It's my feelings, and I'll cry if I want to.....

[SarcasmIsFun]

Holidays... the word is a jinx in my world and I hate them. ALL of them.

Yeah, sure, i hate the fact they have been commercialized but I'm a material person, so, whatever. Who doesn't like stuff?

What bothers me is the social aspect of holidays. The TV shows, movies, commercials, Instagrams, Facebook, *insert whatever bull**** social media platform you want*, showing friends, family, neighbors, that strangely clean "homeless" person you found on the street, celebrating a joyous occasion with matching tableware and creative family games.

How am I supposed to live up to that hype? I won't! you can't make me. *stamp foot like a toddler* So, like the bad mother I am, I have kept my kids expectations low and only do the very bare minimum during these special occasions. Don't worry, gifts are given and love is distributed equally. But board games are FORBIDDEN because blood shed does not make a holiday!

And yet, I find myself a hypocrite this past Sunday on mothers day because my mother, who I have always been very close to, lied to me and said she would be out when I asked if it would be ok to drop off her mothers day gift at a certain time. It's the age of COVID-19 and I wasn't going to get close to her, I just wanted to give her the gift I got her and I had told her I was going to come over the day before. I checked with her in the early afternoon and held off coming over because she said she would text me when she got back...but she never did. Later I was talking to my sister and she was concerned so she contacted my mothers boyfriend and that is when I found out she lied to me.

I am a single mother and my kids are too young to do anything for me, so the day ended like every other day, with the exception that I cried a little. No big deal. I'm a big girl. I even made plans to spend the next day with my sister in a late attempt to do SOMETHING for mothers day. But that also didn't work out because she was tired when I came over and it took three hours for her to rouse herself enough to really spend any time with me. My sister is wonderful and the only thing that bothered me was that I had bothered her while she was so tired and I know the struggle of trying to wake up when you are so tired. But she did it for me and right when she became awake enough my daughter decided she wanted to go home and made life miserable until she got her way. It was really just bad timing but I selfishly needed this time to connect with someone and it was ruined.

So we went home and I ended up crying for 2 hours. That really ugly crying that you can't control because it's been pulled up from that primal part of you that came from back in the day before wheels were invented.

Anyway, there is absolutely no point to this post other than the vague feeling of comfort that comes from sharing something with other breathing human beings.