Re-introduction and leaving work

[Headspace2014]

Hello again to all and especially to Agora, who was so kind in welcoming me a month ago.

I've been away for a while, mostly a road trip on doctor's orders to further "unplug" from all the noise that keeps me so over-tuned. Also, quite frankly, I've been slacking on coming back to the website. It's irrational, but getting some fellowship and help from y'all seemed like just more thinking about my condition and, God, do I do enough of that! Anyway, I got myself right about that and have committed to a daily post. Let's see how I do.

If we've not communicated, I have been suffering from severe panic and generalized anxiety disorder for 5+ years. It just grew and grew and grew until I was having a panic attack every morning upon waking. I have been treated weekly by an amazing doctor for all of that time. I tried every medication out there, except anti-depressants, as I am not clinically depressed. Only Xanax has ever worked, but there are parts of that that aren't so cool (memory loss, recall). After 2+ years of my doctor telling me to get away from my job (at least for a while), I finally filed for FMLA (full 12 weeks) and short term disability.

One of the things that being off of work taught me is that, while my high stress and pressure job most certainly contributed to the severity of the panic (and the following exhaustion of 10 straight hours of adrenaline and cortisol running through me and the dread of a daily repeat), the job itself was not the cause. I was very surprised to find that the panic attacks continued, the anxiety kept grinding and my head would not shut up. The underlying condition was still there and my time off has been a very rough ride. There have been other events to contribute, but mostly, the same old, horrible tune.

Now, FMLA is about to expire and I will have to confront work. I am terrified, as there is no way I can go back right now. I am as scared of the conversation as I am of going back into that maelstrom. I can still use the remaining 3 months of short term disability, though now they can fire me if I refuse their offered "accommodations". That is totally fair, but also scary. I know I must take care of myself first, but I consider myself a pretty loyal person and I want to do what's right by them, too. It is very hard to know how to proceed.

I could also simply resign. In some ways, it would be much more honorable, as I see no way that I can go back for quite awhile (it really got bad there at the end and I don't want to die) and they have the right to move on and I feel that I owe them that for being pretty good employers for over 10 years.

I don't have many more days to decide. And, of course, my cracked melon has been thinking about it every day of these 3 months. Yeesh.

Anyway, that's what's the gerbil in my head is racing around with today. Any suggestions would be gratefully considered.

[Agora1]

Hi Headspace, thank you for the mention. I could relate to everything you said. Your

doctor was probably hoping that by being off from work, you would get time to regenerate

from your panic attacks. Unfortunately, you found out like many of us have in that we can't

run away from our anxiety. When I was Agoraphobic for 5 years, the fear wasn't only about going outside, I found it was with me when hiding in my home. That's because the fear

is deep within our subconscious mind and we can't run away from that. It needs to be

addressed. The brain of an anxious person is like having a short circuit or faulty alarm

system. It sends out red flags and alert announcement for anything and everything

that doesn't seem quite right. That part of the brain can't rationalize and so whether

you are scared excited or happy excited, the alarm goes off.

Because it's so sensitive to thoughts, sound, lights, smell etc, the adrenaline becomes

a free floating entity always ready to peak and cause distress. We have an oversensitized

nervous system that keeps us in an anticipated stage everyday. It's draining both

mentally and physically. The "key" to anxiety is acceptance. With acceptance that it is not

harmful, the adrenaline will not rise especially if you are using meditation, deep breathing,

self hypnosis, biofeedback, visualization, affirmations and on and on. Using these

modalities will benefit you more than medication because it can work instantly and is

always with you (if you practice) It must be done 3x a day, everyday. With this automatic

response to stress, you will be able to alleviate fear faster than with medication.

I'm glad you are back with us but I do understand that in your state right now, you need

to be careful that you don't get overstimulated by what you read from others on this site.

We don't want you to go into a tailspin as you are trying to get yourself in a good place.

It's about you Headspace. You must take care of yourself first before being able to help

others. We are here for each other to support, understand and care. Take it slow,

see what happens. xx

[Headspace2014 in reply to Agora1]

Boy, did you hit on the big boys. FEAR (false evidence appearing real), acceptance and not being able to help other until you can help yourself. I know in my heart and from experience how huge these things are to many kinds of hurting and healing. Thank you for reminding me of them. I feel that I should know that already, but, man, my head is always full of so much noise.

Sincerely, that post helped tremendously and will for the future. It's printed and pinned on the wall next to me. Thank you.

[Agora1 in reply to Headspace2014]

It took me years to learn that but what a difference it made. xx

[HeraCosmo]

How have you been? Have you asked for any reasonable accommodations?