Well....that could have gone better

[SarcasmIsFun]

March 16 was the last day I worked full time before my job shut down for the virus party. Since then I have been sequestered in my home with my teenage son and newly minted 10 year old daughter.

I am extremely fortunate because my job continued to pay me like normal despite the lack of my presence. The problem is that I worked really, REALLY hard on my skills of socializing and had built up a certain amount of immunity to the strains of interacting with my fellow humans as well as some confidence in my role and contribution there. But now, it's almost all gone.

I have been simmering in a cesspool of depression for 60ish days and been left alone with nothing but my own thoughts and opinions without the positive influence of those few people I hold dear. I have reverted back to the pathetically weak person I was 5 years ago, except I no longer have in my possession the perfect excuse for why I am so screwed up right now. FYI: that story is long and boring and totally "Jerry Springer" worthy and I feel EXTRA pathetic when I tell it, so please don't ask for details.

I have really gotten off track, what I was trying to get at is that I have finally gone back to working full time today and it didn't go well. I work at a public library and there are sooo many new policies in place that I'm overwhelmed and insecure because I am feeling so lost. I no longer know what my role is or what people expect from me. I have never really been very good at the job I was hired for but in my defense, i was honest during my interview. But since I have always known I couldn't live up to the standard expectations, I have have pushed myself to be as helpful as I can be to anyone to needs a hand. I have always forced myself to smile, to listen when i only wished they would leave me alone, to be compassionate to their problems, to be silly to make them smile, to be available to cover when a fellow coworker called in sick, to be the employee that might suck at her job but is worthwhile enough that you want her stay.

But now....i'm lost again. I don't remember what I used to do, or the tasks I was responsible for have been stopped for the time being. I'm supposed to wear a mask around everyone and since I stayed home and didn't go out I am not used to wearing it. Found out today that wearing one feels as if someone is slowly suffocating you.............omg....that's why I panicked. That's why i started to freak out......

I need to process this but I don't want to delete all this post since I've been typing and erasing for over an hour so I'm gonna post unfinished.

[Msteacher]

You know what to do. You just listed it all. 😊 You've got this. If you had it figured out before, chances are you are going to get there again. All is not lost. I totally get the face mask though. That crap makes me anxious too. Makes me feel like I'll pass out. It's ok that you panicked. Don't punish yourself. Reassure yourself that it's going to be a rocky start but you will get back to some kind of normal if you keep plugging away at it.

[Trevor2]

I understand about having done a lot of work on improving yourself over the last few years and then feeling like all of that is lost. I had just really made some big steps on improving my social life and then all this hit.

I felt/feel like that's all gone and won't come back. But, the logical part of me knows that's not true. The work I put in recently will help me bounce back. It's going to take longer than I want but it might also make me try even harder.