Advice ?

[iceprincess111]

I have been very depressed lately because My boyfriend committed suicide a few months ago and I still can't seem to get over this.. I feel like its my fault for not being able to help him..

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Well my dear you haven’t even gotten to the grief stages yet. You’re still in shock. Of course it’s not your fault. He was a grown man. Get some grief counseling. I do better in groups. Take care of yourself.

Doaty

[Krn210]

I am so sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation as you. Only my best friend took her life. I too felt and sometimes feel like I should have done more. I noticed some behavior changes, but I chalked it up to stress and other life changes. I kept having dreams about her almost nightly and couldn’t talk about her without having a panic attack shortly after. The last time I met with her Mom I was so anxious that I decided I needed to seek therapy. I was so nervous to start but I’m in a much better place now than I was. I am now able to have some pictures of her and I up and can talk about her without wanting to freak out. So yeah, if you aren’t seeing a therapist I would highly recommend it. *hugs*

[iceprincess111 in reply to Krn210]

I'm going through the same thing right now.. especially anxiety attacks.. I am also seeing a therapist too but he doesnt seem to be helping me..

[Krn210 in reply to iceprincess111]

Would it be possible to switch therapists? I am always here to talk too if you want. Sometimes I still feel really anxious when I think or talk about her. I still don’t like it when people ask too many questions.

[Papillonia in reply to Krn210]

You seem like a kind, sweet, loving person. And generous .

I saw your comment and thought I'd suggest for your comfort in therapy to also look for a "relational" therapist (I mentioned in my original comment below).

If you are fairly comfortable with the person you're working with, please know that any therapist worth their salt would absolutely welcome that feedback. If you're uncomfortable with the way the sessions proceed, you are so welcome, generally encouraged to speak up!

Their job is to help you feel better, not uncomfortable.

If you mentioned that you thought you might progress better, say, with more open ended rambling or, whatever it is that helps you feel in control, please try to bring it up!

I know it may sound daunting, but better to change to a more easing situation sooner than later, right? For you. You deserve it. Hugs-- and thanks for being you.

[Krn210 in reply to Papillonia]

Thank you, that was very kind of you to say.

I agree with what you said. I do like my therapist, but am always open to suggestions. 🙂 I will look into a relational therapist. Thank you for responding to me too. *hugs*

[Papillonia in reply to iceprincess111]

Sweetheart, I cannot imagine your grief. Please try to be kind to yourself and know you did everything exactly right. I know that sounds senseless. Should have/would have/could haves are torture you do not need to inflict upon yourself. Not now, not ever.

I have lost friends to suicide. I have severe PTSD and have been suicidal in the past. I don't know if it's of any comfort to say this, and I hope it isn't harmful: if I didn't have a child, nothing in the world would have stopped me from taking my life. I mean nothing. It's not rational. It's almost animal instinct. Get away from the pain.

We live in a complicated world, brains are complicated, sensitive things, and not enough attention is directed toward that.

Friend,

You understandably are experiencing shock and bereavement among other things. I wish I could do more for you... But I can offer this: you need a therapist who specializes in trauma. "Trauma-trained" or "trauma-focused" are keywords you may wish to try. "EMDR" may be helpful for you. Also, if you are sensitive and find the therapist client dynamic feeling like authority-child like, a "relational" therapist is one who behaves more like an equal with their client. They tend to commiserate with you more than take notes and simply ask "how does that make you feel."

You have so much weighing on you, I understand how difficult this process must be to navigate. If your therapist is not trained in dealing with trauma, they are not trained in treating your current condition. If you are feeling strong enough, remember: they work for you. You get to decide who is a good match. You get to decide who doesn't cut it. You deserve and need the best help available right now. Your boyfriend would want that for you.

And remember you can always google for hotlines (I prefer "warmlines" they seem less alarmist to me). There is always someone to talk to. Talk talk talk. Write write write. And please practice self care.

Sending you mental skipping stones to mindfully skim across some glimmering surface that might make you smile. Baskets of smooth stones of self compassion and forgiveness. "I wish I had --" *fling!* Hop-hop-hop-hop... blip. A smile for yourself as the negative thoughts float gently down, for now. And repeat. Don't worry. If you ever need those thoughts again, you can always take a cool dip and fetch them. They'll be resting quietly down below. But right now? Skip, blip, smile. Breathe. Free. Space. Light. Love. Ripples. Bubbles. Peace.

You will get through this, and you have our support. So much love to you. So much.

[Hidden]

You aren’t alone. Many friends, spouses, and family members who lost someone to suicide are left with feelings of guilt. In a certain sense suicide is a selfish act. The person only thinks of their pain and not of the consequences of their actions on the people left after they commit suicide. Have you given any thought to a bereavement support group?

[iceprincess111]

Thank you for those ideas and no I have never seen a bereavement therapist.. how could that be useful for me ?

[LonerWulf]

What you are going through is completely normal my dear friend. Please realize that those feelings of guilt are not real... it is very typical to feel it though. It must be VERY VERY hard, I could imagine. Surround yourself with support, keep updating us on how you feel, and get professional help if you can. Mourning the death of a loved one is a normal but terribly painful process... cannot get away from that. But you come out a better person on the other side. Like Neuronerd said, take care of yourself... take GOOD care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Like I said I would really advise you do get professional help, not because you are weak but because of the situation.

I wish you all the best and I know you can do this

[iceprincess111 in reply to LonerWulf]

People have been telling me to see a therapist so I will look into that.. it will be 1 year in November but it seems like it just Happened.. If that makes sense..

[sweetiepye]

I am sorry you are having this experience in your life. I have had two family members commit suicide and it is devastating . There is no getting over this ,you learn to live with it. Time helps, but 1 year is nothing. If you are feeling any guilt please work on letting it go. There is nothing you or anyone else could have done. That will also take time, learning not to blame yourself in any measure. When you think of him ,and you will, try to focus on the good memories. I keep a journal and write my feelings in there. It seems to validate them. I wish you peace. Pam

[iceprincess111 in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you for your help. I am going to see a therapist in November so hopefully this helps. I can't stop feeling guilty over this. I wish I had done something more to save him.

[iceprincess111 in reply to iceprincess111]

Its hard not to blame myself.

[Anxiousabby]

Hi:

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can relate with your pain because my husband also died, he didn't suicide tho , but I can imagine how hard the pain must be for you at this moment. I can't tell you is gonna get better NOW because it wont, but only time and your will power will help you to heal that wound. Please keep seeing somebody that help you to understand your pain and teach you how to properly grieve. I didnt do it when my husband died and oh boy, I regretted that decision. There are so many triggers and painful memories that aggravates my anxiety and panic attacks because I didnt accept any help. All I can tell you is let people that love you in and share your pain, talk about it, honor his memory, remember his happy moments and stop wondering why, there is no answer that will bring him back and that only will cause you more pain. I will keep you in my prayers