I got married

[Minnie238]

I just figured out why I have anxiety! I got married 13 years ago. I started to have anxiety right after that. I couldn’t even live with my new husband. He has caused me more and more anxiety! Why?

[Mary-intussuception]

I don't understand.

If you couldn't live with him why did you marry him?

Are you still married - but living apart?

Do you want to end the marriage?

Do you blame your marriage as the sole reason for your anxiety?

Marriage is voluntary - living separately for many years surely means you can arrange to end the marriage.

EDIT:

I just read your previous post from 5 days ago.

You live with your husband and children. I don't understand why you say it's his house because he owns it. Over here you would both equally own the house unless there had been some pre-nuptial agreement or some other arrangement put in place.

Sorry for what you are going through. It's really tough for you. Heightened by all being home together more than usual. Only you can decide the best way forward for you and the children.

Always remember that you are Precious.

It sometimes helps to remember that it takes two to argue. But it must be so difficult not being able to afford the repairs. Is there any charitable organisation that might help with the repairs ?

I think I might choose to keep things as calm & quiet as possible for the children's sake.

[hypercat54 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Just what I was thinking too. x

[Mary-intussuception in reply to hypercat54]

Hi

I've just edited my post having read previous post from 5 days ago.

xx

[hypercat54 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Ah I see now. Ta x

[Minnie238]

I just should have never married him. It was a bad sign right off. I felt pressure bc my mom wanted me to have children. She said I was getting old.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Minnie238]

Have only just seen this reply. As you didn't reply to me, I didn't get a notification.

It's up to you what you do. Only you can decide.

Whether you

a) want to put the past behind you and work at your marriage - or

b) take steps to part or

c) agree to end the marriage but stay living in the same house so you can both be there for the children.

Whatever you do it's far better if it's amicable.

If you carry on regretting getting married and resenting him , daily life will remain very difficult, stressful.

Living at peace with each other (whether together, under the same roof though not as a couple, or separately ) would be better for you and the children.

Could you let go of the past, accept you can't change that now - and move forward from this?

[Minnie238 in reply to Mary-intussuception]

I try all the time to let go. It is very hard when someone ignores you daily. I don’t want him to set an example to my son. I don’t want my son to grow-up treating women so horrible. He yells at his mom. We all have witnessed it. That is not the model I want my son to learn from. Yes... it is his father. I am working on giving my children a positive family life. A positive family includes talking with each other, eating dinner on time at the dinner table, not laying on the couch sleeping and watching tv all day.

The kids have this when we leave this house. We go visiting different places. We have fun! His answer is always “No!” to the kids.

I am moving towards a resolution. I know it will be an uphill battle. He has told me that he will make me play before. He will fight me every single way. I am ready to fight for a healthier life for my kids.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Minnie238]

You are so brave.

God Bless x

[NoNo19]

Every time I get married my anxiety (amongst other things) is through the roof! This last one really did me in. 2 marriages down, I don't think I would want to try again, smh.

Totally understandable. 😉

[Minnie238]

Thank you! I think if he loved me I would be different. If he was understanding of my mental health, I would be better. When I had an anxiety attack, he told me to leave! He has no compassion!

[HealthAnxietyGuy in reply to Minnie238]

I was married to someone with no empathy and left me due to my panic attacks and didn't understand at all. There's way more details than what I'm giving you, however, she was really horrible to me and never understood. Now that I've found a solution finally after years of suffering I am much better now. Someone who cares and has empathy would not treat others this way. It usually means all they truly care about is themselves sadly.

[Minnie238 in reply to HealthAnxietyGuy]

I am glad to hear you are better!

[Sostakovic]

Must be because you two do not love each other. How can you expect understanding from someone who does not love you? And you do not love him, either. That is a very unhealthy situation for you and the children as well. It is up to you to find a solution, but do not expect anyone else to solve it for you .

[Ubud2021]

Wow. Interesting cause and effect! As I’ve had this happen before, not marriage, a relationship.

I had come down to these conclusions.

I wasn’t happy with my own self. I was insecure (even though I did not feel as if I was at the time. I thought I had pretty good confidence.) I personally wasn’t being self aware of my own emotions.

I have a fear of being rejected/hurt/criticized by others. At the time, I didn’t think this fear was this severe. But after I got help, I realized how severe it was. I feared he was criticizing me. Maybe over my mental health issues (although he had some, he’d never admit to them or get help. He doesn’t believe in that kind of thing. Or mental health struggles for that matter.) or how I use my hands while in conversation, or how I sleep, and so on. I feared he was going to hurt me. (In ways of emotionally/mentally/spiritually) maybe thinking he might cheat, he might disappear, one day he’d look at me doing something I do on a day to day basis and not want to be with me anymore. -anything to be hurt. And of course the fear of rejection from him. I think these 3 fears tie together nicely. -and, I had met many of his friends, while having these fears, and that didn’t help either.

Also, I lived alone before he moved back to the state. (We’d been together once before in my teens.) and stayed friends for 8 years, we’d take a plane ride and visit each other during this time, and so on. Then we finally got back together again, when he visited my state. - As I was saying, I lived alone. And we were just together all the time. I’m a very private person. I mean, no, I have nothing to hide, but I love my privacy and my own space.

I am a natural introvert, the way I recharge is spending time alone. But, there really was never of that with our relationship. If I’m not getting what I need from myself, like recharging in a way that’s best for me, how can I keep my anxiety low? Ya know? I need time to just be alone!!

Anyway- I hope this helps you better understand your question, and helps you think about your own reasonings. Take care 💕

[Minnie238]

Thank you for sharing your story! I am an introvert also. It is hard since I have kids. I cannot retreat to somewhere by myself. My kids are always looking for me. I love my kids. They are why I am fighting to get better.

[HealthAnxietyGuy in reply to Minnie238]

Have a look into probiotics, it should help you as it did very much for me. It may be a certain strain you may need. If you can look at some of my replies to others you'll see the information on the probiotics.

[Minnie238 in reply to HealthAnxietyGuy]

Thank you for sharing!

[Ubud2021 in reply to Minnie238]

Ahh, yes that must be difficult to find some way to recharge. I’m glad you are trying to get better!! Not only for yourself, but for them as well. There is a funny shirt that says “RUN- like your kids are looking for you.” Haha what you have said in your reply just made me think of that shirt.

Hope all goes well! 💕

[Minnie238 in reply to Ubud2021]

That is funny!!😂

[admirablesloth]

I understand what you’re going through, Minnie. I was in a five year relationship, lived with him for 4, and it was toxic. He had a lot of demons that he took out on me (my reactions to that were never positive) and I started dating him when I was 17 so my life revolved around him. I couldn’t picture a life without him no matter how unhappy I was, but I just recently decided to move on. It’s been hell, but BELIEVE ME it’s worth the peace. It’s worth being solely responsible for how you feel, and being able to give yourself the attention you’ve been directing towards somebody else. It’s worth being able to put all that energy you put into someone who is draining you, into yourself. If you’re not happy, I would sit down with yourself and reflect on what will, even if it means making what seems like an impossible decision now, but one you will endlessly thank yourself for later. ❤️

[Minnie238 in reply to admirablesloth]

I am so glad to hear you found peace. Thank you for the words of encouragement! I know there will be peace in my life eventually. I also know he won’t be in the picture either.