I don't know how to get back to normal me.

[Zed1998]

Hello world once again.Recently I wrote a post containing a brief history of my life and (as it seemed to me), my illness. And I managed to miss the most important thing. Do not ask how.

My mother began helping stray animals about five to six years ago. At first I was glad. And then a stream of negative emotions hit me. Because of the animals that I could not save, because of the animals, it was impossible to keep track of the fates of. I saw the corpse of a shot dog with puppies all next to it, I constantly found out about new animal deaths. One of the dogs had a throat cut (someone had nothing to eat) and had to be euthanized. I was just surrounded by death and misery. Even now, I know too much that I would not want to not know because my mother is still doing this. I stopped when I realized HOW it hurts me.I used to be very emotional. And these emotions are still in me, but they are buried under a pile of ash. Under the mechanism that began to vaporize them. I remember that I wanted to feel nothing three years ago. And now, the most acute emotions for me are fear, irritation and sadness. I can still feel something but it almost nothing. I can feel almost no happiness or joy. Oh yes, and if this can help you understand what is happening to me, I have a certain mechanism. I can imagine the hand and the black hole in the middle of my chest, and when the hand goes into this hole, I stop feeling.

I need an advice. And, if possible, the interlocutor. Thanks to everyone who reads this.

[mjcll41]

That's a very interesting mechanism. I think you need to create another mechanism for the good. Yes it's true that if you allow positive emotions you need to allow negative emotions, but you seem to be overly sensitive.

As to that over-sensitivity, I would suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is very easy to do yourself and the basic premise is that if you think better, you feel better. You are a wonderful person who has a gift that an increasing amount of humans do not have - it's called giving a crap. You don't want to stop giving a crap, but you also do need to know your limits and not go beyond them. If helping your mother stands the chance of seeing things you can't deal with, ask her if you could only do the feeding and caring for the animals who are not emaciated, etc. Or maybe you just need to not do what she does. Maybe working with a shelter or veterinarian or just adopt your own pets.

Overall, based on what you wrote, you need to put a filter on your negativity. Yes, life has death in it. Yes, you need to be able to deal with death. Death is normal. Eventually your mother will die, but that is normal. Hopefully you won't die until it's time for you to do so of old age. Again, this is normal. I suggest a belief in the afterlife, but that's up to you. When you come up against something you think you may be unable to deal with, you need to use the black hole - BUT say to yourself something to the effect of, "I care, but this lies beyond my limits. At best, perhaps I can alert someone who can handle this, but I cannot, so I need to return to things I can handle." Then stick your hand in the "white hole", or whatever you decide to call it, and soothe yourself with something like, "This is tragic, I cannot handle this tragedy, but there are other people in the world who can, and I will leave it to them. There are negative things I can handle, and I will return to them; plus I will find positive things to concentrate on." That way your emotions will not end up "under a pile of ash".

Does that make sense?

What do you think?

[Zed1998 in reply to mjcll41]

Sorry, English is my second language, and I can't believe it, but after two proofreads I still made a mistake. I forgot to mention a little thing. I feel almost nothing. Recently I cremate died puppy, and I felt ... nothing. Sorry, that I mislead you and thanks for your support.

[mjcll41 in reply to Zed1998]

No problem. What is your first language?

[Zed1998 in reply to mjcll41]

Russian.

[AnxM in reply to mjcll41]

I'm very interested in CBT. Can you please share a technique that has helped you? Thank you!

[Zed1998]

Sorry, I needed to edit this THIRD time to get it right.

[AnxM in reply to Zed1998]

It sounds like you experienced traumatic stress. It's not easy to recover without professional help. If you're not seeing a therapist, I hope you seek some help soon.