I knew my happy high would eventually crumble given the nature of the beast. My thoughts continue to ruminate over the loss of a friend (coworker who sits a wall away from me). Replaying the conversation we had a month ago still haunts me. Expressing my feelings towards an unpleasant situation resulted in an unfavorable response: "I feel like everything I do is never good enough for you."
It's a reminder every day that I let someone else down, again. I expected too much again. Threw too much out there again. Expected someone to dodge my fire hoops of trust and figure out the narrow path that leads to my broken self again. Too difficult to love. Too difficult to get to know. Too much for someone to handle. Not worth the time or energy. An emotional vampire that deserves a good stab in the chest.
I'm disappointed in myself, yet I can't change the past. I shouldn't dwell on such things. Despite seeing this pattern, I can't stop myself. Now that I am seeing a therapist, I hope to train my mind given nothing else is working. I'm trying to think positively, but it's not currently working. So very frustrating when you want something so badly but your mind won't let you. These tears won't stop and I am so tired of crying at work like this in silence.
I see an amazing strong person who is pretty cool and nice. I know your in a storm now but I know you'll get through this. I wish I could say something awesome that would make you feel better.
Hey go easy on yourself, everybody has emotional hoops that we put people through, and things we hold onto way too long. I’m really sorry that happened to your friend, and you really shouldn’t push that to go away before you find some peace with it. No one is too difficult to know, it takes time and effort and we’re all complicated and you deserve people who want to know you well enough to bear the fact that you’re a real, human person.
Thank you very much. So many people here understand those feelings which helps a lot. I'm very hard on myself by nature (I'm one of those perfectionists). But ultimately, you're absolutely right. It's weird because I would 'love' to have peace, but my mind won't stop fixating on everything I did wrong. But therapy is helping so much.
Yes, exactly. Thank you so much for that reminder. Really appreciate your comment.
What are you doing in therapy that is helping you?
I'm constantly in my head thinking of what I have done wrong in my life and even about how stupid something was that I just said to someone. I'm constantly overanalyzing things. I'm jealous of people that go through life dumb and happy. I'm just not built that way.
For me, I am finding that talk therapy has been a successful solution. Talking matters out and having someone guide me along the way allows me to see where the true issues lie. Is it the depression talking? Is it how I am handling it? Do I need to adjust my thinking? Or it is that I am not associating with healthy people?
My therapist is able to help me be rational and provides new views on how I can better cope with situations. Like you, I too overthink everything I say or do, but that's what she has called 'negative filtering' which is something we lovely folks who suffer from depression tend to do. I know this is going to take time to adjust, but I think I'll eventually have a healthier mindset given she has been a good fit for me.
I hope you're able to find what works best for you.
I understand about pushing too hard, even beating up on self. Sometimes we have to accept that we did good enough and are good enough before we even make any effort... we are enough just being us...but I guess a lot of us are continually working on believing that. I’m sorry about your friend ❤️ and I’m sorry you are feeling weak and numb. I wish I could take it away for you...hoping it turns into something more comfortable for you soon.
Yes, it seems like a common trait for those who suffer from depression & anxiety. We are often our worst enemies in these situations. Starrlight, you couldn't have phrased it better, you're right. We want to desperately believe that we are GOOD enough and yet...it just isn't enough sometimes.
Aw...me too honestly. She pulled me out of the dark roughly seven years ago when I was on the brink of killing myself (again). It was nice to have someone swoop in and see a person behind the muck and grime. We've known each other since high school, so this feels so much more painful because we also work at the same establishment and are a panel away from each other seating wise.
So whenever she talks to other coworkers, it's like a constant stab because we are so close distance-wise, but emotionally continents apart. Deep down, I know she cares, but it's not the same anymore. That threshold has crumbled all by my doing and there's nothing else I can do except accept it and move on. Some days, like today, the silent treatment kills me as she openly speaks for hours to our other coworker who is bipolar, depressed, anxious and OCD.
That's how I feel about everyone here too. I would love to release their pain and put it on myself. But I suppose that's why we are here; we do our best to help other wounded souls. Thank you for your thoughtful comment
(((((((((((Gentle Hug)))))))))))) you are amazing ... yeah why can’t we feel good enough... I think if we have had a critical parent growing up that would be one reason and then there’s the mental illness that either nature or nurture or both has given us to sort through... we are usually sensitive and compassionate toward others and we need to be that to ourselves we really must try we deserve that. ❤️
Sweetie you cant change the past no one can, you can learn from it or you can repeat old patterns & continue beating yourself up & highlighting what you see as your faults.
Your getting help from a Therapist and your looking at things you want to change about your relationships with others.
It's easy to blame ourselves for failures in relationships & it even easier to view ourselves as unloveable, not good enough to do..... , not clever enough, not pretty enough, just plain not enough!
It's more difficult to look at situations dispassionately & take away the need for blame, your therapist should help you develop these skills.
Try to be kinder to yourself, identify positive things about yourself.
Turn negative statements you highlight into positive ones.
Keep a journal of nice, helpful positive comments and reread them regularly.
Find a positive statement about yourself and say it out loud every day while looking in a mirror. Even something as simple as "I am a worthwhile positive, hard working independent woman & I deserve to have relationships that are kind, understanding, trusting and worthwhile
Hope you soon start to feel better about yourself. x
Thank you so much for your kind reply, it's very much appreciated!
Absolutely, you're correct! We can't let the past be our present nor can we allow our mistakes to be a constant while we move forward. I agree, my therapist has been amazing so far, so I am very thankful that she has been able to provide the help I need currently.
Funnily enough, I had seen a therapist growing up for a very long time and even as an adult, I have had a few sessions here or there with new people. Sometimes you can know what you need to do, but there are moments those tools stop working and you need to try a different approach.
Though I really like your suggestions, I definitely need to do that. Thank you for all your great advice!
I love that you actually showed us your picture! Yes I know how it feels to want something you used to have expressed so easily and now it feels like you will never have it. I would encourage you to share everything with you therapist and be kind to yourself. I am in the boat with you...
Thank you. I knew it would be a risk, but I figured it might be nice to show my face. I also look like a child, but I'll be 34 this year.
Anyway, yes yes yes. I am completely there with you. Absolutely, I am so thankful I have a therapist who is actually helpful. Waiting week to week becomes unbearable as I am sure you know! Glad we can relate and help each other. Thank you for your comment.
Borges wrote that if he could go back in time he probably couldn't have done anything a little better or worse than he had. I've fantasized about going back and confronting my younger self and saying, "You need to pay attention because this doesn't last." But would me then be in a position to listen to me now? If we walked past each other would happy past me even recognize miserable me now? Probably not. It's hard to express how similar a lot of us are feeling, but I'm sure we are.
Funny, right? I've heard very similarily phrased things in my time. But it makes perfect sense. We can not escape making mistakes. Knowing we can't change anything is part of acceptance. But how we handle things now? All mental gymnastics as my one coworker jokingly says. It's so true.
Doesn't sound like joking to me, it sounds completely accurate. Who do I have to be and for how long today until I can just rest and break down honestly for a bit? It's exhausting.
It most definitely is. I think she makes jest of her situation as one does when they are equally dealing with emotional issues. It's a way to cope and I suppose I am guilty of that too. Yes, it's very exhausting.
Yup. I think about Robin Williams often. Actually, a lot of people who are famous are too (I know, nothing earthshattering there). But even people like Kate Spade...Anthony Bourdain...most had no idea. Being depressed also makes you an excellent actor.
hi I used to be called the smiler when I was younger but life changed in many ways and I changed in many ways.gone was the every day smile only recently I mean weeks ive become stronger at dealing with situations that I probably couldn't cope with before.sadly we cant change the past but we can be the makers of a positive future.we might not get the level of happiness from years gone by but its in our hands and we mustn't let it go to have a decent level of happiness.time is a healer usually in many ways and hopefully your friendship heals as well.i don't have any pictures really of happier times my ex tore every picture from birth I had any recent pictures are surrounded by real sadness within.think of your health and the things you are learning from your therapist take them home with you and put them into practice.things will change it might not be the old you but it will be a more determined stronger you.
Forgive yourself.....stop beating yourself up for being honest....we will always be learning filters, boundaries, etc....and one thing I had to learn too was that sometimes what we share with people who are seemingly friends we thought we could share more details with....are not really at that level of friend, and they may just have their own issues to feel to really want to get too close, it's always a mixed bag with friendships.
There are boundaries some of us have to just learn as we go....and sometimes we don't know what crosses the line for some people but that is on them too, not just us over sharing. Often many are in a protective mode and we may have just gotten too close to the flame for them, so they withdraw....
You cannot know sometimes how someone will react, that is not your fault...play your cards a bit closer to the chest for a while and accept that you cannot change what was, or what is going to happen tomorrow....we have no control over that,...just how we choose to accept what is for now.
Now I understand what people meant when they told me I was too hard on myself. And how they felt bad for me. I just want to tell you to stop beating yourself up, but I’d be hypocritical. i spent years of self loathing. I always felt like I was walking around behind myself with a clipboard, checking off my list of wrongs. My self judgement bordered on cruelty and I punished myself with mental and emotional weapons of guilt, shame, anger and hate.
I felt like I had to justify my existence because I wasn’t worthy to be alive. I was wrong, knew it, but was powerless to change.
Therapy helped uncover the causes, but best of all it gave me tools to get better. I pray you receive the same. Try to treat yourself as you would treat a sick friend. Hugs to you. Lynne
I don’t think you should look at it like people don’t do good enough for you. I think you should keep people a little more distant. Only a few people earn the whole you with your heart. Everyone else is nice acquaintances so you expect less. People don’t impress me. My ‘friends’ earn me and I earn them. It takes time.
I see what you're saying. It makes sense as most people already have their core group of friends or most just don't want to invest much time in others. There's one friend in my life with whom I can say has 'earned' me as I have earned them. And you're right, it does take time.
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I need some words of encouragement so please reply if you are willing.
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Feeling a Little Helpless
