Relationship advice 💭

[Thealchemist99]

Lately i've been with a guy, he is so sweet and he cares for my feelings. He is selfless and ready to sacrifice anything for me. Sometimes i feel that i like him the other day i don't. We've been on and off for 8 months now. I can't let him go he is so caring and everything i dreamed about but yet i don't know if i love him or not. What should i do? It is tearing me apart and aching my heart. When we're together i feel i have to be alone and walk away, and when i walk away i feel that a piece is missing. Help me !!!

[Witsend8]

There is no advice for this. Is it just when alone you miss someone caring? I understand that. Give it time, 8 months isnt that long. Enjoy time together and see what happens and if feelings change in any way.

I know how hard it is to let go of someone you feel cares for you, i really do, but all i can say is, it takes time, speak to friends regularly and if you do decide to let it go. Time is a great healer but its hard to understand that at the beginning of being alone xx

[CanuckAnon]

There’s no real advice... relationships are hard. Why have u been on and off for 8 months? Does he tell you he loves you? Why do u have to decide if u do or don’t? Why not just see how it goes?

[Thealchemist99 in reply to CanuckAnon]

I've been mean with him when i'm jot in the mood and i'm a moody person. I'm bipolar one minutes i'm happy and the very next minute i get upset and go crazy for nothing

[CanuckAnon in reply to Thealchemist99]

Then it sounds like you need to get yourself under control emotionally before venturing into a relationship with someone else who has anxiety. It’s not fair for either of you is it?

Why not just work on yourself to start with without trying to take on your entire relationship determination all at once? It’s overwhelming you which appears to be making your anxiety spin. Give yourself a break... Rome was not built in a day... 😊🌷☀️

[PastelPink20 in reply to CanuckAnon]

So true!!!

[StrongMom]

Follow your gut. It sounds like your gut is saying he’s not good for you. Break it off and find love elsewhere, it’s not worth destroying your mental health going back and forth, and isn’t fair to him to continue this as well.

[PastelPink20 in reply to StrongMom]

I agree!

[PastelPink20]

He sounds nice! It’s nice to have someone nice! Nice nice nice!

It isn’t that great to feel like you’re dating Mr. Perfect... and for some reason, feel like, somethings wrong with you! That you need to change to be better for him! :/

“Why can’t I stay with him? Why am I making these choices to push him away? He’s perfect, I should be treating him better.” Might be an inner monologue you’ve had. Maybe not. I have.

When you’re together it might be like this, “He’s so overwhelming! Why is he doing that? What does he want me to say? Well, I don’t want to say that. I don’t want him to do that for me... why is he offering to do all these extra things I don’t need him to do? He wants to spend so much time together!!? I need alone time.”

Have you heard about attachment theory? Secure, anxious, avoidance are different types of attachment and I think can help us realize how we naturally behave in relationships. Anxious-avoidant relationships are common.

There’s something about it:

theschooloflife.com/thebook...

The school of life has some YouTube videos on it. Check them out.

You don’t know if you love him. What is your goals in a relationship? (Not with him. Not your imaginary future you’re changing yourself in to try to fit it with him... Just talking about you. What do you want? What does love mean to you?)

Being in an on/off relationship is strenuous. It’s easy to cling onto to someone. Is it a healthy relationship? Do you like who you are around him? (Like actually, not in your imagination). Do you think you want to figure out how to set boundaries and address your issues together as a couple? It requires some stuff from both of you.

Don’t be afraid of being alone. You’re not someone else’s missing half. You’re a whole person. (It’s not 1/2 + 1/2 = 1). Maybe it’s what you need. Although painful, eventually it can feel freeing from the emotions turmoil. It could give you time to work on your issues and figure out how you want to act in a relationship. What you deserve. What your significant other deserves.

It could be time to grow.

Are you making it complicated? Is it him? Is it both of you together?

Do you run away and come back to him?

Do you leave him and he chases you back?

Do you feel absolutely drained after being with him?

Do you feel like you have to call or talk to someone else to recharge after being with him? To make sense of things?

What do your friends / family think of what you do / what he does?

Sometimes, our behavior or subconscious knows what we should do more than we’re willing to realize.

I think our partners should be someone we can set boundaries with, spend certain times together and a part and be okay. That talking to them comes naturally and we enjoy it. That we aren’t confused, hurt, & annoyed constantly by what they say.

I think sometimes we expect our significant other to act in a certain way or fill a void we have. Like I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad and that makes me all weird and somehow, having this guy like me fixes it. Or all the stuff from not looking at a healthy relationship from my parent as a kid messed me up. It’s good to learn how to take care of yourself or to decide what you want your future marriage to look like. You can miss people and set them free. Idk.

Sometimes, we are the bad guy in other people’s story.

I can’t give you the magic words. There’s a limit to what advice I can give. I don’t know for you. I don’t even think I’m qualified to give advice. Sorry for this crazy long thing.

Im sorry it’s painful. It’s a lot to be overwhelmed and confused and emotionally attached to other human. Living life, learning from mistakes.

I hope things get better for you! Be careful reading through advice - relationship things are tricky, research what you can, read up to educate yourself, follow up on what to to based on what you believe for your future self - be kind to her.

[Thealchemist99 in reply to PastelPink20]

You really helped me reconsider everything i'm going through. I will check the link you've sent, thank you! 😊

[Ollyvie]

Hello Thealchemist99,

I can understand how you are feeling right now. It’s a difficult place to be in. Love should grow with time. There is no perfect relationship, but you have to make a decision to commit and work on it to grow the relationship. Ask your self what you are looking for in a relationship and if you want to keep him in your life.

I have come to realize that we are made to believe what we repeatedly tell ourselves. If you tell yourself you will learn to love, you will and if you convince yourself you can’t love him, you will fall out of love with him. First analyze the realities without being emotional about it. Let your head lead you not your heart. Most importantly you have to find a way to keep your anxiety under control to help make meaningful decision about your relationship. A friend who loves you more is a plus than one you will be working hard for him to want to be with you. Best wishes dear.

[Thealchemist99 in reply to Ollyvie]

You are 100% right, i want him in my life and i will learn how to love him. It is just my anxiety that is controlling me.

[Ollyvie in reply to Thealchemist99]

hello dear, how have you been doing? There is a way out for you to keep it under control. I know it can take a while but give it a try I know counselling can help, so in case you need help finding a counselor near you or if you need to talk to someone about this you can call 855-382-5433 for counseling consultation. Check this out and I think you might find it helpful bit.ly/2X3K7Or . Am also here whenever you need to chat, sending hugs and prayers your way.

[JkBauer]

Hi,

I hope you are having a good day today! It sounds like you should not worry about your relationship. It sounds like you have a wonderful man. - You should sit down and make yourself two lists. 1). A positive list - Things that you do well. Things that are good in your life. Things that you are thankful for... 2). Now make a list of things that you need to work on. Things that are hard for you to do. Things that are only about you and how you behave/ respond. - Now, take a look at both lists and number them from 1- (most important to 5- being the least important (ie). - Do you have a best friend? - Have her or close family member help hold you accountable as you make a plan to find a way to change your own behavior/ attitude. Take one positive quality on your list and work it in with your negative that you are going to work on. Let your boyfriend know what you are working on. - I used to be an awful perfectionist and I had high expectations from my husband and kids when they were little. It made me so mad that they were never helping and then I talked to a friend of mine and she had me do this. When I started working on my own attitude and behavior I started noticing a difference in how I responded to my family and even how they were responding back to me. I had to learn how to humble myself. When I did that, my family life became much more relaxed and much more stress-free.

[Thealchemist99 in reply to JkBauer]

I should definitely do this sometime 👍 it is so motivating