I'm really fragile so respond only if won't make me fret. I'm throwing up. I'm really on a critical.
So i had a crisis. (It's a new therapist working good till now). Mom was first shift till 4pm and had more time to drink. Fell asleep Around 8 but woke. I went to throw out the trash and come back and chill while she's asleep, meanwhile sis went outside too. I came back and mom was still awake and told me "what walk was that? Go for more". I went outside panicing. Texted my therapist "can i call". Mom called and told me "i was joking". I got ready to come back home but for some devilish reason i turned on mobile data and saw my therapist wrote "yes". She said "yes, it's a terrible situation to have a sick mom and have to run away and leave your sister". And I was like "hold up, so she's really calling mom sick and me running away". Moreover i went to her because i hate my current accomodation and i can't be without mom and sis, i can't clean, i can't stop vomiting.
But she told me that. Dad always says mom drinks the normal amount. And i say i don't run away, i go to study. And come back to see sis and she has school and friends.
The thing is i could have went home, 10 mins after the call, calm and rest , but i had this nightmareous talk leading me to a worse state. And I called that guy after and he said the same thing - after break up, ppl drink. And i remembered my first therapist saying my parents divorced because of me. And I went insane and i spent three hours crying on the phone and now don't want to go back to my accommodation but can't look at mom. I'm vomiting and cold. I needed emergency call from her, even the normal "breathe" and "do sth u like". Not to tell me ur moms dying and ur running away. And what's worse growing up. The idea that i have to stay in that prison cell forever and alone and sis to grow up and go to the Netherlands. I don't want to go back. I need someone with me when i panic. If only i could go back in time and just go home and take my medication and blame it on my lack of medication, calm down and forget it.
