Where’s that safe fun life I know can exist? I’ve been in a great mood lately because I’m on meds that are working because I’ve been not putting too much pressure on myself when I think of what I want to do in the future and plus I love the summer sun ...this morning I woke up way early at 2:40 am and did some gardening went for a run did stuff with my kids got home and now I want it back, the feeling good...I have a very harsh feeling that something is terribly wrong tugging at me. I guess this outlook depends on how I choose to look at it but it seems like I have no control. I can conjure up glimpses of the sun/happiness/signs that things are ok but I can’t seem to hold onto it. I feel like a totally different person slipping down down down. The world seems scary. People seem strange and distant. I feel sick and guilty like im just not good enough. I think how am I going to make it here in this place? Where within all this do I actually belong. because I feel I am not to be right here. I keep trying to control what I’m thinking letting go of the crap you know but even my heart is just vulnerable having a time like it’s lost it’s way like I have to put up my guard.
Sinister outlook covering the sun - Anxiety and Depre...
Sinister outlook covering the sun
Be here now, not in the past not in future. everything is a lesson, what will be will be, xxx
Ok I will do my best to be here now. I am glad you are here. Thanks.
Guilt shame is a concept of man. everything is a lesson, mistakes are lessons to be learned, we are here to learn. if we did not make mistakes we would learn nothing !!!!!! I am always here remember that, Ray. xx
I think I am stubborn and I keep pushing for some things to work a certain way even when there is the better way right in front of me. I know the better way. I keep sabotaging myself. I need a break from myself I need to be easy on myself now.
Hi Starrlight, I understand what you’re feeling. I try to hold on to good images and feelings. But as my therapist says “Thoughts are not facts’ ,
Even the good imaginations.
So if we have a bad thought we are supposed to let it go and not fight it. It’s not easy.
Today I got myself in a bind because I had some harm OCD thoughts and they seem to be coloring my whole day. Yesterday was so different, I was anxious but in a decent mood. All because of thoughts.
We really can’t control them.
I pray and try to be in the present and that helps. I’m thankful for the good moods
And then I get anxious and worried about whatever and
Scare myself. One thing at a time is how I need to be.
Prayers for you.
LD
Wow thanks so much for sharing. I was also having harm thoughts. Sometimes I think I can let them go but other times I can’t. I’m sorry you get scared too. Ok so we pray and try our best to be in present. I think also keep busy. And then when I’ve put my body through so much that I have to rest then what? Hmmm trying for one thing at a time is good. 🙏 😊
Thank you Star for being so specific and candid about how you are feeling. You are awesome. I wish we lived closer, we could go out for coffee or tea😊
Anyway, I think what you experienced today is normal. Yes, thats my opinion, im not a Dr. What I do know is that in the last few years Ive done tremendous inner work and one of the things Ive learned is we are all human and we all have emotions & to sit in the emotion (negative emotions) is a part of life.
It's OK that the emotion is present. What is not ok is to allow it to take over. Emotions come and go..sadness, frustration, anger, etc they come and go (and so do the good emotions even tho we would like to sit in them for eternity but that's not realistic)
So what Im trying to say is you were having a great day and in a great mood and then a thought or an event happened that made you feel negative. You are human and that is totally normal. Yesterday, I got into an argument in real life with someone. I was mad for a few hours. I was feeling nervous about it. Guess what? Thats totally normal.
I had to process it and let it pass and go.
I went to 2 parties today and Im feeling great..lol
I hope this helps and I hope I made sense..lol
You r doing great. Proud of u!
XxSunni❤
Awww cool thanks so much! You’re so great!!! Yeah maybe it’s normal eh? I don’t know. It doesnt seem normal because it’s such a swing to go from high off life to thoughts of suicide everything got so different so dark you know like everything seems ugly dirty lies. Hmmmm but maybe I just let my emotions get out of control. Maybe there are things I can do differently to stop the spiral.
Aww..you're welcome. Thank u!! You're great too💜Ok well then that's good that you stated more about it.. Are u seeing a therapist? If you are experiencing the highs and lows so extreme then it might be something to look into.
I’m getting a new therapist soon. i don’t know if I’ll be able to open up or not,... oh well. I’m getting so tired in life you know ? I don’t want a person trying to lead me or thinking they can tell me what I should be doing because they have no idea about me you know.
Yes! I can totally understand that Star. And it is 100% your decision if u want to make changes. You may not want to change. And that is OK too. It is your life. You can do whatever you want to do.
I chose to see a therapist & get on meds bc I wanted to know wth was going on with me. I didnt have to do that to be happy. I wanted to do that. It was my choice.
If you choose to make changes getting the right therapist is the key. A person who you click with is everything. Not every therapist is the same. Everyone has a different personality & may have a different approach as well.
True so how is your therapy going? I want to be open to possibilities but right now I tend to keep my guard up. I tend to get defensive and feel judged so I think I need to look at that and ask why and make some changes there. I think to open up about myself I need to feel more comfortable being who I am... then maybe I can expect to get somewhere.
Best to you!!!!!!! ❤️
It is funny bc you dont seem like a closed off person at all!!😊
I understand that this site is a different situation than speaking to someone face to face. So it just goes to show you just need to feel comfortable and safe. That is all that it is. You will find the right therapist. I will pray on that.
My therapy is going awesome. My therapist is very good & I click w her. Ive made a lot of progress. My life has changed for the better.
Keep me posted. I want to know how you are doing!
I’m happy for ya Sunnidayz ☀️ Your life changing for the better is such a beautiful gift 😊
Hi Starlight
I understand what you feel.
They are just thoughts and will pass.
My lovely mum who sadly passed away 3 years ago and I think about everyday had alot of strength, kindness and wisdom. She had such a positive outlook on life even in great adversity at the end and would always try to raise the spirits of those around her in a gentle way. She was the most empathic and supportive person to all people and animals that I ever came across.
She had something to say, an old expression which was easy to dismiss as just one of her little sayings when I was young but I now know how much sense it makes.
"Nothing's good or bad but thinking makes it so."
Thanks mum, you are there for me again.
Thinking of you Starlight, (she would have loved that name) and everyone who is having to deal with dark thoughts.
Best wishes
Kim
That is so special and I will take with me your mom’s words. Thank you thank you thank you. So very special to share that with me. ((((((((Kkimm)))))))))) ❤️
Hello Starr I see how far you've come and sounds like you're going to do great moving forward. I get anxiety sometimes I have a saying from an old friend this too shall pass this too shall pass I keep telling myself and I will get through it and so will you and do it with a smile in your heart. I always tell people watch funny movies. Give a shelter pet a home. Keep talking to urself that all is well. Listen to yr favorit music. Sending u love hugs.
Samson thanks for the encouragement and I love how you say to do it with a smile in my heart ❤️ . Love hugs backatchya my friend. Blessings to you.
Hi Starrlight. 🌟
I really hope you are feeling better today.
It sounds as if you generally have a very positive approach to life and so I really hope you have managed to escape from those gloomy thoughts. Perhaps you had over done it when you got up so early to do gardening etc. I find since I developed GAD that I get more tired and have to rest alot but am still very busy with lots of things I do. I am off to rehearse with my singing group this morning as we have a concert coming up soon, I will then go to see the film Rocket man about the life of Elton John this afternoon.
I definitely have swings in mood since being on my medication Venlafaxine or Effexor in the States. Do you live in the States, if so where abouts if you do not mind me asking?
It was more in the early days that I could go from really happy to a sudden gloomy feeling like you described. It would generally pass very quickly. I think the key is not to worry about it, not overthink it, just let it pass as it surely will.
I have been on Venlafaxine for nearly two years now and I am great all the time now, just get a few remaining mild symptoms mostly in the morning. My mood and anxiety level are consistently very good.
I live in a pretty part of North Essex just on the Suffolk borders in the UK, South East England. It is near where the painter Constable lived and we can visit the spot where the famous painting The Haywain was painted. It has remained almost completely unspoiled, as it was when he painted it, just a lovely river with ancient cottage and the old white weatherboard mill building opposite which is now converted for groups of budding artists to come and stay and art classes are run. There are alot bad reproductions of The Haywain minus it's hay wagon, done there I can tell you.
I really like the photo by the way. Unusual flower with a strange looking 🐝 . I love photography and wildlife and have a big, at present rather overgrown garden with a wildlife pond. I also love cooking and fresh vegetables from the garden and we grow lots of our own vegetables and fruit. We are still using last year's black currents, cooking apples and raspberries from the freezer.
What do you grow in your garden?
Be lovely to hear from you if you feel like writing.
Kim
Hey there! So nice meeting you. I live in Virginia right outside of D.C. Best to you at your concert how cool.
It sounds like you live in a dreamy part of the world. So so So niiiiiice. So far I am growing tomatoes, strawberries and blackberries and there’s also a pear tree in my back yard. I think I’ll get some vegetables soon too.
Have a beautiful day filled with love joy and peace ❤️
Hi Starrlight
The concert went really well thanks. We were singing at a country show, rainy and windy and one of the songs was called Ready for the storm so that raised a smile with the audience. We were also meant to sing the George Harrison (from the Beatles) classic Here Comes the sun but we were not allowed to sing it because our singing teacher thought it needed a few more rehersals so we blamed her for the weather, Lol!!
Virginia sounds cool too. My geography of the USA is not very good I am afraid. I am not sure what you mean by DC. I am thinking Washington DC but did not think that is near Virginia. What is your climate like? It sounds a bit like ours with the fruit and veggies you mentioned you grow. I am harvesting broad beans and globe artichokes at present and have just planted courgettes and runner beans and I planted potatoes about a month ago.
We are warmer and drier than the rest of the UK but still cool and wet compared to alot of the States.
Hope you have a better day today, I think I read you were not feeling so good recently.
Kim
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