Lost.

[Mandy371]

2 yrs ago i had a falling out w/ my immediate family (stepdad, aunt and half brother). my mom was the glue of our family and passed away 3 years prior. i'd been overseas w/ my hubby (military) and was back in the states to take my only daughter to begin her military career. i stayed w/ my stepdad at the house where i'd grown up w/ him and my mom. it was so nice being so close to all the memories of my mom again. i didn't realize it was a burden to my stepdad, i was cooking and shopping for him, trying to take care of him. i never announced how long i was planning on staying, i hadn't even considered it as i was struggling so much after dropping my daughter at boot camp and knowing we wld never live together again (she and i were always super close). i just wanted that comfort of my childhood home. on my 9th day there my stepdad told me that it was time for me to go, he had things he needed to do. we have never been super close, kind of awkward (they married when i was 10) and this all took place when i was 41. I held my head high and said "of course" i'll make sure i'm out tomorrow! (once i was alone i burst into tears) I called my half brother (i'm 13 years older than him) and was really upset, i told him i was leaving but i felt devastated, what had i done wrong? was dad ok? i begged him not to say a word to dad. that night i'd packed everything up in the spare room when i heard a car pull into the driveway. dad was downstairs watching a baseball game. i thought perhaps he had a lady friend over and i wasn't going to interfere... a short while later i realized it was my aunt's voice i heard (mom's sister, we all were super close). I went downstairs and said i'm sorry i didn't come down sooner, i have a migraine and didn't realize you were here. she said "you're going to be sorry when i get thru w/ you" to which i laughed while we hugged - i thought she was joking of course. then she proceeded to start yelling at me about how inconsiderate i am, how i only think of myself, staying at my dad's house without a specific amount of time, etc. it seemed crazy as it was happening and i felt really confused but my dad was right there 10 feet away from us (he and i never have any type of confrontation. ever.) so it was beyond awkward. I immediately began apologizing to him, to her, saying i didn't mean to be thoughtless, etc. I went upstairs, threw up in the bathroom and went back in the spare room and locked the door. my aunt tried to come in and i told her she needed to leave. i almost didn't survive that night but i thought of my husband and knew i had to be strong. i texted a close friend and asked if i could please stay with her the following day and overnight as my flight didn't leave for 36 hours. thank god she welcomed me w/ open arms. i slept for the last time at the house where i grew up. the next morning dad said goodbye, he was leaving to go to the gym - i didn't see him he just hollered up the stairs. I quickly began washing the towels and bedding that i had used, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, remade the bed, had the oil changed in the car i had used as well as detailed inside and out and left for the very last time leaving my key and a note on the table thanking him for letting me stay. When i got to my girlfriend's house, i kept apologizing to her and her hubby for coming somewhat unexpectedly and for being selfish. Of course they told me i wasn't being selfish but my world had been rocked. I can honestly say i have never been more devastated in my entire life (and when i was 24 my real dad, who was a police officer, was shot and killed at work). when i flew back overseas the following day it was a relief. but after my hubby went back to work, the following days were filled w/ darkness and depression. I tried to reach out to my aunt and stepdad via email to tell them what was going thru my own mind when i was at his house, that i truly didn't mean to be inconsiderate but they never responded. i told my brother i didn't understand, his fiance stayed at my dad's for work sometimes as they lived a few hours from him - but my brother said to me that she only stays for a couple of nights not 9 days. I told him that i lived a 12 hour FLIGHT away not a 3 hour drive. Fast forward to present; my brother just got married 2 days ago; i was invited but did not attend. I had surgery the day before the wedding on my foot and could not fly. but truly i know if i had gone it would have screwed me up even more.

i am so very lost. my hubby is very supportive but he cannot really understand what i'm going thru because he still has his mom, dad and sister. my stepdad hasn't even checked in to find out how my surgery went (i'm sure my brother told him why i cldn't make it). I still send a christmas and bday gift to stepdad every year, though i get nothing in return.

on top of all of this my daughter is now 2 years in the military and married. she is only 21 but has accomplished so much more than many 28 year olds i know. she has a lot on her plate but when i text her sometimes she will go hours if not days without responding.

i am trying to remember to be grateful for all that i have, but im barley holding on.

[Tealribbon]

I am so very sorry. Unbelievable. Being ostracized by family is similar to being deprived of oxygen while you are trying to run!!!

It can bring on shame and guilt but u have done nothing wrong....even though your emotions may feel that way. What good friends you have. And I totally agree with them. U had the rug pulled out from under you. I'm so sorry... please talk here. It's safe. U r not alone.

[Mandy371 in reply to Tealribbon]

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and reply to me. You are so spot on; shame and guilt are exactly what I feel and I never had the words until I read your post. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone, I truly cannot tell you how much it means to me. I’m going to hold on to your words. Xo

[hypercat54]

Hi I bet a good reason you are still estranged is because you are so far apart from your family. Still you have done nothing wrong and you are trying to contact them which is more than they are with you.

Falling out with family is awful isn't it? I had a major falling out with 1 sister and my mother years ago. Another sister had a very small part time job (cash) and had to give it up so she offered it to this sister. She had ages to think about it and kept saying how she wanted it until the very last minute when she backed out. We both thought she might as this is a pattern with her. But it put both me and my sister into a nasty situation as her employer was expecting to meet her that morning. So I said yes to the job and leapt out of bed with a major hangover but made it and got the job.

Both of us were very annoyed with her and as it was a Sunday we all went over to my mums place. Unfortunately my sisters son who was a child at that time had been sick so she couldn't make it as we knew it would kick off then.

I went on my own and my unreliable sister was already there telling her version of events to our mother. As soon as I got there they both verbally attacked me viciously and started this huge row. They eyes were snapping like jekyls eager to get their bite in. I however refused to argue and stayed calm. Eventually my mother responded and became calmer too though my sister kept whipping up her own anger.

In the end I looked at both of them in turn and said 'I don't know you' and 'I don't know you'. I then turned on my heel and walked out.

Of course afterwards I was devastated and cried buckets but not in front of them which I was glad about. Anyway the upshot was that I didn't talk to either of them for 3 months even though my sister lived in the downstairs flat while I lived up the top and my mother was only down the road and would pop in to her most days.

It finally took a family friend to trick me into speaking to them again otherwise I might not have to this day. The point I am making is that if we had lived far apart it might never have been resolved which would have made me feel like you. But I did have other family so have been closer to them since, and so do you. Is there anyone else except your brother?

I do hope you find a solution. In the meantime there is nothing much more you can do and if they want to behave like this they are the losers. x