I always had depression and anxiety, and I have always been prone to overthinking. In the latter half of 2019, I became too depressed and suicidal so my family asked me to see a psychiatrist, there I was diagnosed with clinical depression and told it's all tied down to childhood trauma.
This wasn't the first time that I had visited a psychiatrist, I once went to see one for mild depression and once after my break up, but both times, I recovered quickly and never thought I needed to pay any more heed than what seemed warranted.
Now ever since I graduated from the Law School, my life and my sense of self esteem has been going in a downward spiral, it had been plummeting and now it has hit rock bottom.
I feel stuck in life, my confidence is gone, I am tired most of the time, I have become asocial at work and personal life, and quite honestly I contemplate suicide all the time. If I had an access to a gun, I'd shoot myself in the head.
How do people cope with being stuck in life? I was once quite popular and congenial, and this was only 2 years ago. Now I feel so inferior that I reject myself before anyone has a chance to reject me.
I can relate to everything you have said, it’s like i was reading something I wrote, I’m pretty much stuck myself.
I’m very sorry you’re feeling this way dear i just want you to know that You’re not alone, I’m here to help if you need it, I’m always willing to listen you can text me anytime.
You’re needed in this world, we are all here to support you in your dark times!
Thank you for the kindness and for sharing some of your feelings.
I didn't mention it but not only did I get out of a co-dependant relationship last year, where I was smothered for two years and emotionally blackmailed into not breaking up for another year (Honestly, my ex is not malicious, she too was suffering) also, I immediately jumped into a mess where I became obsessed with a girl who had a crush on me when I was dating the aforementioned ex.
With all honesty, I really thought this girl was the one, we both like the same authors, painters, music and so on. I used to paint her sunflowers and other Van Gogh paintings...I liked our chemistry. There was definitely some connection, the only problem (or so I thought) she had started dating our common friend, we still kept talking as friends. I put her on the pedestal but for her I may only be an option should she break up.
she has absolute control over my feelings and self esteem. Her oscillating behaviour is messing my mind, even my sister who doesn't interfere in my life has told me to be aware of her. Her actions do not correspond with her words, she keeps saying how she still has feelings for me and this and that but will only message me when she's lonely or it's convenient for her.
I too have depression quite a lot of the time it kicks my arse and gets the better of me. Your childhood trauma is what contributes to your low mood and suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately it hurts a lot I too have had traumatic childhood and work with a psychologist who diagnosed cPTSD. You are not alone reaching out on here is huge I get how bad you feel I feel it too.
I write down my thoughts sometimes on here others I keep to myself. When I go to re read it now how then felt has often passed. I cut all the toxic people out of my life and the only people in my life deserve to be there. You have a law degree your young you have so much going for you. It may be that you decide to seek therapy. I think it's the best decision I have ever made if I hadn't I think I would not be here anymore. You matter your life matters stay safe if you need to talk I am on here as are other we "get it" .
I just read this post,I was in an abusive relationship 12 years ago and believed his problems were all my fault,its happening again in the relationship I'm in now,my self esteem is low and i need to learn to love myself,hence the wanting to get better to validate myself!,,
Hello, I knew there was something wrong with me other than self sabotaging...I was becoming asocial at work.I am someone who works in public service and all the people I have always had time for,became an annoyance to me.I resented them all being happy and not being able to see my torment inside. I have taken time out to try to sort my head,but the counselling will take some time to sort and I am embarrassed about many seeing me actually tormented, which is funny as I wanted them to know! All I can try to do is go back to work and try to make at least one person's day by being the person I know I am,baby steps until counselling happens for me. That's my plan for today and even though I'm petrified to return to work tomorrow,I know the day wont last forever and I can try again after that. I wish you luck in finding clarity in your own time.
I resonate with what you had to say, happy and content people make me feel annoyed at myself. Why on earth can't I have something so simple?! I keep asking myself that, and if there's anyone besides me who also feels the same.
You know medicines don't work either, at least not for me. I have been on various antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, none worked.
I had a bad reaction to sertraline after just a low dose...2 days in and I was swearing I'd do anything other than that and dont think I'm a newbie to this anxiety lark...39 years in the making for me!I thought it was the way to go for me but luckily,after spending time with my fiances uncle who has been on meds for 20 plus years,I came to the decision to try to deal with my shit naturally,I always have and im still here! Well,except for alcohol which I discovered a while back didn't have a place in my world...However,im older now and havent tried talking...I act well,I act so damn well I dont know who I am really,but luckily I know im not someone who wants to get better and not take credit for it.I am aware meds work for many and I applaud them in their decision to take them,and there is no shame in getting that help as everyone sees it differently.But,for me,I want to look back in a year,happy,healthy,and assured that I did this.
Ask about effexor xr. None of the meds worked for me until this one. The hardest thing about this particular medicine is the weaning off. The side affects are minimal and is fast acting compared to most. I've tried the natural way and am now going through yet another depression. I can't afford my meds as my health insurance cut me but I'm still going to try to find a way to get back on them. Good luck to you on your journey.
Thanks for your input,I'm going to try without meds as long as I can,I figured it took a long time for me to get this way,it will take a fair bit of work to get me out,even if I have to act a little in my job...I'll try to talk to right people like your good selves.
The way I coped, I started picking up extra hobbies to keep busy. I returned to school, I am just in a mission to save myself. I feel stuck but I’m going to unfuck myself and overcome this. I never want to go back to how I felt I’m August through December. I never want to go back to that dark place. It’s hard, I struggle but I keep pushing. Sometimes I’m exhausted but I keep pushing. Also, my brother lost his battle to depression on 12/25/08 and amongst that committed other acts that destroyed people’s life’s. I don’t want to ever do that. I’ve been in both spectrums, I will not go down without a fight
Sorry for your loss. You're strong to deal with this. I think hobbies might work, when I was depressed I went into a frenzy of writing and painting and it was the only time I felt at peace and content.
First of all, if you get to a point where you seriously want to commit suicide, PLEASE call an emergency hotline or dial 911. Your life, even if it isn't going smoothly, has precious value, and none of us want to see you take it. I'm wondering, though, if there's a particular trigger that led you to feel this way? Or just (I don't say "just" in a diminishing sense) the clinical depression acting up?
I think I'm not getting things done as smoothly and competently as the successful lawyers I see in court everyday. Even though, if I thought about it pragmatically, I know they all have 5-30+ years of experience over my few months as a Counsel but my mind is stubborn and insecure.
How long have you been a lawyer? I don't know if it'll make you feel better, but I'm a little jealous you have what it takes to be a lawyer at all! Just remember that you don't have to be perfect. I'm sure you will become a lot better as you get more experience. Remember, progress, not perfection!
I know how you feel, I’m somewhat obsessed with my current bf, it’s all due to the fear of abandonment and loneliness for me, he is so patient with me I’m grateful, while i try to detach myself and as you said “Love myself” and try to be enough for myself which is not easy in this depressive state of mind.
I also know how it is to be abused mentally in a relationship (doesn’t always mean the other person is bad) and I’m happy you got the strength to get out of it.
Before my current bf i was in a relationship with this abusive manipulative prick, who i for some reason adored despite the fact that he was using me emotionally like a vampire feeding off of me, while not giving me anything except for “Sweet talk”, same as your girl he was telling me how much he loves me while not doing anything to prove it also was cheating and lying, everyone around me tried telling me how bad he was but i just couldn’t help but forgive him (low self esteem I guess).
Last year was rough so eventually i woke up (after 9 years) and realized that he is not good for me, i was living the fantasy that I’ve created in order not to see his true self, he was selfish and basically didn’t really care about me.
The situation you’re going through is hard, break ups are never easy and especially disappointments and all dreams and hopes that you had being crushed is also not easy to accept at the moment, but you’re not alone in this, it will get better, after a while you will realize just how obvious it was to leave this person. Believe me on this one, I thought I’d literally die without him, and yet here i am actually happy that i had the balls to leave.
You know that you’re special, you’re handsome and educated young man, with great potentials, you’ve graduated the Law Uni!!! That’s really awesome.
You just need to take a break from everything especially social media, to collect yourself.
all this Low self esteem picture is only in Your head and you needn’t feel this way there is nothing wrong with you, from what you’ve described i see you as a Really great human being who is capable of giving love while needing it the most.
Im really glad you took your time to share your story, I’m happy you’re here with us.
I can relate to what everyone has said here. Trying to get thru this horrible time in my life as well. I’ve been lucky to come out of these 4-6 months or even 1 year bouts in tact 3 times in my life. It takes time, love and baby steps. I’m working on accepting and letting go of my past relationships. One of 23 years. Only to jump back in after a year and get hurt really bad. I need to get back to loving myself and enjoying my life. Loneliness is hard!
I hope your therapist told you clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and that your child hood trauma isn't the cause, but an addition of extenuating circumstances that makes depression harder for some of us who are also survivors. Also during certain times in our life of achievement...we may be also looking for the shoe to drop as that is also part of our disease and conditioning from trauma. These are really two different and equally debilitating issues. There is no cure for depression, and depending on the severity of your trauma....it can take a lot of work to understand why you feel the way you do, and how to manage it. To learn to recognize when your not giving yourself credit where it's due because of self esteem issues, or because of self worth issues that often come from child abuse issues....all of it is a mixed bag.....but the more you learn, the more you understand and knowledge is power.....
Therapist only gave me therapy with regards to my current situation and underlying causes of my feelings. it was my psychiatrist who gave me medical opinion that I have chemical imbalances (serotonin, etc).
Both were shocked to learn that I remember the traumatic experiences I had and OCD rituals I used to do when I was as young as 5.
I can totally relate to what you're going through. I used to think about suicide as a way out of the feelings I was experiencing and not because of my life if that makes any sense. It's even harder to love life and being unable to enjoy it or even participate in everyday simple tasks. You obviously feel all of that but fortunately there are meds that help. I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and ptsd since I was raped at 15, from there I became a wife, mother and widow all before I had my 23rd birthday. My life became a whirlwind of mistakes, bad decisions and bad behavior along with a very nasty attitude.. I had no idea how far gone I was but I then started drinking, thank God I didn't continue to drink but I was well on my way to being an alcoholic. I worked but was mentally absent. If anyone criticised me I'd fall apart. I felt paranoid. I either slept too much or not at all. I'd eat too much or not all. I've been through this cycle 7 or 8 times so far with my worst depression lasting nearly a year. I wish I had answers but there's definitely help and support out there even if it's overwhelming to take a step toward help. Admitting you don't feel right mentally is the hardest step to take. You've done that. I'm going through another depression as we speak. I do not have insurance and find myself incapable of even going to work and have had to stop my meds as they are too expensive to pay out of pocket. Please hang in there you have family that loves you. Find the right treatment and fight with all the strength you have inside you. You will make it because like me you're seeking help.
I feel a little ashamed and horrible for complaining about life when there are people like you who go through so much with stoic attitude and still make it out well and stronger than before. Keep fighting.
Oh no I'm crying as I write to you. I'm not as calm as it sounds. I want to be noticed for feeling like this but yet I don't. It sounds to me like the people you're dating are all wrong for you. I used to subconsciously date men that I knew were wrong for me and would put my all in them and wonder why they didn't think I was good enough. It's a cycle it took me 20 years to break. I thought I was being punished for not being a good wife to my husband before he died. All that in turn made me a bad mother in my mind anyway. I still feel like that and my kids are adults now. We all have demons that chew on our wellbeing.
You are a good mother and were a good wife. Just because terrible things happened to you doesn't mean you were bad, you are good. When things happen for which you have no explanation, our mind seeks explanation however irrational for we hate not knowing so we draw conjectures. seriously, I have known horrible people, you are not even close. 🙂
Listen....Avi...everyone’s stuff needs to be validated, and you matter, no whatever someone goes through is valid when it effects us mentally and emotionally. There is no measure of who suffers more or less.. There are people who suffer more everyday here than someone else suffers....but we all suffer the same. This is the place to share about it without judgment, and I'm glad your sharing....
I can understand this. I have death wishes (but wouldn't do it because I'd leave a mess for partner and friends and tiny family of brother and niece. I'm 72 and have suffered clinical depression since high school but the uncertainly of Covid has added to my hopelessness. I really can feel your mental agony as I experience it myself but for more years
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