I hesitate to write

[Starrlight]

because it’s hard to share my inner self, to explain how my heart aches and I don’t know why and it feels so vulnerable. Because maybe people wont get me and think how strange she is. And because I don’t know what it is that I need. Maybe all I need is to believe I am enough and am doing all the best I can. Only how do I truly believe; maybe it’s to be believed at another time. Maybe now I am not enough awake.

Agony is here with me right now. I worry so. I’m unsettled. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Hurt. I keep making the same mistakes. I experience a fight with an unquiet mind in which I can picture its noise flowing down a river but it always comes back to me.

Like glass, life is breakable. And the beauty in life I find it hurts now. Feeling I am breaking apart emotionally mentally physically spiritually.

I think of an animal that wants to find the shelter of bushes to crawl under to die in to get to peace.

Thanks to whoever reads and does not judge me.

[jkl5500]

I have no interest in judging you. You simply want to feel better so badly, but the good feelings don't always come.

I agree with using glass as a metaphor. I have often felt like I had a head full of broken glass when my nerves were on edge. And it happens so many times. You just grow weary.

But that's what we're here for. We need to lean on each other and cheer each other up. Sure, we need to vent sometimes. Just get it out, and keep moving forward.

I'm sure you're doing the best you can, for yourself and your kids. None of us chose to have these illnesses. Who would choose to do that? We're plugging along and doing our best despite the burdens we all bear.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Starrlight in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you Jkl5500

[bridder01]

No judgement here either Starrlight. We all have our own personal journeys. Personally, I accept you for you, good and bad. You are not alone on this journey. We are all with you and I'll help any way I can. If you ever want to talk, my door is always open

Your friend,

Brian

[Starrlight in reply to bridder01]

Thanks Brian

[hurtingheart1]

Definetly no judgement here!! I feel for you and appreciate that you shared your true feelings and also in a beautiful expressive and in a poetic way!! you seem like a creative, sensitive type person & that's beautiful!! So love yourself for that!!👏👏💜🌻💜😊Maybe you should write more, hopefully it can be therapeutic to you I try things like this for myself as well to express thoughts feelings and emotions through music,dance art, writing and trying to help others however I may be able to!!

[Starrlight in reply to hurtingheart1]

Thank you hurtingheart1💕

[mrmonk]

Reading this, my heart hurts for you, Starrlight; your pain is palpable. As usual I'm at a loss as to what to say, so I've been searching around to find a poem that might comfort you. In one of the ebook poetry collections on my computer, I came across a poem by one of my favorite poets, Elizabeth Jennings. I couldn't format it properly here, so I posted it in a different thread:

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

I don't know if the words will soothe, but I hope your pain subsides soon and you can start to heal. Take care.

[Starrlight in reply to mrmonk]

It is so beautiful and I am so happy to have you as a friend. I do feel less alone and I really appreciate the care and of learning of a new great poet. Thank you.

[mrmonk in reply to Starrlight]

I'm so grateful you consider me a friend, Starrlight. I'm terribly isolated right now, and I struggle to make friends online, so thank you for allowing me to be one to you.

And no thanks needed for the poem; you're always welcome.

[Starrlight in reply to mrmonk]

((((((((MrMonk))))))))

[Hidden]

Hello starlight.

Thank you for sharing.

No judgement here..

Just some pretty flowers and wishes for some peace for you.

🌹🌻🌹🌻🌹🌻🌹🌻

Xxx

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

❤️ 💕 💗

[Starrlight in reply to Starrlight]

How u r doing today Olivia? Sending good vibes((((((

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you for the vibes starlight 😊

I’m wishing the weekend away ....😩

To some that maybe silly I know...but to me the holiday weekend is a trigger in different ways...

I’m hoping I feel better when I don’t feel as trapped after the weekend...

I hope you are ok 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Thank you for those good vibes , always appreciated x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Not silly. I wish the weekend away with you then. Have a happy Monday I hope. I am okay right now, thank you. 😃

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

🌺🌻🌺🌻🌺 x

[Vonnah]

I feel exactly the same. I wish i had a friend....

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

💕

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

Are you a writer? Poet? I don't write as much as i used to unfortunately but it was a tremendous help to me. Expressing yourself is so important and i think your doing awesome so far. It's hard, i said i feel the same way.

For me, it's difficult to start talking because I've had so much stuff buried deep down and has never been talked about. Not because of my choice, because i never had ANYONE to emotionally give a crap about me or connect to. Its just hard to start the conversation at first. But once i keep going and see the other person's attention is on me and they seem like they care (no one ever has), i get into it and let go and start talking.

Sad thing is i hate it because so far everytime i did let go and talk, that person was never around to ask me the next day or week or month or year something as simple as "how are you feeling today? Feel any better?" it's pathetic. Makes me wanna give up on letting people in if no one cares about my life and it's so called worth.

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

I like to write. I’m angry right now so I was just thinking maybe I will write. I’m glad writing had been helpful to you. Maybe it will be again.

I’m so sorry you haven’t had anyone to connect to. You can write right here all you want. I care about you and I’m a good listener.

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

I'm sorry your angry and hope you feel much better soon. Hope anything you find helps you. Thanks. It makes me feel happy to know you care about me. I don't hear that ever.

[Hidden in reply to Vonnah]

Sending some peaceful wishes to you Vonnah. 💕

[Vonnah in reply to Hidden]

Thank you☺ your so sweet and kind😊👋

[Hidden in reply to Vonnah]

🌹🌹🌹

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Sending some peaceful wishes to you starlight 💕

[Starrlight]

Thanks I will sleep it off. It’s true I really care about you and look forward to getting to know you better. 😊

[lovedogs51511]

Hiya my friend! Hugs to you!!! Your a beautiful person starrlight. I think your a great friend, a really caring person and sounds like you do wonderful as a loving mom to your kids! Just remember that ok. I understand that pain. God loves us as we are. I understand that feeling of breaking apart mentally, physicalky and spiritually. Your not alone ok. Lots of ppl care about you! I'm always here if you need a friend 💝😀😎

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Thanks for sharing your caring heart with me and for the encouragement. You are a great friend! Sometimes like today I feel guilty for not being my best for not feeling like sunshine but I do try my best as a mom and in general but tend to get down on myself for things I have trouble doing. I am working on acceptance; accepting self with flaws not waiting until I get better.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Hiya I think we are all hard on ourselves when we should think kind thoughts saying no we are bad when are all beautiful souls on here! I thank you very much as you've always been a great friend too and always have nice things and great advice. Only a caring and genuine person can do that! I don't want you to be hard on yourself cause you truly are a very caring person to everyone! We all love ya ok!!! You rock sista!!! 😀😎😊

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Thanks I think my goal for the day will be compassionate toward myself. Someone in my life really set me off this morning so trying to forgive and not take offense and move along.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Compassionate to ourselves is probably what we're all needing to do. I just looked in the mirror while coloring my hair and was absolutely disgusted by what was looking back at me. I just kept saying your a good person and if ppl hate me for what I look like than I wouldn't want to know those type of ppl anyways!! So try and fight those negative thoughts and say to yourself starrlight I'm a great person in and out, your a caring friend and such a wonderful mom to my kids!!! Cause that's the truth😀😎

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Good job Lovedogs! I like how you spoke to yourself. I will use positive self talk too. I didn’t do anything to deserve the treatment I got this morning plus I am a sensitive person but I’m okay and these things happen and we move on.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Absolutely!!!! 😀😎😊

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Its so hard to believe those things cause I know I look like a freak but all I can do is try and say good things. When I was out with my mom this lady was only speaking directly to her only but it was my new bank account. I felt less than human again. Shed look at her and say what I should do but only talked to my mom. Same thing at the DMV. The ppl were completely rude to me. These 2 women next to us looked back at me and stared me down with looks of God your an ugly person. They would turn around and do it again. That's why I feel so bad everyday and the anxiety is so crippling. Right now I can't leave the condo. They made me feel so bad!## I gotta go wash out this hair color!!

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

I’m so sorry the people were rude to you. You don’t look like a freak. I’m sorry you can’t leave the condo right now. What color are you dying your hair?

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

I cannot believe what happened. I used the natural blonde I've used for a long time. Its been changed and now I've got a much blonder hair. Omg! Now I really really can't leave the condo!!! Plus my hair is full of spit ends and looks more horrific!!! I want to die starrlight!!! It was a cream instead of what it used to be, said to leave in 45 minutes but I washed,it out after 30 minutes. My bangs don't hang down right. Omg what have I done.

Those ppl are what I have dealt with all of my life. I hope you can understand why my anxiety is so crippling!!! Everybody treats me just like that day after day. So I know I look like a freak cause it is true!!! I feel so low. I will not go out now. Just hurts.

[Starrlight]

Are you sure all those people are really looking at you in a mean way? It’s not that I don’t believe you not st all... I used to think the same that everyone was hating me giving dirty looks that I ran into but when my mood is good I don’t notice it and don’t care. Maybe their faces are just mean looking? Why would they bother staring so rudely? Most people won’t take notice to strangers they are too busy with their own stuff. I’m so sorry your anxiety is so crippling and the depression has you feeling so low ...I understand as I had isolated most of the winter away I just couldn’t face the world. So sorry your coloring didn’t work the way you wanted and that it’s hard to get out of your condo. I wish you were right next door, I’d visit you.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Awww starrlight your such a sweet friend. I wish we were neighbors so we could help each other face the world. I said screw it I'm going down my street and back. I did it starrlight!!! Ppl were staring but I kept saying who cares I'm ugly on the outside but at least I have a caring soul. I never can believe it but I'm trying. I go crazy when I'm constantly inside. I used to walk miles and miles everyday cause I did look good a few years ago. I felt good about my looks. Now I'm terrified to go out. And yes they stare me down over and over until I feel like pond scum! Not a good feeling at all. Ppl never look me in the face So I know I look terrible. Really sux to be treated so bad everyday. Can't change it. So trying to accept it. I don't know what else to do. Even on a good day when they give dirty looks I start feeling so much worse. I'm sorry too about you staying in all winter. I totally understand!!! Your not alone. Its tough to fight,it.

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

I’m so glad you got out and walked! I find the endorphins to be so helpful to counteract the anxious feelings. Omg who are these people bothering you, I wish I could set them straight!!!

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

I wish you could!! Yea ppl have always bullied me and I've really never gone out like normal ppl do. I've always been housebound since I was a kid. In 45 now So its years of being treated so horribly that causes my anxiety up so much. Ill never be able to have a good life. Going outside and being judged constantly is not worth it. That's why I need a dog. The dog loves unconditionally never judging me. Can't find love like that from ppl. Its really hard being sober too cause I can't get loaded and forget how awful I feel. I just keep trying a little bit at a time. Seeing a Dr tomorrow so it will be nice to get on something for anxiety and ADHD. Hope the Dr won't judge me but I'm used to ppl being rude to me. I don't expect it to be any different.

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Best to you at the doctor. (((((((Lovedogs)))))))) I love the unconditional love from dogs too. My dog is an amaging loving fun creature. I hope you can get a dog soon. Are pets allowed where you live?

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Your so darn lucky to have so many animals. I'd be in heaven!!! My lease says no pets but will allow a service animal. So I'm going to try and get an emotional support dog. I put my,pic back,up,to fight my anxiety. I'm thinking if ppl judge me again for that,then oh well wouldn't want to,know you anyways!!! You can't see my sagging skin cause I smile to hide it and take pics only when its sunny or light out. Well see what happens I guess. Give your animal friends a huge hug for me! Wish,I could see them. Animals always put a huge smile on my face and warm my ❤!!!

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Best to you in getting an emotional support dog! That could work wonders. Good to see your pic up again beautiful lady!

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Lol thanks again for your kindness starrlight! Your a wonderful froend!!