Anxiety and Depression Support
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Married with children

Why do I feel like I’m being greedy and ungrateful!!! I finally have my own little family with my twin babies and a husband that “loves” me. I’m going insane and feel like I’m falling into depression. Since my twins were born my marriage has taken a back seat and I don’t think I can give much more. We have zero intimacy, communication we have nothing. It’s makes me so very sad bc I need to feel loved and need paying attention to. How’s it possible to only be married 2yrs have 2 beautiful babies and now can’t even stand each other.

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Hi Luna,

I don't have any kids ( Can't) but I have been around enough friends who have had them to know that it is exhausting! Yes, you love them more than life itself, but it is absolutely knackering to have 1 let alone 2 and a relationship to run whilst you are sleeping whilst standing. You have nothing to feel bad about! This is trying time for everyone involved and I wish people would stop portraying a perfect life when we all know Chaos is happening behind closed doors. You cannot maintain some sort of rosy, home made lemonade and perfect make-up kind of life with new babies, let alone a meaningful relationship and a sex-life. You have to help each other here. You have to be able to come together as two adults who BOTH have had children and agree on a sharing of this job and the exhaustion that comes with it. I would also recommend to maybe just re-evaluate what is important now and what life and happiness looks like now that the 2 babies are in the world. I don't think looking back and wanting things to "go back to normal" is the right way. You have to invent a new "normal" and new ways of finding your moment of breathing and relaxation. Take all the help you can from family and friends. I don;t think there is any shame in wanting to have a few hours off the mommy train and just be a woman and a wife, same for your husband. There are no right answers here and you will have to do what feels right for you and the family. If you feel like there is more to it, like you are drowning or really having some dark thoughts, please tell your GP. You may need some help to get your emotions under control and have a chance to think straight. I am sure other parents on here will be able to give you a more first hand experience of the emotions you can go through after birth, but in any case, if you are struggling, talk to your Husband and go see your doctor. They won't be surprised and will help. Big Hugs x

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Thank you so much for that. He discussed going to marriage counseling but haven’t heard anything more. Unfortunately he does not want me to go alone as he thinks bc of my state of mind I might cheat on him. Looking out for himself more than me of course. I’m very aware that I need help and know I should get it.

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Oh dear! It sounds like he is not helping... Suspecting you to cheat is a very ugly way to make you feel guilty and pressurised for HIS insecurities. You are going to the doctor! He needs to deal with his own issues as I wouldn't say it is normal to say something like that to anyone who is clearly under a lot of stress already and certainly not to someone you love! If he is not helping, you still have to do what's best for YOU. I am still a bit mind blown that he is keeping you from going to get help because he thinks your "state of mind" will make you cheat on him? sorry, it just makes no sense! does he even know anything about what you are going through? He is being ridiculous and childish, just go anyway, he will have to learn. Take Care!

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Hi luna it maybe your suffering with post natal depression please see your doctor to confirm or rule this out ! Your in no way greedy or ungrateful its not wrong to need some help especially with twins ! Have you discussed how you are feeling with your husband would councilling help you both talking out your feeling rather than burying it at the back of your mind ! Please see you doctor soon the sooner the better ! Take care and good luck !

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I did see my doctor and she said I desperately need to see someone but he doesn’t trust my vulnerable state and feels I might say too much or possibly cheat on him.

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having baby's does not do much for intimacy as they are of constant need. I really would ask your partner if they want to go to counselling together so that the two of you can figure out how to start lines of communication so the two of you can start expressing each others needs. Friends of mine started the date night once a week, seems to help, they have a sitter and go out together.

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I wish it was that easy to rekindle our marriage. We’ve tried the date night but we are two different people now and it was just awkward since we have nothing to talk about just our babies

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It will be awkward for a while but you gotta ride it out. Keep trying

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All marriages need up keep or maintaining. Like anything it will break down over time. If you have told him how you feel and have not seen any improvement then I'd suggest a counselor to help you both identify the issues and help you both to communicate better which will improve things a lot. I've been there myself many times. Good luck I hope he finds your marriage worth working on and improving things with you for the sake of your family❤

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It's absolutely possible, and common!!! postpartum.net/ Please utilize this site. It's extremely common for mood changes after having kids and it impacts mom and dad. They have a warm line you can call too. 1-800-944-4773

Hope that helps!!

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Maybe you have Post Partum Depression? Please seek help for that. I have been there, done that. BTW PPD can last well into your child's toddler years. A lot of ppl will not tell you that but it is true. I am in a loveless marriage as well. Absolutely ZERO intimacy. For YEARS. Maybe go to couples counseling or sit down and have a good talk with your husband about how you feel, if you can't face him, write him a note, text, or email. You deserve to be loved. I have a beautiful baby too, although she is not a baby anymore; she will be 13 this August! I am in my 2nd marriage, been divorced before. Keep going for your babies!! You just need to find out where you and your husband stand. Then you can go on from there. But you need to know (and you deserve to know) what is going on. Having kids changes everything. Maybe your husband is dealing with the change in a different way than you are. Just find out. You deserve the clarity. Hope this helps! Smiles!

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