Good day everyone. Firstly, I want to thank anyone who is willing to read this. This post is meant to reach out to anyone who may experience these feelings or can relate in some way.
I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was fourteen years old. I've seen therapists, taken medication and changed my lifestyle dramatically to cope through the years. All in all, things have been pretty successful and I've been able to manage both illnesses in a healthier manner. However, as I am sure many of you know, it never fully goes away. Sometimes it can feel like a dark shadow that looms over you when you least expect it.
More recently, I started to experience feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness again. With such feelings comes an overwhelming feeling of guilt that you're a burden to others or are painfully annoying since this isn't new to those who know you. You regret things you say or do as they 'seem' to push people further away and ultimately confirm your fears; that people don't care and want nothing to do with you.
While it feels so obvious to me that I am the source of everything going wrong, a close friend who experiences depression has told me it's the 'depression' talking. That people who truly understand won't see you as a burden. But it can feel like a lonely path as my family does not understand my illness that deeply. My mother has tried and seems to care more than the rest, but I can tell she is exhausted with me. It hurts to know I am 'too much' for her (and my other siblings), so I try not to talk about what's going on in my life given that everything I say seems to create problems somehow.
If I am being honest, I feel this way a lot. I feel like I constantly lose friends because of the foolish things I express. Things I can't seem to help, but can equally acknowledge as a problem. It feels like such an easy fix when you're aware of what you're doing, but equally frustrating because you don't know how to stop it despite wanting to.
Because of this, I am choosing to see a therapist again. I'm hoping that through talk therapy, I can find better methods to cope and handle human interactions in a way maybe I didn't consider prior.
Can anyone else relate to this? Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you.
Yes, I’m always trying not to inflict my neediness on other people. I want so badly to ask for attention, but I’m so afraid that I’m too much for anybody to handle.
It's such a shame that you phrase needing help as being needy. Something my mother used to tell me is that depression is like an invisible wound. If one were to have a broken leg, would the ask for help from said individual feel so far fetched? Of course not. Unfortunately, depression, anxiety, bipolar, OCD, etc are things people only see in a certain light. It does not lessen the fact that it's a legitimate issue that requires help.
Definatly relate but I'm older so family + friends have dwindled. Many are unaware that we have a hard time coping or that we can't just turn it off because we may be at a party. My conversations have been much shorter as much of the time I'm trying to just hold myself together. Seems like your mom is there for you. I try to speak with my husband about my issues. Not so he can "fix" me but it sometimes helps me if i tell him i need to push myself or I know I need to eat better.
Not sure of what foolish things you're expressing to others which is why I may have become more quiet. You can only be you right now and try your best. I'm sorry this has been going on for a while..
Counciling is great as long as you have a Good therapist who truly listens and understands. I miss mine who moved and haven't gone to another. Give it a shot and stay positive! HUGS
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's tough not having ones who are close to you, especially people we once considered close.
Precisely. Depression can breed anxiety, which then makes social interaction even more stressful. You question everything you say or, lack thereof, and wonder if anyone is judging you harshly for it.
Yes, I know my mother cares, but she is also in her early 70s and has a slew of problems herself. While she seems content with being a sounding board for me, I can tell it's quite taxing on her, so I have lessened my interactions with her. I'm really happy to hear you have such an understanding partner. Having someone willing to listen is a lifesaver. And it's equally nice to know he is looking out for your best interests!
Perhaps it's how honestly I will come out and say things (like how I am still single and will never meet someone who will want to put up with me) to a fault. Things I would deem a classic 'foot in mouth' scenario. But yes, despite my ability to recognize this behavior, I equally don't know how to stop myself.
Yes, I feel you there. I recall having a very wonderful therapist in my teen years who just couldn't fill my needs as I became older. However, it's nice to know you had someone who could really listen to you. What a shame that they are no longer within the area!
Thank you so much. I had my first session today and it went swimmingly. Looking forward to seeing them again.
Glad to hear you connected well with the therapist! Hope that continues. Sometimes spilling our guts to an outsider is just what we need. Hope he/ she helps you to direct yourself in a positive manner.. oh i so miss mine..
Me too. It's a nice relief after feeling so down and out for months now. Thank you so much, I hope so too! It's a collaborative effort; when you're willing to put in the effort, they will too (so long as you have a connection there first).
Awww, I am sure you do. It's like finding a diamond in the rough.
Hi black cat girl, welcome to the forum, this is a great place to unload your worries so you can get them out. We all understand the ' depression talking' things we say.
I find it really helpful to ask a question here rather than bother my family....well my sister, she's the only one I moan too or let her know how I'm feeling, think cos she studied psychology (a basic course) she is interested in that stuff. Rest of my family not really good at handling it. I'm a loner now, I moved to a new area and got a chronic illness before I made any friends but to be honest I like it...I would find trying to make a proper friend who wants to do stuff draining. I have 3 cats who keep me company (2 are black cats...n 1 grey) and reading posts here makes me know I'm not alone.
Anyway just wanted to welcome you n let you know you are not alone
Thank you very much, I appreciate all the responses. It's quite comforting having people who get it and can share their thoughts.
Whoo boy, I feel you there. But I am sure it has been quite helpful having at least one family member understand what you're dealing with, even if it's in its beginning stages. Oh, wow...that's a huge change. Yes, I would imagine being somewhere new would be overwhelming in general, so the idea of making new friends is taxing, yes?
Cats are seriously the best. So cute that you have so many (and black cats are my favorite if that wasn't obvious!). So glad you opened up and shared a bit of your story with me. I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Yeah you are definitely not alone. Therapy does help and it's ok to share everything with us...I am grateful to have found this space 5 days ago as well.
You're right! This has certainly been a nice place to express one's feelings along with gaining a better understanding of what others are going through. So glad you find therapy and this site so helpful. I look forward to getting to know everyone here better.
I found this site yesterday. My motivation being that I needed someone else to talk to before I drove my one good friend away. The only one I have left... I tend to do things that push people away as well. And this confirms my belief that I’m too much for people or not enough to make them stay. Unlovable and all that. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle. You are not alone.
Welcome aboard and thank you so much for your reply. I agree that's why I am here as well. It pains me to know that someone else experiences what I do, but equally comforting that I am not alone. If anything, I hope this site is able to help you in some way. Most importantly, I am always here to talk if you need it.
I relate to this. Both with the age of onset and getting symptoms again after everything settled down for a period of time. My family used to really struggle with my mental health and this time around I’m trying my best to communicate wisely with them. I try not to talk with them so much about how I feel, and to talk more about what I’m doing to help. I save the feelings talk for here and with my doctors.
I started a family group chat on Instagram and I post information about depression and other mental health stuff, and resources for family, and just try to keep every one updated on my progress. My mom said it’s been helpful and easing her worries, my older sister and older brother seem to be more open to communicating about my mental health, (my brother also has very severe depression and anxiety and it can be extremely hard for him to listen and not get anxious himself) and my younger sister has been communicating with me more in general (she tends to avoid talking to anyone in the family because it brings up too much negativity for her)
I think the group chat has really helped me communicate with my family about my mental health struggles more openly.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit about yourself to me, I greatly appreciate it. It's a shame that you feel the storm of depression is swinging by again, but it sounds like you have a really great system going for you. How very tactful of you to be able to adjust things in such a way to not only educate your family, but keep them in the loop with you personally. To me, that's very mature and brave. I'm so happy to hear that they are very receptive to your healthy approach. I am sure for your other siblings, they appreciate all the information you're able to provide as it can benefit them too!
As much as I appreciate your approach, I unfortunately do not have the same circumstances family wise. My three older brothers are married with children and my sister is currently living in Thailand with her husband. Given everything each of them deal with, I would feel extremely intrusive adding my issues into the mix, even at an educational level. I get along with all my siblings, but I am not close to any of them, so only my sister is slightly aware of how bad my depression is currently along with my mom (but they both seem exhausted by me anytime I bring anything up given this has been most of my life). I'll explain this more someday when I feel more comfortable, but my family is essentially out of the picture when it concerns my mental health.
Good day (or evening, as the case may be) to you, Black_Cat_Girl, and welcome to the community! Thank you for sharing with us.
I've had mental illness most of my life (for around forty years) and was/am consistently very open about it, so I always figured that if a friend or family member wanted to maintain a relationship with me, then they accepted that part of me, too.
I have mainly anxiety disorders (phobias and OCD) and sometimes the behaviors associated with them can make me isolate or will weird out others who don't know me well, but I try to surround myself with understanding people, like the good folks here in HealthUnlocked 😺 As you explore the forum, I think you'll find in it a safe space for expressing even foolish things...in fact, in some threads, it is actively encouraged! 😸
I hope you'll find the waters here to be as hospitable as I did when I took the plunge. Take care and be well.
Hello MrMonk (love the name)! Thank you so much, it's nice to find a safe place to post my innermost feelings!
Good for you, I am so glad you never shyed away from talking about it. And I am very proud of you for not allowing your depression to be a hidden side of yourself. These are struggles you face and are trying to work through. You're doing the best you can and people who love you will accept that part of you.
Yes, this place certainly will provide that for those who lack the type of support they may need mentally. It's so nice to see it helping so many and bringing together a lot of misunderstood people. A lot of what we struggle with is simply just not something most understand, so it's comforting knowing that you have a multitude of folks who are more than happy to share their expeirences.
Thank you so much for your great response. I look forward to seeing more of your posts!
You're quite welcome! And ditto for me on your username -- my brother-in-law has a gorgeous black cat named Mr. Tubbs 🐱👤). Feel free to message me anytime you need a feline-friendly ear😺
I’ve literally just joined and have read your post and I can say that I can totally relate and I’m going through pretty the same thing right now with both my parents and my family. My mum also says ‘she understands ‘ but when I go through one of my dark weeks, and I’m struggling so badly she will just barely talk to me. Unfortunately I still live with my parents, and I’ve been so ill over the last two years.. back op, cancer , cellulitis, fractured wrist, torn rotator cuff... I could go on but this year alone I’ve been so physically sick , that I’ve been at home more than I’ve been at work. Obviously if I’m off work I don’t get paid . Then my money worries come to the for front of my mind and I am sick with fear and anxiety as to how I’m going to pay my bills this month. My parents always say they are there for me and will help me, but I feel like the biggest burden ever to them as their daughter is once again off of work and had no money. My dad was mentally abusive to me whilst I was growing up and I’ve had some abusive relationships with men, I’m currently single, don’t have a good relationship with my dad as I feel he always judges me. The second I ask for financial help , I see ‘that look’ again in my parents eyes and this time it’s just got too much for me. All my family ‘say’ they understand, but yet not one of them will help me. My sister is married to a millionaire, my brother has his own business, and my parents own two properties and have 4 bank accounts. The word’ money problems’ is not good to them as they grew up in an era where there were no such thing as credit cards etc etc. My outgoings aren’t a lot and I’m not struggling with debt like some maybe, but it’s just my basic bills. I have no savings because I’ve had so much time off of work that I’ve not been earning. I see a therapist when I can afford to, and yes she really helps so I would def say go and see someone. I have also pushed so many friends away due to my anxiety and depression it’s very sad. I feel very alone, very low and I feel very let down by my parents as I can’t understand why they won’t help their daughter. I’ve now learnt that when I’m feeling like this I simply can’t talk to my sister and she will never understand how I feel, she’s got a great life, a beautiful son and she’s financially well off. My plan is to move out as soon as I can, it breaks my heart to say that my parents make my depression and anxiety worse but sadly they do. So feel free to talk to me... as I completely understand what you are going through... x
Oh my, you've been through quite a lot. I can't imagine being stuck at home unable to move out due to financial issues along with a lack of supporting parents. That must feel so debilitating for you. I am so sorry you're dealing with such things right now (and so many terrible health issues on top of what you're coping with). That's a lot for one person to deal with alone. It pains me to think how much your parents aren't helping you right now...that's terrible. That really breaks my heart to hear.
I can certainly understand the plight you have with your family to a certain degree. Like you, I have a big family (three older brothers and an older sister) and all my siblings are married with kids and have successful careers. They all seem really happy and put together for the most part. So I can certainly sympathize with you on feeling like the black sheep. I'm also single and experienced mentally abusive relationships in my life as well (both by friends, males, and ex-boyfriends too). It can make the idea of finding someone who will love you feel impossible.
And sadly, like you, I've lost friends due to my depression and anxiety. It IS such a lonely and sad feeling as you question your worth constantly when things go wrong. It's so easy to blame yourself when things hit the fan. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You certainly have so much more going on that I can't even imagine, so it's a mutual offer. I am always here to listen and talk. *hugs*
Totally relating over here! I’ve got a good support system, medication, therapy, etc....and my Depression began creeping up again a few months ago. I opened up to my husband finally, and didn’t get the support I needed. And now I’m replaying my deepest fears (he will think I’m just lazy and leave me). Which makes everything worse and unbearable at times. A friend who gets it sent me this article, I found it very helpful. everydayhealth.com/columns/...
I’m new here. No idea if we are able to share links and such. We are not alone!
Hello dear, I understand what you are going through and I must say that its not different from what other people deal with. I don’t blame your mum and siblings because they can only try to imagine how you are feeling and sympathize with you because they haven’t walked in your shoes before.
Its such a great idea that you have decided to see a therapist. It can be very helpful. In the meantime, whenever you realized you are getting overwhelmed with what goes around you just try not to talk. Take deep breath until you have calmed down before you put your concerns across. This site has helpful resources that you can look into. bit.ly/2mFxWoz . Sending prayers and hugs your way.
Yes, I am glad there are so many people who can relate. Neither do I. They were doing the best they could given the circumstances, so while it can be frustrating feeling like they don't care, I know they love me (even if I feel like they don't).
Yes, I really like her so far and am looking forward to my next appointment. I'm eager to figure out the root of my problem so I can handle my issues more effectively. Thank you so much, I'll look into that link. I appreciate your response.
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