newbie : I don’t know how to start or... - Anxiety and Depre...

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SAHM73
SAHM73

I don’t know how to start or express how I truly feel. The best way I can begin is by asking if you know that phrase “fake it, til you make it”? That’s what i do daily. I’m happy around people and then I come home and don’t want to leave the comfort of my home. I have extreme anxiety to be anywhere else. I pretend and everyone believes me and would never know that I’m insecure or scared but I am. But, I joke all the time, to mask my anxiety and fears, no one sees how I truly feel and I don’t want anyone that I see daily to know or see anything differently than a happy person. I don’t think I’m making sense here but I’m trying. I’m trying to express myself. That is why I searched for a support group. At night, I have extreme anxiety and am trying to meditate, trying to lower my heart rate. Sorry I’m rambling. Just reaching out.

26 Replies
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I totally understand what you are saying........you certainly do make sense. I used to be able to do that but now I just don't have the energy to act anymore.........it's very draining, no?

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to susanjo613

Thanks for responding. Very draining indeed. I don’t do much but the things I do involve a lot of different people with the same interests yet different personalities. When I’m done, I immediately go home just so I don’t get asked to do something afterwards. The weather also plays a lot on my emotions. When it’s sunny I’m fine. When it’s raining and gloomy, I want nothing to do with people and just don’t want to be bothered. I feel like my day has been wasted because I can not get out of this funk. When my family comes homes, I’m happy. I’m better. I hate being alone but I don’t want to be around people that are not my family.

roseanxiety
roseanxiety in reply to SAHM73

Hello! You may have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), I have it too. When its sunny I am happy but when its really cloudy and gloomy, my mood depresses. As far as i know, theres nothing we can really do about it. I try to have a lot of yellow-toned lights around my home. but can't fix it unless i move to california or something haha.

chinda_
chinda_ in reply to roseanxiety

Had partially same issue but moved to the federal capital in my country...still not working... still in my space think I need friends though

What you’ve said makes perfect sense. I feel often like I’m faking a smile all day long till I can get back home.

Your not alone.

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to TalonNimbus

Thank you so much.

I can identify with what you said. I also sometimes feel like “faking it” feels better than breaking down, or at least isn’t a burden on others. But faking it can be so so exhausting too. Always being “okay” for everyone. My symptoms also seem to increase at night. Glad you are on here. I feel like there are a lot of supportive people.

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to kelsruby90

Thank you. The burden part you speak of hits home for me. I’m supposed to be the strong one and have been taught at a young age to not cry, to not show fear, and that no one needs to know your business. So for me to come to this support group is huge and I thank you for accepting me. The night thing, I dread. I’m watching what I consume during the day so it doesn’t trigger my anxiety at night. I just discovered calm chamomile tea and I swear it truly relaxes me.

Do you often feel the need to hide your feelings but then when you do reach out for help you feel “exposed” or burdensome? I often feel stuck between keeping everything in and having the illusion of being okay, or actually sharing with a trusted friend but suffering the anxiety that comes along with that. I dunno, just something I have been struggling with lately.

M_X_D
M_X_D in reply to kelsruby90

This x1,000,000!

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to kelsruby90

Oh my yes. I feel exposed and I want to take it all back if I do accidentally make myself vulnerable. I constantly analyze in my head what they must be thinking about me now. Did their opinions of me change? Do they think I’m too much to handle? This is why I don’t want to be around people. And the crazy thing is, if someone starts telling me too much info about them right away and it’s way too exhausting to comprehend, I shut them out quickly. I can’t be around people that are stuck in the past and tell everyone their personal sad problems. It gives me way too much anxiety. I’m not a “misery loves company” type of person. So I keep to myself so I don’t expose my anxiety. No one that doesn’t have anxiety will ever understand.

You are NOT alone in this. As I read your post I found myself nodding my head along, thinking "this is me entirely"

When I get ready for bed, I throw on a fan for some white noise. Also some low music calms my nerves.

It's good to reach out. Support groups are awesome. I'm skeptical of an online support group but, it's worth a shot.

I hope you have a great day, week, month, year, and most importantly a great LIFE. If I've learned one thing, it's accept yourself, show your feelings and don't be afraid to reach out...

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to M_X_D

Well thank you for making feel welcomed. Today is sunny so I took my dogs for a long walk. I had some anxiety because I was by myself but the sun embraced me. You too, have an amazing day!!

Hi there, I'm glad I found your post as I feel the exact same way - though for me it is more depression than anxiety that I come home to. The other day I was with my extended family and my grandfather asked if I was dating anyone and I said, "no, isn't is clear that I'm completely alone and depressed?" I said it as a joke, obviously, because that's the only way I know to talk about those things, but then he laughs and says, "Oh, don't say that, you're a happy person." And, even though we were joking I couldn't help but think, wow my family doesn't know anything about me. But it's not their fault because I never show that side of me to anyone else.

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to alucille1217

Right. I get it. It’s hard for our family members to understand that we feel anxiety and depression because we suppress it in front of them. So when we finally come out and say just a little bit, it’s a big shocker. So we cover it up with a joke or a strong presence. Why do we do this?

Is there anything about the "faking it" you're doing that feels closer to the truth? By that, I mean little things, like finishing up a project or seeing someone with whom you share a favorite activity? I understand the pain of wearing a facade from the time you walk in to the time you leave, but can you think of just one thing that feels "real" to you? I used to want to hide in a bathroom stall when work walls and people seemed to be closing in on me. But I found that a look out the window, to blue sky and clouds, helped, along with some deep breathing to calm myself down. I also carried a picture of my dog doing something silly, and the lyrics to my favorite song that took me outside myself that I'd pull out of my pocket when I needed them. It's hard to make big changes i when you don't know which way is up, but if you make some small ones, it could help. It couldn't hurt.

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to akablonded

thanks for responding. I think the best way I can describe my feelings is that if people get to close to me and I open up just a little too much, I feel vulnerable. Exposed. That feeling gives me much anxiety. It’s my own struggles. I’m figuring them out. Each day I try. I’ll never give up being a better person but I find it so exhausting to fake that I’m not always happy being me. I just don’t show a sad or weak version of me to no one. I tried before but no one took me serious because I’m a constant joker. And of course if someone takes me serious, I brush them off and say I was just kidding. Sorry. It’s confusing. Everyone is confused. I feel if I say it, I’ve put it out there and there it is. No need to analyze this. I can’t figure it myself. I’m not looking for someone to save me. I’m just looking for a place to be heard. Sometimes that’s all that is needed. You know? Thanks for listening.

Man I’ve been through this. No one except close people know how bad my anxiety gets. And when I’m by my self it gets worse. This is a great community to let off some steam!

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to RaqXo

Thanks for responding. In my case, no one knows. If and when I do open up, people are shocked. They could never understand someone like me has anxiety. Therefore, I never tell anyone closest to me. I’ve possibly told 2 people in my life. My family doctor and a girl I workout with. It is what it is and so I’m grateful to have this safe place to come to.

Maybe instead of calling it faking it, you can start changing your mindset day by day. You want to get better, no? You want to feel good, and feel normal and happy right? So whenever you feel anxious, or feel those symptoms creeping in, try to change the way you respond to them. Instead of responding with fear, ask your anxiety to give you more. It sounds weird, but responding to the anxious feelings in this way tells your brain that you are not afraid, but you are welcoming the feelings, you are accepting. This puts you in a position of power over the debilitating thoughts in your head. he feelings usually subside when I do this. Because fear is what triggers anxiety and it is a cycle, the more you respond to your body and mind symptoms with fear, the more the fear persists. The more you run away from your feelings, the faster and more intense they run back to you. Like that quote, "what you resist, persists". I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and don't lose hope.

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to roseanxiety

Thank you for your kind words and motivation. All I can do is try harder. I’ll never give up.

roseanxiety
roseanxiety in reply to SAHM73

You're welcome! and yes! NEVER give up. We can all get through this!

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to roseanxiety

Thanks again.

Same way I feel... my depression started when the only person I can reached out to died... I’ve been all by myself since then... listening to cool music helps, watching movies too and books

SAHM73
SAHM73 in reply to chinda_

Thanks for responding and I’m so sorry for your loss. And yes, music helps. It’s hard for me to relax so when I put earphones on and shut every sound out but my cool jams, I get lost.

chinda_
chinda_ in reply to SAHM73

Thanks... Yea right it does help

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