So as I was growing up my mom always told me to conceal my emotions from everyone around when I was feeling my anxiety or depression and to only cry or let them out when I was at home or alone. I’ve spent so much time suppressing my feelings and shutting them off to the outside world that when I heard my cousin had died from cancer I was numb. I didn’t feel anything. My mind just went blank. I felt like I barely knew her and that I had almost no connection other than mere blood. Then at her funeral I heard people talking about her and I started to realize that I knew her a decent amount. And I did start to cry. When I got home the emotions overwhelmed me and I started to have a panic attack. With everything swirling I went into a depression and couldn’t sleep. I feel really uncomfortable being around my family now(it’s only been two days). I am Jewish and we have this thing called shiva where the parents and siblings of the deceased mourn for seven days and everyone comes to visit them. Because I’m family I’m spending a lot of time there and I just feel like I’m going to explode while I’m there. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I guess because I don’t see my therapist until Thursday and needed to get this off my chest.
If you read this much, thank you. I really appreciate it.
Being alone
It’s not enough 
Numb
Feeling alone
Sorry
