I have withdrawn from posting lately for whatever reason. I think I’ve been feeling hopeless, discouraged and just like I don’t fit in anywhere.
I have avoided the written part to the CBT workbook cuz I just did not want to face the emotions or how skewed my thinking is really... I started the written parts last night but do not think it will help.
I don’t know why I think or feel the way I do and the CBT person is not overly helpful as they will not answer questions I have they just ask me more questions... so frustrating!
I find I’m getting irritated easy, wishing tough talks could be done telepathically and that I will never feel normal or like a withdrawn outcast again. I am not sure if my friends will want to hang out with me again due to how I withdrew and isolated myself from them.... I just feel like sitting crying and feeling sorry for myself.... easier right now instead of facing crap I have to! I just feel so alone in this journey...
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CanuckAnon
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Hi Canuck, I have noticed your absence . We all do that from time to time . Sometimes I share and sometimes I just listen. You seem to be very self aware. You know what you want to avoid is what you need to do. I think you are just not quite ready to. Maybe posting will give you the push to move forward. It's always difficult to know how much to share with friends and it depends on the friend. I'm not to inclined to share much because I've been burned too many times. I will lie instead of making myself vulnerable. I'm talking about social lying not moral lies. Finish your notebook, it may help. Normal is over rated. Pam
When I say reaching out it’s more like hey sorry to have been out of touch yada yada yada.... not really getting into why or whatever.. just trying to repair stuff I broke whatever. I trust very few due to being burned b4 too... I’m more open here then I have been anywhere... that gives me a weird yet oddly comforting feeling.
I’m just not sure I’m ready to face the stuff I must... the book sort of got started and by started I mean I wrote gratitude book - private on outside of empty notebook. That’s as far as I got b4 I put it down in pile of lists on coffee table.....
Being self aware is not all it’s cracked up to being... for me it means that I spend way to much time in my head analysing each and every scenario, situation or what if ... it can make it hard to distinguish between my warpy spin, my version of reality, reality and how someone else would see it.
Part of me just wants to jump into a difficult situation (for me) and just see how I do... sort of a sink or swim type thing but then I worry that this will just force me back to isolation, helplessness feeling or just serve to push people to give up on me and write me off as whatever....
So lonely yet not able to deal with groups of people and crowds.... I feel trapped inside the prison which used to be home .
You seem to be hard on yourself which is pretty common for most of us here. I am more of a jump into the fire but with caution type. If that's possible .Take some time to observe what works for others and tailor a plan that might work for you. I have found that I need to push myself a little , if I'm comfortable then it's probably not going to work for me. You may need to find a different way. Think about what you would tell someone else in your situation. You would be more understanding I imagine.
It’s always easier to be more understanding to others and yes lately I’ve been really hard on myself which used to motivate me to get whatever done now it seems to not be working.... I’m trying to come up with a new plan.... spinning my wheels in neutral not working anymore.
I will try to read others plans and do a trial and error routine to figure something out... something’s gotta give at some point eh?!
Thanks.... I needed to hear that I was not alone in my hatred of cbt. I am not ready for acceptance yet as I’m still working on forgiving myself... I think in order to go forward I need to look back bcuz they seem to be related...
I need to try something different or different tool box, something just making my brain spin with what will click...
It’s hard not to. I want to so badly! I don’t care atm if my thoughts are twisted and believable lies as truth or reality might be something I want to face.
Agreed! CBT never worked for me because it was so task oriented and never helped me heal from my trauma. My life changed but underneath it all was still deep sadness and intense anxiety. EMDR worked for me. PM me if you want to know more and I can explain. Changed my life
I understand how you are feeling, being, isolated. Through the pain of the last 10 years I have a hard time trusting, opening up, or evening thinking that anymore really cares. I've lost everything, son through suicide, taking care of mother to her end with cancer. My middle son through hate, and my youngest who is very successful ashamed that I'm not strong enough. I went through cancer and faught for my life only to find my son hanging in our garage. My middle son hates me. My mother died three month's ago. I took care of her until the day she died. I don't have a family anymore, what's left is hate and pain. I pray for strength every day, and I fight for tomorrow. We both have to fight through this isolation and pain. We can do it, please be strong.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It helped a lot- I was not able to respond when I first read it as I wanted to think on your words and they helped. 1 foot in front of other right?!
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xx
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