Possible trigger warning and babbling for an inordinate amount of time.
I want to start by saying sorry for abruptly not posting (especially with the daily reminders) even though it hasn’t really been that long. I’ve had a lot of stuff going on with me or things I’m trying to do or overcome and I tend to get distant when I do that, especially when I get stressed.
Besides the obvious such as Covid and the fact that I’m still not really going out very much, I’ve been very in my head lately but everyone who knows me well enough knows that these days I’m often in my head.
As much as I hate admitting it, I find that when I’m usually in this mindset just about anything makes me irritable or make me lose my sense of caring (does that make grammatical sense?) by this I mean I love helping people however I can but when I’m in this mindset or mood, I lack the capacity to care or I tend to lash out. Not intentionally but I just start feeling overwhelmed with the amount of weight that gets added to my already sore and tired shoulders. It makes me feel worse later on. One of the many reasons why I feel like a b*tch.
Another thing for those who know me well enough, I have a REALLY bad habit of comparing myself to other people and that’s usually heightened during this time ironically enough. I’ve been feeling disappointed with my lack of results from working out and eating better and so I’m feeling like my body will never get into better shape. (I know it doesn’t happen over night and takes time and that I also have to keep at it, I’m well aware it’s just disheartening at times.)
I also lose interest in most things whilst in this mood, things I enjoy or interest in just about anything other than sleeping. It’s that whole “what’s the point?” mindset. I’ve been frustrated for a few months now because I’ve been applying to essentially anywhere I can and have heard NOTHING back from anywhere. I live in a small rural town which is predominantly(?) family business so you’re not getting in unless you know them and even then we’re in lockdown again (thanks Ford 🙄). I’ve mostly been looking online for jobs I can do from home but I literally have not heard back from anywhere since LAST MARCH. I’m beginning to lose hope.
And finally, I’ve been bothered by the fact that it seems that these days real gets you hated and fake is loved or whatever. I’m not saying by any stretch that I’m a super real person or whatever but I don’t think I’m fake but maybe that’s a biased opinion, I don’t know. But I have a pretty cynical view of the world these days and I truly hate it.
Not really relevant but I’m also doing an over the phone consult with my doctor to try to get back onto my ADHD medication, I’m hoping it’ll help with my ever racing mind and maybe in doing so, help my panic but I’m not sure if that’s how it’ll work but 🤷🏻♀️ also I may not be getting on it if it’s too expensive and god knows meds are NOT cheap...
Anyway, I apologize for abruptly stopping the daily reminders. I just felt that it would be hypocritical of me to be posting them when I’m not even taking my own advice.
Despite this, PLEASE take care of yourself. Drink some water (hydrate) and get something to eat. Take your meds and make that appointment. Get some fresh air or exercise. Spend time with your loved ones. And know that you’re wanted, loved and that you matter.
I don’t know if I’m going to post again anytime soon but I just wanted to post this just in case.
Take care, and I hope you’re doing well. 🖤
Medicated
sorry about the last post/comments.
I’m sorry I just need to complain for a moment...
