Self punishing thoughts

[Hannah1116]

Hey, I am new to this forum. I find it really hard opening up because I feel I sound crazy. My anxiety is punishing thoughts where I convince myself I am an awful person. This especially happens in regards to my relationship. Does anyone else experience this?

[EleanorRose]

I have about 4 pages in my diary where I one day listed every ‘awful’ thing I have ever done and convinced myself I was the world’s worst person. (That’s not something I recommend you do!)

When I’m not in that frame of mind, I realise how ridiculous I am being, when I am in that frame of mind, I can completely torture myself with it.

I’d hazard a guess you’re not an awful person, just an anxious one. I mean, if it were true, I’d doubt you’d even care about the things you think you’ve done. The fact you care tells me you’re not ‘awful’ .

No one is perfect and everyone has done things wrong, things they regret or things they’re not proud of - it makes you human, not awful.

[Hannah1116 in reply to EleanorRose]

I feel like I am on this vicious cycle that I can’t get off. I am the same as you - when I’m not in that frame of mind I can see how silly it sounds but when I am I try reason with myself, then ten minutes later I’m back to the same ‘what if thoughts’ it becomes so exhausting and feels never ending. It gets so much worse when I drink alcohol so I must limit my intake and stick to it.

[EleanorRose in reply to Hannah1116]

The “what if” is one of the worst parts of anxiety but it’s also a clue that this is anxiety. So many anxiety thoughts start with a “what if”. You’re right, the vicious cycle is horrible and can be hard to get out of at times. We have to find a way to break that cycle.

Sometimes I find it helpful to have a balanced view - I can’t always stop the anxious thoughts but I try to think of a positive alternative when the bad thoughts come to mind.

For example, “Saying ‘no’ to that person was awful but I have helped them on lots of other occasions” ... reminding yourself you’re not awful and not dwelling on the ‘what if’ awful thought ... my mind has really helpfully gone blank of all proper examples of that - indicative of my own anxiety today where I have a pretty one-track mind related to my health!!

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. You do deserve to be happy and you are not awful. Anxiety makes us feel bad but it doesn’t mean we are bad.

[Hannah1116 in reply to EleanorRose]

Yes you are right. And I know if a friend was feeling like this I would be kind to them and reassure them. But find it hard to do this for myself. Anxiety sucks lol

[ludc]

Hi there, I have felt the same way. The thought and shame of anxiety and feeling like a burden is tough to address, but it isn't because you are a bad person. I agree with EleanorRose that when you're in it, you may feel like you sound ridiculous, but just be gentle with yourself on that.

As someone told me the other day, it takes baby steps and recognizing that helps.

[Hannah1116 in reply to ludc]

Thank you for your replies. It’s nice to feel not alone

[quitter333]

lol, what SO AWFUL you are doing?

seriously.. there have been people who kill others in gruesome ways or condemn whole countries to poverty and famine.

What you do, that is so terrible?

..

And if you feel you lack moral compass, you can either pick up religion (if you are spiritual), such as Christianity - what would jesus do, or phylosophy - e.g. Kant - do things that are moral, i.e. which would be moral and bring good even is absolutely everyone in the world did it. Or read about Hegel's criticism on Kant.

And if you feel you can't "run after every single friend, relative of colleague", remember - your energy is not infinite. You are as person not infinite. First and foremost, make sure you are well rested and feel well, and only when you have tended to yourself and closest family (spouse, children), tend to others. Noone is in power under any moral argument to demand anything from you, so, there is no such state as awfulness, just because you say no to things.

..

and finally (I am on a roll man) - you sound like you let your inner judgement rule, while it has not bearing on the external world. I suggest you look into Stoic philosophy. For starters, take a look at amazing small application with Stoic quotes, it's called "The Stoic" (can be found in google play mobile app shop). It literally tells you HOW to think, so you stop loathing yourself or situations you cannot control.

Good luck, traveler!

[Hannah1116 in reply to quitter333]

I sound silly for saying it out loud and I know I do. But I get terrible relationship anxiety. For example if I talk to the opposite sex I always worry if this comes across as appropriate / do something bad if I’m drunk. (I have never cheated) but I just worry I’ll do something wrong and he will end the relationships. It’s constant what ifs. Sounds ridiculous I know it’s just I can’t stop the thoughts. And after my previous relationship cheating on me i think this has impacted on me.

[quitter333 in reply to Hannah1116]

How old are you?

And would it not be better for your intended love to see you as who you are, and not encounter the disappointment when you stop your act?

I personally rather chose to better myself, and behave as I feel fit. As time goes and I become better at everything, I can notice girls like me for who I am. I am sure. Because I do not pretend in front of them.

Be better and be you. Frankly the weird people who act dumb are the best. The formal correct ones are.. well.. formal and correct and average.

If you can be smart AND also be a goofball, you will be loved.

[Hannah1116 in reply to quitter333]

I am 24 years old, and yes I guess it would be better to not hold back and be completely me. I’m just scared of regrets and losing him if things get out of hand. I’m such a worrier! Plus it doesn’t help when you have gaps in your memory after nights out (I know I must limit my alcohol intake) I just fill my head with made up scenarios the next day of the worst case possible. I feel like people probably just want to say get a grip lol but my thoughts are just out of control. I am now on medication to try to stop the punishing thoughts.

[quitter333 in reply to Hannah1116]

Well.. learn to stop worrying. It takes time for brain to reform. Step by step. I stand by my above suggestions too.

Also I'd suggest to stop drinking (not absolutely, but severely limit it). It is childish... a pasttime of buffoons and immature people.. you can literally get a better buzz by being sober and skydiving or doing similar stuff.

[reaThua9]

Hi there,

I completely understand that feeling you're talking about. I do a lot of reading about this type of thing, and I actually saw an article recently that addresses exactly what you're talking about--that "what if" feeling, and some really practical, specific ways to help. This is the link, if you want to check it out: bit.ly/2Lbt2dP

Hope this helps, hang in there.