I'm so sorry to start out sounding dramatic, but I don't have anyone I can talk to. And I am so lost right now, and I'm getting desperate because my recent goal of "just get through today" is not even working... and seriously, this is 100% the bare minimum of goals for anyone, ever.
Background: I live in a very small, tourism-oriented town, and have a high-profile and public job that I used to love. (Translation: people gossip around here like it's their life's work.) Married for 10 years, no kids, but have pets I love dearly.
I've had depressive episodes in the past and have powered through them, but this one is unlike any I have ever experienced before.
I didn't cry for 3-5 years, (except on behalf of that stupid volleyball in Castaway), and now I do it daily. I'm totally failing at work, and people are starting to notice. I hate leaving the house, or even going to the grocery store, because I don't want to run into anyone who might know or recognize my tear-stained and angry-ugly face. My husband got tired of this behavior weeks ago, and is now just trying to avoid my stupid arse whenever possible when I'm "in a mood" because I'm that miserable to be around. I was supposed to go on vacation last week with friends, and instead I let everyone down and canceled at the last minute because I couldn't imagine how to pretend to be the old smiley version of myself for more than a few hours. I think I'm turning 40 this week, but I don't really care, and I forgot what day of the week my birthday is... (This last one may be a blessing in disguise in the long run.)
But most important, I am screwing up at work, which used to be my favorite part of life, and now I somehow don't care. Total apathy. In past episodes of depression, I at least gave a frack that my work was suffering, and that got me out of the funk in the end. But now, I could get fired tomorrow, and my response would be that at least I have way more time to cry and play mahjong on my phone.
Saw my doctor back in December, and he prescribed 10mg of Lexapro, which didn't help, and which made me even more exhausted. He switched it to Welbutrin recently, but I don't want to take it, because I tried that a couple decades before and it made me feel drunk. (Fun for the first 5 hours, but then it loses its appeal.) He also gave me a referral to our lone therapist for 100 miles or so, but she is not accepting new clients, so that's not an option. Also, see aforementioned gossip-of-a-small-town aspect, and how this relates to continually picking up different anti-depressants at the lone pharmacy in town.
So instead, I've defaulted to my old coping mechanisms of alcoholism with a bulimia chaser. (aka, binging in multiple mediums... Also, hours and hours of Game of Thrones on repeat.)
In the meantime, everything is falling apart. I stopped using smiley emojis in all communications, my cell-phone mahjong scores have suffered, but perhaps most importantly, I am literally losing everything that brought me joy. Everything. Sometimes I think that I just have to hold on for as long as my cat Brownie is alive, because I love him more than anything, and then once he's gone, I can just let go. And he has feline herpes, a heart murmur, and one eye, so the timetable here is fairly unpredictable, which is a little scary for the both of us.
I just realized that I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe I just wanted to write this all down and literally tell anyone who has a vague interest in listening, or who remotely cares about a weird stranger, that I am legitimately losing my sh*t and that things are NOT OK. They are not OK at all.
I've had to hide everything because I have to keep my smiley-facade on for acquaintances and work colleagues, and because I am becoming a miserable burden to the people who are closest to me, and that's never happened before. Ergo, their patience is running thin. So in the short term, I have to be happy to meet a colleague's mistress-of-the-moment, or happy to hear my husband talk about the way-more-horrible situation of how college football championships are poorly handled by the powers that be. (He's not wrong. They need a larger pool for playoffs.)
But during all of this pretending, I am very, very much alone. And I am lost. And I am so sorry to be such a dramatic venting PITA on my first post, but my brain is severely broken, and I don't know what to do - about anything - right now. I feel like a mannequin about to crack.
Any guidance is appreciated. Even if it's just an acknowledgement that you actually read this monstrosity of a post, and that you are one of the very, very few people who actually knows that I am NOT OK, and that I am NOT fine, and that I don't give a sh*t about college football, or your mistress, or about anything, really. I just want to get through today. and take care of my cat.
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coastalblue
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Thank you!! - You have no idea how much your comment & acknowledgement means to me right now... Please know that you just did a world of good for someone.
Well you are not alone anymore coz lots of us could have written a post like yours. I am currently sitting in my lounge watching water drip from my ceiling. I have chronic back pain and lung disease and am busy smoking myself to death.
I don't give a flying f..... about anything anymore. Like I said you are not alone.
You just went out of your way to help a stranger stick around a little longer, and it helped. So if nothing else, know that you did something awesome today, and I'm grateful. (And I'm smoking too. Was supposed to quit at some point, but that's at the bottom of the to-do list atm.)
I feel the exact same way. No one wants to be around me because I am so miserable. I don’t find enjoyment in anything anymore. I can’t even get out of bed.
You genuinely helped me just by responding and making me feel less alone. Thank You, and I hope that the fact that you legitimately helped someone today makes you feel a little better in return.
I hear you... for me it’s different in that I care TOO much and think too hard. But I totally hear you and your struggle and I wish you and your cat all the best. I’m here to listen, you can also personal message me any time. Keep hope because things can get better.
Thank you, and you seriously helped more than you know. Just being heard right now without judgement is such a relief. I've felt like like I was screaming inside my own head for weeks.
Thank you for taking the time to help out a stranger. Please take care, too, and know that you literally just did a world of good.
Though I'm short on guidance (I can barely find my own way clear these days), I wanted to let you know you are heard and understood here, and to welcome you to this HealthUnlocked community, coastalblue.
There was a stretch of time I lived the last sentence of your post every single day and night, so I'm wishing you and Brownie better health and better days. 🐈
Thank you so, so much taking the time to respond - just being heard and understood helps right now, if that makes sense. So thank you. It is appreciated more than you know.
I'm fortunate enough to always be able to find AA meetings near me. I hope you can too. It's great having people to talk to, people that understand me. It's free and therapeutic!
Thank you! I've thought about going to the meetings held in our area, but may need to cast a wider regional net, due to the small-town / gossip aspect.
There's always on line meetings too, and you can read literature online, or even listen to it.
Of all the things I do to get better, AA has been the most helpful, and not because I needed help to quit, but because I need help to be Happy, and to become the person I want to be, instead of the person I was fated to be!
I'm sorry things feel so bleak right now. You're so courageous for sharing all of that and I hope that just writing it all down and posting helped a little.
It somehow did, and thank you so much for responding!! Just being heard, and with compassion, is already making a world of difference, if that makes sense?
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’m on here for the first time ever because I am starting to feel pretty similarly. I also feel like I’m just going to crack and break at any moment. I wish I had an answer for you. I’m just hoping this is a phase in life that will eventually pass and the clouds will lift. Are you seeing a therapist? That is my next step, I think. I need someone other than my poor husband to talk to. I truly wish you the best and pray we get through this.
I read a post that mentioned Dr. Claire Weekes, who I had never heard of. Her work seems to have been Very helpful to the poster, so I had to check it out. OMG, did she ever ever speak to me! She says you can recover without professional help. I'm convinced. I hope you are too!
Wow, i feel your pain. My advice would be to try and express your feelings to your husband. It will help with the loneliness as it will make it more of a team effort to help kick this debilitating brain fault in the butt. Best wishes to you and Brownie.
I am sorry you are having such a difficult I time right now. I hear you, I understand, and I’ve been there too. I am glad your posting and the group’s answers have helped you . This is a good group of helpful people. I joined when I was feeling very bad and needed to be heard also. Writing and feeling rtf
I had let so much slide, stopped doing anything, and was barely functioning. A month after beginning to feel better, I am still playing catch up. Once I get paid that depressed, it seems almost impossible to get going again. It is very scary. I have repeated this over and over again. The next time, I hope to realize it is happening and try to help myself by writing in and asking for help on this site.
I know it is difficult, but try to take care of yourself, eat healthy food, and force yourself to go for a walk, snuggle up or play with your cat.
Just to let you know that I have read your post and feel so sorry That your not ok it’s so hard to be not ok in this world as there is so much expected of everyone , I have similar feelings myself although not as bad , if your quite in work and around people they just let you get on with it while all the time just to be able to talk with some one going through the same feelings would be lovely , I really empathise with you and reading your post or I should say reading between the lines you sound like a fun and nice person who would love to remerge as the old you , I have a little dog myself whom I love so much so I know what you mean when you talk about your cat. Take care and chat again if you would like to
I feel for and I’ve been there, still am to an extent but I am hoping this new med will help. I’m two weeks on Cymbalta. Ssris made me worse. Please try a new med. there is hope xx
You are definitely not alone in this here and we will listen and care. Seems crazy sometimes to care for a stranger but it’s easy to care when we all go through similar things. It’s our pain that connects us. It’s so hard to be real and show all our broken pieces to the people in our everyday lives. There is no judgement here and it’s so freeing to be amongst like minds.
I wish I had some profound and helpful thing to help pull you out of this. Only helpful input I can try to offer is to maybe try a therapist or therapy service online, like Doctor On Demand or TalkSpace if you don’t have a therapist in your area. Also, maybe you can get your meds shipped to your home from an online source so you don’t have to use the local pharmacy. It must be so much worse going through this with gossipy people around. I can see even more why you feel like you have to put on such a facade, and it seems like the hiding is what’s making it so much worse.
I only have pets myself (meaning no kids), and they too have kept me alive...for they are the only reason I find worth sticking around for as well. I would not want to leave them to be cared for by anyone else. They are our saving grace.
I wonder what triggered this bout of depression for you? I’ve heard that depression is anger turned inwards, which is usually self criticism, shame, or feeling unworthy. Obviously this is what therapy is for, but in the meantime, maybe showing yourself some love and care (the way you would take care of friend) will help. Nurture yourself. Give yourself permission. Take care of yourself. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
I relate to so many things you have shared and please do not talk about letting go after your cat. It definitely is a very distressing feeling when your ‘just get through the day’ plan doesn’t work anymore. One would normally say all the cliched things like: life must go on, it will all work out, things will get better. But something is just not ok. And I get it. Believe me I do. You are not alone. Fight the misery. Keep sharing what you are feeling with people here. Find solace in interacting with strangers as close ones sometimes just do not get it, as much as they love you. But don’t let that dishearten you. You are strong since you continue to go to work. I was not able to do that and probably should have fought harder. One thing that keeps me going is reading other people’s stories here. I hope you reach deep within yourself and fight this faceless monster we all know as depression.
I can totally relate to what you are saying .. I usually pull out of my depressive state but it’s hard when you don’t want to burden others .. friends , family... so you pull back because it’s too hard to FAKE IT .. I also feel broken as well .. you’ve come to the right forum ..
Hello. I am new here also and began to feel like I was alone in my depressed, anxious, sad, angry, burnt out feelings. I am not and neither are you. Hugs to you.
I'm not great with depression, but in reading your post you are very hard on yourself. I've noticed ppl who are depressed say they hate themselves, leading to the disease.
First step in getting better is to love yourself. There's only one of you, you're unique and special in your own way. Even flawed in your own way. There won't be another you ever, so start loving yourself. Start telling yourself and others what's good about you.
Dearest coastalblue,I hear you too and unfortunately understand your pain. To lose joy in anything in your feels just horrible!!! Honey this is the nature of depression. It's not fun ,just as you said,all joy is gone. I was so bad at one stage, I felt so different and inadequate that I could barely stand the thought of being with my once closest friends. I was so low and it went for so long that I lost even hope I'd get better. Any way my point is that if I can get better anyone can. I'm telling you that so you know you WILL get better. It took time ,but it's worth it!!!!! To get any happiness back has brought me even more joy because I know how precious it is. I drank my way through the depression ,I was soooo desperate for relief!! ,still have a drink here and there but just don't need it anymore,so I understand that too. I don't know what actually cured me,was it all those thousands of hours of prayer? Or just time? The meds I tried here and there? I don't know, probably a bit of everything. Now I've cut right back on drinking the antidepressants I'm on have more of chance too,so I'm staying pretty good . I've tried a few and Ive found escalatopram the best ,been on it maybe 10 months and hardly any side effects, I didn't think it'd really work tbh but don't want to go back to that hell hole,and I'm sure it helps!!! You aren't doing so well,be kind to yourself,give yourself time,you are that important.Walk into the chemist with your held held high,it's hard enough going through this without feeling judged, because you're an intelligent,and good person and that's what we do when we aren't well,we seek doctor s help. I still occasionally cringe at bumping into an old frenemy from my home town ,so I do get it. So much more I'd like to say to you but must stop somewhere. Sending care and understanding your way .,be kind to yourself and give that cat as many cuddles as you like,mine have brought me soooo much comfort ,and helped get me through ❤️😸
You are right that this is something you need a doctor for. I feel that anytime anxiety is affecting your family and friend relationships then you do need a therapist or doctor help.
Remember this is winter time and many people have seasonal depression which can decrease once the sun comes out spring.
My advice if you think the lack of sunlight is making worst the first sunny day go outside for a walk.
Next advice is get some art canvas and start drawing at first it will look bad but you will improve.
Are you working? If you can get on the right meds you be okay! I know it seems hopeless because I have tried so many drugs and eventually you will find the right one don’t give up
You aren't alone. We all express ourselves in different ways, but pain is pain and the fact that you're in pain is what matters. You need a plan of some kind to help you through -- you can't pull yourself out alone. I'm happy to brainstorm with you -- there must be resources around to which you can avail yourself that won't compromise your privacy or anonymity.
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