advice?: my boyfriend wants me to hand... - Anxiety and Depre...

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advice?

roygbi
roygbi

my boyfriend wants me to hand over my phone whenever he asks and it makes uncomfortable what do I do?

55 Replies
oldestnewest

He obviously doesn’t trust you so you’ve got to ask yourself what’s the point being with him , just saying x p.s don’t let him see this he’ll be after filling me in 🤣🤣

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Rickrock

😂😂

Rickrock
Rickrock in reply to roygbi

Tell him to do one anyway , plenty more fish in the sea 👊🏼

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Rickrock

Like I understand I broke his trust but just giving him my phone when he wants it makes me so uncomfortable

Rickrock
Rickrock in reply to roygbi

And how did you break his trust ?

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Rickrock

My ex boyfriend wrecked his car and I texted him and asked if he was okay... keep in mind I was with this kid for three years

Rickrock
Rickrock in reply to roygbi

Yeah because you probs still care after that long , just try explaining x

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Rickrock

Oh trust me I have tried everything and he always talks about I broke his trust so he gets to go through my phone when he chooses no matter how I feel because this is what I get

Rickrock
Rickrock in reply to roygbi

Just tell him NO because somethings on there are private and personal and could make you feel silly , aww and just one more thing , he’s probably hiding something on his phone , just saying. x

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Erase the history before you give to him. Hand it over in all innocence and see the exasperation on his face when there's nothing there. Or get all the excess phones you can gather, working or not, and give him a bagful of them and let him go through them all to see which ones work and what info can he glean from them to incriminate you. I love playing games like this. It's the sociopath in me. Pay him back with overwhelmingly exaggerated compliance. We can have fun with this guy. Say, if you text him to do something he ordinarily would not do, do you think he'll follow your orders? Saw something on t.v. I'm interested in experimenting with. He sounds like just the mark.

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Hidden

He’s so much to handle

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Tell him all will be better if he took you on a cruise. Ever heard of a rock jacket? No never mind, I'm just not able to take this seriously now. Just walk away in that case. You won't miss him as much as he'll miss you.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

OMG is it horrible that I snorted out a laugh when I read this? 😂

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

I do pride myself on dark humor. Years of Monty Python can do that to a person.

UnderstandingMyPain
UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

UnderstandingMyPain
UnderstandingMyPain in reply to Hidden

I can’t take it serious either at this moment! Good advice either way

senorab12
senorab12 in reply to roygbi

You haven’t broken his trust by doing this, when you break up with someone it doesn’t mean they’re dead for you, they are human beings and if you want to keep in touch that doesn’t hurt anybody. I always say that you can do whatever you want, if someone is going to cheat on you they’ll do it anyways it doesn’t matter how much stuff you deny them to do they’ll always find a way. Trust is not something you earn as a prize for doing something right, it’s something you give by your own choice, it shows how much you love that person and without it relationships don’t work. You don’t have to hand him your phone if you don’t want to, you don’t have to “prove” your loyalty to him. You’re meant to be happy with someone not make you feel uncomfortable.

I know you love him but it seems that relationship is over, you’ll be only delaying the inevitable and it’ll hurt you more than him. Please re consider your future with him, you want to live like this your whole life? Uncomfortable? With someone who doesn’t trust you?

Hidden
Hidden in reply to senorab12

I agree wholeheartedly with everything you've said. And I mean that as serious as I can be. He is insecure and projecting onto you. It's YOUR fault, in his eyes. Say just to be on the safe side, you guys aren't in high school are you? Just certain terms I...gotta go.

Might I ask ?

That is so unhealthy!! Whatever you did to break his trust, he chose to forgive you and therefore trust you. I know it takes a while to build that up again, but things like taking your phone is so wrong. It’s controlling and unfair. Remember he chose to forgive you!

If it’s a ONE time thing, AND you feel comfortable doing so....then you two should discuss exchanging phones just this once, with a time limit. But this kind of demanding/controlling behavior is not healthy, and it’s not advisable to continue doing these “trust exercises” on a regular basis. I suggest you look into the issue more. Is he struggling with trust because something happened in his past? Or is it something that happened in your relationship? It could also help to see a couples therapist. It could help you both to figure out some healthy ways create and maintain healthy boundaries to move forward.

Hidden
Hidden

In my opinion ..No one should be checking your phone..no matter what..if he wants to stay with you, and doesn’t now trust you..then it’s his problem..he Has to deal with it ! And maybe you need to consider if you wish to be treated this way or move on...

Best wishes

Hidden
Hidden

Ask him for his phone.

He told me since I can’t just give him my phone I’m not ready to be with him and he broke up with me

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

He’s an ass, plain and simple. You didn’t lose anything by him breaking up with you, I assure you.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Is this the same boyfriend who broke up with you a month ago because you wouldn’t give him your phone?

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Hidden

Yup and now he’s calling me a cheater because I texted my ex of three years after he wrecked his car

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Well, it’s over then, and hopefully for real. Don’t go back. There’s nothing good about him. He’s a jerk. Repeat after me. He. Is. A. Jerk.

There, you said it. Feel better? 😉

Seriously, for real, just stay away from him. Easy to do.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

That's cheating?? What grade is he in?

MrZee
MrZee in reply to roygbi

Hmmm... he sounds insecure to me.

I find the Internet is such a mixed bag. What you’re experiencing is common amongst several couples where one or both don’t trust what the other is doing on the Internet be it a smartphone or a computer.

Here’s how hubby and I deal with this... “What I don’t know won’t hurt me.” I stay away from his phone/computer and he stays away from mine. Sure I look at adult matter online and I’m sure he does too. Hey, we’re human beings... we’re all curious creatures. It doesn’t mean we want to act on it. Plus a while ago I said, “In our relationship I told him I have nothing to hide.”

So the issue really isn’t the phone... it’s trust. I would think if you both were equally secure with trusting each other in your relationship there wouldn’t be such a demand to see your phone.

Good luck and all my best,

-MZ

sweetiepye
sweetiepye in reply to MrZee

Yes to MrZee A real person with a brain. Love your reply.

MrZee
MrZee in reply to sweetiepye

Thank you sweetiepye. Your compliment truly made my day. ❤️

sweetiepye
sweetiepye in reply to MrZee

Oh my.

Hidden
Hidden

Don't hand it over. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Too much control. I say end it and move on.

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Hidden

But what if I can’t

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Can't end it? Speaking as a once divorced woman, control only gets worse with finances, jobs, friends, family, raising a child. You don't need that. Don't get caught up in it. I wish I hadn't.

roygbi
roygbi in reply to Hidden

What if I can’t leave

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

Why can't you? There's plenty fish in the sea and marriage is difficult even with the most wonderful partner. It it's bad now, it will only get worse, I promise you that.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

I was reminiscing with my niece the other day. She is the last of my bloodline, all other relatives deceased. We were talking about the good times we enjoyed in life and found that we both agreed that the high school years and two more were the best times of our lives. After that came marriage, the first, and all the "inconveniences" that brings with it. Like responsibility. Bah, humbug! Give me my MTV, really, I want it back! And the times that it was born into! A broken heart is nothing compared to a split everything you own with a person you now hate to death.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

Yes, the real MTV days!! Kids thi k it's so hard now and can't wait to grow up but it's sad to say, it only gets harder with bigger worries.

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to roygbi

He can leave you but you can't leave him? Do it. Start walking and don't stop until you are a long way away from this controlling person.

roygbi
roygbi in reply to hypercat54

I feel like my heart is shattered

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

This shall pass. Think about it. Do you want to be in a relationship in which trust is a problem? Heck, this wasn’t even a matter of just trust - this was a control thing, and you do NOT want to be involved with a controller.

I always ask this of people who are in a situation like yours - Let’s say you have a daughter and SHE finds herself a guy who is controlling. What would you want for her?

hypercat54
hypercat54 in reply to roygbi

Well it will be broken properly if you stay. If you don't believe me read some of the posts other members have put on about abusive partners.

sweetiepye
sweetiepye in reply to roygbi

He will end up being your Daddy and not in a good way.

Very unhealthy!!!!! Do not hand it over. Believe me this might be the start of the power control wheel.

I feel like I can’t get out of the relationship

Inside the Power and Control wheel are eight tactics that abusers will often pair with physical or sexual violence (or the threat of violence) in order to maintain domination. These are as follows:

Using intimidation

Using emotional abuse

Using isolation

Minimizing, denying, and blaming

Using children

Using male privilege

Using economic abuse

Using coercion and threats

This inner ring is important, as it touches on the elements of abuse that might not be as readily apparent in a relationship.

According to Hernandez, “the person who’s being abused may not know they are being abused if they’re experiencing psychological and emotional abuse, which the Power and Control Wheel touches on in the emotional abuse and minimizing, denying, and blaming section.”

Hidden
Hidden in reply to roygbi

You just said he broke up with you as he did a month ago.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

Tells you that you can never do anything right

Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away

Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members

Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs

Controls every penny spent in the household

Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses

Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do

Prevents you from making your own decisions

Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children

Prevents you from working or attending school

Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets

Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons

Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with

Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

Let me ask you this, why are you with him if he is too much to handle?

Please don't let anyone take away your self worth, and independence. What ever it was you felt you did, forgiveness does not come with a price tag that makes you feel this way. There is no one that should ever take away the strength you have inside. Love is not proving every day you are faithful, it doesn't make you give up your pride or privacy. If there is no trust and it only causes you pain, as hard and painful as it is, you need to move on and find someone that will love and appreciate you for who you are.

Tell him NO and why. Phones are personal. Just my personal view. Good luck.

This sort of control only gets worse, believe me, I have been there and suffered for it.

As someone who is trained and working in a domestic violence safe house I think it’s important that you know this is a huge red flag. This is controlling behavior that over time escalates. Be strong. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.

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