OCD is Really Taking a Toll on Me Lately

[mvillarreal]

I think maybe having my beliefs challenged in seminary school is triggering a lot for me and messing with my mental health. Lately, my existential and harm OCD, has especially been taking a toll. I constantly worry about not being forgiven by someone I wrong; about committing sexual assault or harassment; about questions related to God's grace; what happens after death; and all kinds of other intrusive, disturbing thoughts. In addition, there's also probably some post-traumatic stress behind a lot of this, and I think this is being triggered as well. I've wanted to do this my whole life, but now that I'm doing it, it's messing with my head-big time!

[Konagirl01]

I can understand what you are saying. I feel like my faith has been tested over the last year and I struggle a lot with so many things. For me it’s anxiety and depression and PTSD from an abusive relationship years ago.

I’m sorry you are struggling, have you tried talking to anyone about all of this? A therapist or friend? Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone listen without judgement.

Just remember you are enough and you are strong than even your worst day and you deserve happiness.

[mvillarreal in reply to Konagirl01]

I've been talking with my therapist and my parents about this, but I don't know how much help they can give me. They don't have all the answers either. We've been working on re-assessing whether my harm thoughts (ex: "I might sexually assault somebody") are likely or not, and they really aren't, as I have a strong respect for women and for all human beings. Even so, though, I struggle to get over the, "But it still COULD happen" thought. And then with my existential OCD, there's not a lot of people out there who could really answer the questions I wonder about. Even those who think they have the answers, I find, are overconfident and usually have too much trust in their own reason. I honestly just want to talk to someone who's had a deep spiritual experience related to my questions and hear what their insights are. It sucks because not a lot of people deal with this type of OCD, and I don't feel like a lot of people understand. I've actually had someone tell me that, if I am worried about hurting someone, that must mean a part of me has thought about wanting to hurt someone-which was patently false! I literally don't want to hurt a fly, which is part of why I worry so much about harm. And then, the deep questions I have: I don't know who or what can help me with that.

[Rick1on1]

Can you elaborate some more on your thoughts about existentialism and God?

[mvillarreal in reply to Rick1on1]

If all creatures are part of God, and if another sentient being is rightfully resentful and unforgiving of an action I've committed, does that mean that a part of God is rightfully resentful and unforgiving? Is it true, as many people say, that "no one owes you forgiveness" and that, if someone hates me, they have that right and that I really AM defined by my mistakes? Is there a such thing as eternal damnation? Doesn't even someone like Hitler EVENTUALLY deserve forgiveness and redemption? Is there an afterlife or a meaning to life at all? Are there really ethics, or are they just a false construct that help us to survive and reproduce? Does God really exist at all? If it's true that some people are psychologically incapable of forgiveness, how could a loving God create us to be capable of doing wrong to others yet incapable of forgiveness? Imagine having these thoughts swarming in your head non-stop all the time. It's a living hell!

[Rick1on1 in reply to mvillarreal]

Thanks for this - it really helps me to understand what you are going through!

I was brought up in Catholicism and was so strong in my belief that I was an altar boy and considered priesthood. One of my earliest memories as a child was wondering who this God was that people where telling me about. Where did He come from and come into existence?

Until about 15 years ago, these kinds of questions have plagued me. I finally closed this field of study , content in calling myself agnostic.

I will gladly discuss your questions in a message as I dont think the public forum is the right place for it. Let me know.