New and needing help

[LifesAGarden]

I’m new here. I had a panic attack today after a friend of mine threw a lot of negativity at me. I kept crying for hours and frantically searching for anyone to talk to. No one would talk to me. I finally, an hour later, got someone.

I tend to be blunt and honest to a fault. Not everyone can handle it. But I realized it wasn’t even what he said that bugged me as much. It’s a pile of stuff. It’s me becoming like my mom. Diagnosed with being premenopausal. No kids. No husband or family. Not even aunts or uncles anymore. My dad has been gone for years. My mom is narcissistic and verbally abusive. Ive had nothing but narcissistic ex boyfriends too cause that’s what I searched for, unknowingly. I’ve held all this inside me for years. On top of helping friends and family overcome health issues, personal issues. I broke last year. When I tried to have hope that my mom would want to mend things before her surgery. Instead, I just got her anger. The usual. An argument over something stupid. I closed that door. Done with her. Even though I’m going to see her when I go in March for my bday to California. I’m dreading it cause she will comment on how I look cause stress and beta blockers have made me gain weight.

Anyhow, I searched therapists today and found one. Called her. Then I will call more tomorrow. I need help. I can’t keep doing this. My depression is getting worse and these panic attacks make me unproductive at work. I wind up leaving cause I can’t get it under control.

[brokenlight]

Welcome ✨

[ivy0]

Welcome! You’re so not alone. I’ve found the most comforting thing is feeling like someone understands. I hope this helps a little......I wish it was more active here! Have you had a therapy appt yet?

[LifesAGarden in reply to ivy0]

No. Not yet. I wish it was more active here too.

[Tikirob]

I am sorry you are going through this. Hope you can find a good clinician and that your visit with your mom is good. Take care.

[4woody]

Talk to me. I hope you can believe you are not alone. Likely all the members on this website have also felt very alone. I know I have. Therapy is a good place to start walking forward to wherever you hope to go. I’m glad you signed up for this website too. I’ll be watching for your reply.

[LifesAGarden in reply to 4woody]

Thank you. I do believe I am not alone. The panic attacks freeze me and I start to uncontrollably cry. I do live alone and therefore I feel alone as well. When I have these attacks or episodes, I have to go home and calm down. I am grateful I have a boss who, if I ask and we are not super busy, will let me work from home at times. Home is my safe place. So is my car. But I tell you, I wish I had a space where I could turn off the world sometimes. Just go sit and zone out. Not worry about a sound or person or pet disrupting my silence. So I can just relax and let go. God I wish I had a space like that. With no worries on time or anyone needing me.