiety during their first few weeks/months on the job.

Just for some perspective, imagine one who gets hired as a new President for a large company. They have their many responsibilities along with hundreds of other employees reporting to them. On top of that, the success of the company lies in that person’s hands. Can you even imagine the pressures, fears, and anxieties they must feel coming on board and then having to prove their vocational worth?

Yes, *everyone* feels job anxiety especially when they’re still getting to know their new job.

Remember, you were an intern that was hired as a permanent. And that speaks volumes in your favor.

Best,

-MZ