Sad & Relieved & Sad Again

[IvorZuKo]

My mother was not kind to me growing up. She was not kind to me as an adult. She died in March of 2019 and this will be the first holiday season without her. I found out when she died that she earnestly lied to me about so many things which alienated me from my siblings and my cousins. I feel I was her vessel of hatred. Even as she lay dying with just me for company (my siblings couldn't handle watching her pass so they left me alone with her) she still managed to express her hatred to me. Hatred she felt at everything but managing to explain it off as life and a mother's love.

Which is why now that she's gone I feel sad and relief and sad again. I cannot fathom why she chose me to pour all her bitterness, anger, disappointment and hatred into me, making me this angry, petty shadow of a person.

Sad because I could never understand why she did this to me, her first born. Relief because I don't have to ever juggle who I am versus what she hated. Then sad again because I will never get a chance to get it "fixed".

Now my husband's family, who are extremely close respectful and loving of each other, will all be coming to my house for a major reunion with their mother visiting from another country who they have not seen in over 20 years. Of all years this one.

I hate the holidays.

[Hidden]

That is a difficult situation. Did they ask you if you were ok with hosting the event? I think it is insensitive of them to put this on you. Ive had similar situations over the years as our home always seemed to be the meeting place for my out of state dysfunctional family members to meet up. Back then I was younger and just endured it. Now, Im 66 and look back and wish I would have said no more often. Now the dysfunctional annoying ones have died... I miss them but still see the stupid stuff I endured at my expense and wish I had more insight then.

If you are stuck with the situation, maybe just be honest and at the right time during their visit, explain to them your pain. Hopefully they will gather around you and love on you and show you what a loving family can feel like. Maybe you will have a new mom💜 when the visit is over

[NeuronerdDoaty]

There’s a saying that some women give birth to their pain, not to a child. I am also my mothers pain.

You explained my relationship with my mother perfectly. I am her ‘whipping post’. I am alienated and gaslighted by her.

My Pops is dying. She needs my help. There’s no one else. When he dies she’ll find out what alienation means.

Her untreated mental issues were taken out on you and for that I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us. It means they don’t know how to be insightful and heal their own inner cuts and bruises. It means they live in fear of their own brains. It’s so sad for them. That’s why we seek healing. We don’t want to repeat their mistake.

I still won’t be there for my mom. She’s not an idiot. But, I know her past is not my present or future. Her words are on her.

Release her pain. Put her down. She’s too big to carry the rest of your life. The pain someone gave her is not your responsibility. Bury it with her. Write it on paper and bury it like she’s been buried. Burn the papers. Give it back to her. Don’t confuse her with other people.

You can do this.

Doaty

[NWGal]

I understand where you are coming from friend. My adoptive mother was narcissitic and manipulative. I'm 64 now and she died in 1988. You might want to look at the series on Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) by Dr. Jonice Webb. I think it might resonate with you. Throughout my life I was the "parent" to my mother who also suffered from bipolar disorder. She became so manipulative in the end I was so relieved when she died. People she knew told me all sorts of things contrary to the lies she perpetrated my whole life to that point. Through therapy was able to reconcile (for the most part) the damage she did to me. I was able to reunify with my dad who she made out to be the devil. He turned out to be my biggest ally. As far as guilt goes, my therapist posed the question "what could you be expected to know"? The insight you mention is on a time continuum - you could not be expected to "know" certain things. You and I naturally believed our mothers - that's natural. We were betrayed. I came to understand my mother's mental health disorders and came to the conclusion she probably shouldn't have had children. I put it to bed and started anew. The only healthy thing I could do. Of course I still have depression and anxiety but it's my responsibility to do what I can to have a "normal" life (whatever that is). Hope this helps a little sweetie.

[Booklover0219]

It’s very sad that you are still carrying this pain around. That’s very sad to me. I have to reflect on this because I have done something similar and have never figured out how to just let it all go. I don’t think we will ever, ever understand it. I have driven myself crazy trying to understand things that will never make sense. I hope in time you are able to find some peace in all of this. I wish you all the best. Also, I’m not a fan of the holidays either.

[Tealribbon]

Oh Ivor.....My mother passed in March of this year. That is the reason I found this site. I am the first born too and she lied about me to my younger siblings and other family members including my adult children. I understand the relief vs pain. I was with her when she passed. I, like you, always wanted to "get it right". Isn't is ironic that we tried so hard for so long? It's still pretty fresh for me. I don't have any words of wisdom, I am hurting and confused too. One thing I do know, is that after so many years of the toxic relationship it is very difficult to "bury the past" on a dime. I am hoping that as time passes it will ease up and the confusion will lift. I am also struggling with the Holidays. Sending hugs and prayers.... I'm so sorry.

[kenster1]

hi im really sorry to read of your loss.i had a difficult relationship with my dad till I was 38 I was known in some quarters a the bxxxxxd child it was really tough but we ended up working it out and had some good times together but I was still a little boy hurting for love and affection.grieving throws up everything and difficult being your first Christmas but I actually think it can be good for you being around people is important and you can still have your time to think of your mum.

[kenster1 in reply to kenster1]

we also have a forum on here called bereavement care and share it may help you along with this forum its only a smallish community but very supportive and understanding.