How do I begin to climb out of this hole

[ZSKturtle]

Here goes. I am a recently single mother of 3 and ever since he left instead of feeling free from the emotional and verbal abuse I just want him to come home but he won’t. My heart is broken and I am left feeling so worthless. I love my kids I want to be the best role model for them especially my 10 year old daughter. But I’m so down I don’t even want to get dressed or do anything. Of course now we are quarantined but long before this I’ve just been so dead inside. I want to change I want to be happy I want to be okay but how? I have no energy. I have no hobbies I have no ambition.. when someone asks what’s your favorite color or songvetc I could just cry because I don’t even know anymore

[phoebe369]

My husband of 14 years and 4 kids told me he didnt want to be married too me anymore. We were married young and I had never had a job, all I ever wanted was to be a mom and raise my kids. When he said those words he could not take back I found a strength I had never had before. Not only did I not work I didnt drive more than 10 miles away from my house because I had so much anxiety. You do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Your babies are everything and they need to see you rise above so they can learn how to do it them selves. You will get through this and you can be a single mom sometimes 2 jobs and asking for help is needed, but you can do it. years later, my kids are grown I am in a relationship that is beautiful and I am the bread winner of my family. I have different anxiety now, I have reached out here because I do not want to spend more time dealing with it than living. I do not want to be medicated and I dont want to feel like this. I was listening to some doctors today about dealing with anxiety that is elevated by this virus and they suggested helping others, it puts your own anxiety in perspective, and like this post reminds us of the thing we have over come. Thank you for sharing your struggles and reminding me that I overcame the same thing, I can come through this too. We are in this together, you just get up and do the work just don't forget to look at the sun and moon and beautiful things and smile. Hug your babies and let them know you will get though this together. I give you hope from my hope stash. You got this. One last thing.. cry.. it's ok to cry.

[Hidden in reply to phoebe369]

Wow this is an amazing response! I am so happy for you for doing what you needed to do and got out much better!! I didn’t have much advice because I’m not married and don’t have kids but I’ve been they similar experiences. Someone I was with for years was cheating on me and I had no idea. We lived together and then I finally found out and I kicked him out and next thing I know I see him hand in hand with the girl and her pregnant belly in the grocer store!!! ( like a month later). It was horrible and took me years to overcome. But I did it, and came out so much better. I look back and can’t believe how much better my life is now for letting that go. It’s going to be rough at first , but you can do it! Don’t ever settle with someone who Does not want you! You deserve better and you will find it.

[PastelPink20]

I’m a college kid and my mom was a single mom of three.

I’d recommend choosing a song to be your starting song. You can set your alarm, lie in bed, and dread the day. But you play that song, you get up. Open up a notepad and write three reasons you want to get out of bed for, you want to life for, that you need to see. It can be for your kids, to wear those weird leggings, or for a chocolate chip eggo. That list is you forcing your brain to remember and preserve. This is a fight; you’re fighting for yourself and for your children. You’re changing because it’s good for you - you could stay in pjs on sunday.

You can feel dead inside. It sucks. Depression is living as a void. It’s a wormhole that erases everything you cared about, smiled easily for, and that desire to live. Being abandoned? Feeling alone? Feeling endlessly tired? Those are heavy weights to carry. Like seriously.

I think sometimes we have to make our own joy. We have to decide to smile, laugh, and make moments we want to remember. I used to think that I didn’t deserve happiness and I also thought that it didn’t exist for me because I couldn’t feel it anymore. That’s not true. It can be something you make because you must and depression be damned. (Sorry for cursing).

Life is doing things you don’t want to do AND discovering things you do want to do! You don’t like laundry... that sucks because it never ends, but as long as you get it done - it’s okay if you’re watching tv or listening to a podcast.

You feel like a hollow version of your past self. Neigh, you feel like you don’t exist. The abuse wiped away any semblance of you being your own person. You’re so used to making yourself smaller. And it’s startling to look in the mirror. It’s overwhelming to have the task of finding her again.

This is a new day dear. This is a gift of yourself and your kid’s memory of when their mom learned how to glow again. When the house became a safe space. He left and it feels like you’re picking up the pieces again. He’s missing out. He doesn’t deserve you or a part of your children’s life’s. It is going to be hard. It is exhausting. And yet, how rewarding it is to invest in your child’s life. How worth it. How marvelous it will be to see the strength and heart of a woman you grew into becoming without his shadow.

Today seems like the best day to choose a favorite color. Do it! It can be your favorite color to wear, your favorite color to see in nature, your favorite color for paint on a room, or your favorite color for that week. I’ll let you in on a secret - we all change our favorite colors. It’s okay. There are a lot to choose from. It’s nice to have a special place in your heart for a color. It can be a temporary appreciation. I used to like not be able to pick one. Idk. It was teal for a spell. When I was younger, probably just blue because pink was for girls as if that was a bad thing. For awhile, pastel pink was my favorite and it was a new reclamation. But, now maybe I’d choose burnt orange.

Maybe watch a movie with a character for amnesia and see how they’ve forgotten everything. And with that movie magic, they go up to a hotdog stand and figure out they like mustard and ketchup hotdogs. That’s what they like. It’s like small thing for the rest of us. But to them, the one with no memories, no identity, no story to be told, they’ve just created and learned something about themselves. They’re a person who likes both on their hotdog. It’s a part of who they are. They wouldn’t have known if they didn’t order something they didn’t know, tried to see how it tasted, and thought about what they felt. New things can be scary and obscure. We tend to stay in our comfort zone for the security of it.

We can be so used to the idea of who we are... it doesn’t seem like something we could change. Someone else that we like doesn’t seem like someone we could become. But, we grow and learn and try mustard and ketchup hotdogs. Step out. Search up that recipe and make it. Stretch and watch that exercise video.

Because, your day is worth living. Because, you must.

Because, I love myself and the gift of today. 😊

Whatever story or mantra or lie we make up, if it helps you do the things you need to do, then speak it out. Declare those words over and over again. Hold onto them. We need strong words. It can be a bible verse. It can be song lyrics. It can be just you. Decide and rely.

We don’t have to be upset about who we aren’t. (I mean, we can. It’s okay to think and feel it. But, let’s not sit there, eh? Let’s move forward.) We can decide to be excited and curious for who we can become and what we can do. Not who we aren’t. Not jealous of Barbara who goes yoga, has two kids, a husband, and makes gluten free snacks for her kids while also working part-time for fun.

You are you. You have roles you must fulfill. You also have small choices in your day that can be opportunities for a smile, a special occasion, or a new skill. Hobbies are hard to define. Like for me, im only allowed to call it a hobby if I’m good at it (Lol not the way hobbies work).

So like, try learning Spanish on duolingo for five minutes a day. It’s silly and random and you might not ever use it or be good at it! But you’d be trying something to discover whether you like it. You’d be telling yourself it’s okay to spend time on me, it’s good to try and fail a bit. I don’t know. Maybe memorize lyrics to a rap song your kids like and have a competition? 🤔😅😆

I type so much. I don’t have answers. I have small stories and lessons I’ve learned. Just me in my twenty years, it isn’t much. But it’s what I got. I didn’t mention the value of family and friend and coworker support. I don’t know what you got, but if you got people, FaceTime them.

There are a lot of resources right now and in general for online mental health, single parent income, children at home. It definitely is isolating. Search for the help you need, if you have extra needs during this time, because I know they’re out there. Thank you for deciding to post and search for others. What a kind thing to do for yourself - allow your voice to be heard like that.

Your story and path is unique. Still, it holds connection to many others who understand and wish to treat you with kindness. Overall, I hope you feel welcomed and supported here.

💕💕💕

[hypercat54 in reply to PastelPink20]

What a wonderful reply. x

[ZSKturtle in reply to PastelPink20]

Thank you for taking the time to type all of that out for me. Great advice no matter your age hearing that kind of encouragement does help me move in the right direction. Family is not a good support system for me but I do have a handful of some pretty good friends. The relationship I was in isolated me, so to speak. I end my days saying tomorrow is the day I’m going to wake up and start fresh and be better.. then I wake up still with this massive load of stress and anxiety. And just try to make it through the day. I love your tips.. I am definitely going to use your response as a reminder and guide for a while. Thank you.