(possibly) borderline scatterbrained rant

[torpe]

sometimes, it is hard not to think that all i am is just a crazy person that has already been written…i knew it was always something but i think that something is tearing me to shreds. i don’t have an official diagnosis which makes me feel like it’s not mine although i’ve done research and i’m reading a book about it and i check a lot of boxes and a great number of symptoms is what i thought i just was as a person in a book about personality disorders…i’m sorry if that sounds messed up but everything i find so hard to take. a knick could make me bleed out. i don’t know how to function as a normal person and it makes so much sense. i’ve been having better days than bad and sometimes i wonder who id be if i weren’t sedated and i’m scared of who that is...i knew who i was then. i don’t even know what i want to hear. my new friends don’t know and i’m sure my old ones don’t either and it makes me feel safe and happy to know they won’t ever know me. if they did, they’d leave. i am in full automatic at work and i don’t know. this summer it feels so free…i ribboned off and there’s nothing i have to be and i don’t even know if there ever was…and then there’s owning it…i used to pray so hard that it’d go away or maybe to have someone else eat the only way i know to love. i think the best way to be is watching from the outside and not touching. people at work seem to really like me and i can’t swallow or think about it because i wonder why and if i’ll ever see it. i wonder who i’d be without it, aching to be someone with a working brain. i take so much, i am a bad friend, abhorrent excuse for a daughter…. how do people love themselves? how do they really trust? i always think ppl are lying to me to make me try to feel good or what ppl will say when i’m dead as of late and i’ve come to grips with it and i don’t know if i’m really scared anymore which is scarier. it gets so tiring and grating to always reverse think and i think that going out and being at work tucks it all away but i’m not pretending just...i’ve been the most social this summer more than i’ve ever been…i’ve not had to think or be alone and i think i’m ok with being alone until my brain replays a sound byte of my ex boyfriend breaking up with me and wondering why i can’t just let it go after half a year and go back to oh right i’m not a sane person… the only way i’ll actually share what i’m feeling freely is where i know no one i know no one i know in real life will see how much i’m bitching or how much i’m hurting…emotional vulnerability really grosses me out from my end and also i genuinely cannot believe that people care what i feel because the world will move without me. i am no one special and maybe i am nothing. everyone is so special to me but i cannot see where i am in all that. how do people look in the mirror and know themselves? sometimes i wake up with anxiety pulsing through my fingers and shooting into my stomach and i don’t have anything to do that day, nothing to be nervous about. i feel so ungrateful when i’m complaining because life is so beautiful but you get punched straight in the chest one too many times and people think you’re too young to be this jaded. my friend and i were talking and she asked someone she knew if it’ll ever get better and i keep thinking about that and wondering if this will be my forever.

[Starrlight]

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[torpe in reply to Starrlight]

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