Relationship anxiety - How do I heal? (turned into a rant)

[hydroplain]

So I have been having a LOT of anxiety that emerged when I got into this relationship. My relationship isn't ideal. I'm gay and the guy that I am dating is not out. The relationship is also a long distance relationship (2hrs apart) and he is a workaholic. So many red flags, I know... We fell in love and everything was going great. Suddenly I started getting anxiety with the distance as I was unsure about his true intentions. I was afraid of losing him. Since he isn't out, he was afraid to talk to me when people were around so he would call every night before bed and that was the only time we would get to talk (in the beginning). I developed anxiety about missing the call since all I wanted was to talk to him since the relationship was new. We only saw each other a few times a month because he couldn't get himself away from work (he works with his family) without telling them where he was going and he couldn't tell them he was coming to see me... His family is very close and even though it seems absurd that an adult has to have a reason to tell his family to go somewhere, it is his reality... Being apart was very hard for me and to add to the matters, I took off to England for school for 2 months which the time difference didn't help things at all! 3 months into the relationship I felt that I had to do everything I could being across seas to solidify the relationship for when I got back.... This KILLED my anxiety and next thing I know, my anxiety disorder was worse than ever when I got back. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. I was a MESS. He moved in for 5 months for work and I didn't feel comfortable around him since we barley knew each other and I was dealing with deliberating anxiety that I could not fix.

I did EVERYTHING. Meditation, yoga, mindfulness, eating healthy, exercising, therapy, acupuncture (expensive..), and my last resort was medication. He was considerate to my situation that I couldn't hide from him since we lived together... During February of this year I started getting my baring but my anxiety towards him was still there... I got through it and come April he left back to his hometown to work (he's a farmer + his family's business) which put the initial problems of our relationship back. It's now that time of the year that he's back moving in with me and going home on the weekends but my anxiety is STILL HERE.

I know the relationship has so many red flags, and I have gotten fed up. My health is deteriorated and I need to heal. I didn't want my anxiety to get in the way of a relationship (it never did before) but this one I just can't shake it. The past 2 weeks he has been here during the week for work and we have talked. I have let out EVERYTHING that was inside of me (I think almost all of it) and I have called him out on the obvious problems. My friends have even called him out and it is certain that things need to change.

He's not out, and that causes him to treat me the way he does. That is the biggest problem and I sympathize for him and I wanna help him through it but I got myself that I got to take care of to. Yesterday we talked, and came up with a plan for him. He wants to slowly meet people and embrace us as a couple, he will answer my calls even if his family is around, and he will begin to introduce me as a friend. I am fine with these resolutions, I believe they will help us a lot.

But in the meantime, I have this anxiety. With all this crap that has happen, I feel anxiously attached to him. I swear I developed PTSD over this crap because I have never been this kind of person. When he talks about going to see a friend on the nights he comes to my place, my stomach just sinks and I know that it is healthy to let him go, but for my sickness to go away I don't want him to leave. I feel sick and uneasy. All day I just have this feeling like something is horribly wrong and my energy is depleted which is preventing me from focusing. We talk every night on the phone and it means a lot to me, so much that I have actually stopped myself from going out with my friends past 9 because I want to be available to take the calls.

I feel that my independence and power has been taken from me and I don't know how to get it back. I need this to go away. Us talking and letting out all the emotions that I had bottled inside helped, and we came up with a plan which is good. But I just don't want my anxiety to tell me that this is enough and to break up with him. Breaking up with him is constantly on my mind as a response to my "flight-or-fight" response. I just don't want my anxiety to take this away from me if we are actively trying to work through it.

What can I do other than end this? I need my life back.